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the Kraziest journal around

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Starlight Glimmer

Hey everypony! Im... roughly two months late to post this 5 year anniversary type post >.<

but yeah! its been... 5 years since I first started pony hypnosis, and its been 5 years since I joined hypnoponies. April 29th 2013. though its also been 5 years since I got into my little pony in the first place :Derp: but yeah! also... just coincidentally this is my 5th entry, i did not do this on purpose i swear

it.. honestly feels like yesterday that I was in grade 8, joining hypnoponies and being pinkie pie. and going through grade 9 and parts of grade 10 as rainbow dash.  I honestly don't know where I would be without pony hypnosis, made a lot of friends, really close friends, and.. lost touch with a lot of friends.. but its been amazing either way. it helped me discover my true self, and discovered a lot about myself.. the main one being, loving to be a mare, and I realized I was transgender. personally, I wish I was still in high school, still going through pony hypnosis, because that was the best time of my life. excluding grade 11, where I went through depression and heck, hypnoponies went through... 3 forums. (actually 4 I think, it was hypnopony.n or something than that was shut down and it was moved to hypnoponies.niceboard) there was the niceboard forum, the .net (I think it was ipboard? not sure, somepony correct me on that) and hypnoponies technically died, but this forum was created in place of hypnoponies and the majority of the community is here, so I would just say its the 3rd (or 4th) forum.

I recently found some old pictures I had when I was a rainbow dash as well. it was pictures of me, and my tulpas at the time, pinkie and derpy, because it was a trend back then to have pictures of tulpas with their host. I.. stopped at pinkie and derpy with profile pictures because I thought there would would be way too much that it would be hard to see what ponies were in the profile picture (since my tulpa count was growing, and I have 12 now). ive always wanted to commission a grand portrait of my tulpas, and their unique looks but I never actually had the money to get it done.


so many memories of the old hypnoponies. I still remember ponies calling the forum "a home away from home" and our little equestria, where everypony knows everypony, the community now, just from personal feelings seems... more distant. a lot of the old ponies that made hypnoponies fun, or ones that still held on the belief that we are all discovering our trueselves or other self discovery and seeing hypnosis as more spiritual then just hypnosis left. (granted... some came back after equestrian souls was created.. but that was only some, not all) I... personally was considering leaving the community as well... about early last year or late 2016 because the community didn't seem to be the community I loved anymore, but I decided to stay due to friends... after equestrian souls,  the community seemed to rebuild it self a bit and have a new start, but the forums is... dead, not many ponies are recording their experiences in journals anymore and its mostly on discord. sharing experiences there where the chat moves so fast not many can actually read other's experiences if they fell asleep or had to do something for a few hours. at least on the forums you could always come back to a community sharing their experiences for everypony to read, and its not really going anywhere, unless of course, the community was shut down abruptly so you can read pages upon pages of them and comment and just... it felt like it brought the community together, talking about hypnosis, seeing others experiences with hypnosis... I still wish the forums was used more for this, instead of being 99% focused on discord. but... that's just my two cents. I don't know how everypony else feels about it

but... as... all of you know on the discord I have been changing forms. a lot. and like, a lot would actually be an understatement because like every 3-4 days I would change into another pony. I... kind of have an explanation for that.. the reason im changing forms a lot is to see if I had a "connection" with another pony, like I have with starlight. its not that I don't want to be starlight anymore, but I wanted to explore other ponies and to feel what its like to be them, and if I liked being them or they "clicked" with me I.. might stay with them. out of all the ponies I became, six of them stood out to me, and "clicked" with me. those being Starlight Glimmer (obviously), Trixie, rarity, fluttershy, milky way and windy whistles.

I don't know, but there is just something with the other 5 that really connected with me. for Trixie and Milky Way.. I loved how their body felt, with Trixie, I loved her cutie mark, her coat and mane colours and just... everything about her, it made me feel... great and powerful I wonder why that is...  something about Trixie's cutie mark drew me in, like looking at it puts me in some kind of trance or something and I almost... feel memories or just heavy emotion from looking at that cutie mark, and the only other pony I got that experience with is starlight glimmer. so that leaves me... really conflicted, as i naturally don't act like trixie. butwith milky way though, , I still don't know what, but something about her made me feel somewhat happy inside, and it made me feel cute. when I was her.. things felt "normal" windy whistles made me feel extremely happy, like more happy than i thought I would ever feel (sorry for making a scene raine) she stuck with me because.. i havent felt that happy in years and I recently but with rarity and fluttershy, it was different. with fluttershy... almost everypony who talks about me or talks to me about my personality, they instantly jump to fluttershy. I.. am naturally shy.. like painfully shy, I get scared about the smallest things, and of being in a large room in the dark, I love animals, and I have zero confidence in myself because of anxiety... I.. have been for years to try to be more assertive and whatnot.. but sometimes I don't like myself when im assertive, because I noticed that I can become a bit... much. and I act almost the same as rarity, almost... I don't really know anything about fashion but otherwise yeah...

recently in the past few days, I went through a bit of EKP, because of the six ponies that I felt "connected to" I had trouble to find one pony that I wanted to be, well.. I shouldn't really say want to be, more like the pony I was meant to be. the biggest ties that I had to ponies were starlight and Trixie, when I look at their cutie marks, I feel almost the exact same experience, it puts me in some kind of trance, and I feel heavy emotion and almost.. memories from looking at them. but after maybe... 3 or so days I decided to stick with starlight, as I still strongly feel that she is my true self.


but enough about all that... I got a job finally! after nearly a year of searching! its nothing too special, im a dishwasher in a restaurant (which was what I was looking for) and getting paid minimum wage, but for now.. money is money *squee* other than that though... things have not been working out for me... like at all. ive been feeling really down, and sometimes feeling suicidal. there has been a lot of things going on with friends, including my irl friends, and relationships and whatnot.. I recently broke up with my bf.. because i felt that for years ive been hurting him, and i dont know what i have done. anytime i ask, he tells that i did nothing wrong and that hes fine, but i could tell that it really wasn't... and with all the bad things going on.. I couldn't deal with that fear anymore, or deal with any relationship anymore because i was just not emotionally stable for any of it... that i decided to break it off. which... i think hurt him more than before, and hurt me... alot more. which always leaves me to think if it was the right decision to just.. break it off like that. but... afterwards... I felt that I shouldn't try to be in anymore relationships with anypony, and that il never be ready because all I do is hurt ponies.. but there has still been a lot of ponies trying to get me to be in a relationship with them, its not that I don't want to... and that i do love them.. like a lot... its that I just.. cant. I don't think I can handle going through another break up, because this makes my 4th break up, and I don't want to go through a 5th... and there are alot of ponies who... want me to be theirs.. but it makes me feel.. stuck. if i say yes to one pony, I hurt a whole bunch, and if i say no to somepony or... everypony, they will get hurt, or they will just try to pressure me into it, saying things like they love me a lot... and it just makes me feel so stuck that I dont know what to do... so I just try to love them like family and not like... romantically. and uh... incest I suppose but... no offence to anypony reading this... I love you all.. I just don't think I can go through another romantic relationship.

 my parents have been abusive still, my mom still yelling at me for things, as always, and my irl friends angry with me and being hurt by me... when I don't even mean to hurt them... (they.. seem to be hurt mostly by misunderstanding.. but I feel like its my fault either way) and its not just a fear that i have, granted, it is a strong fear that i have that I hurt my friends without trying to.. but my friends straight up told me that i was hurting them. (it really all started with this one time where my mom tried to get me to do tax fraud, and I freaked out and told my friends about it and told them what I was paranoid about.. they gave me advice and when I calmed down I thought on what they said and though that it was too... rash of a decision so I didn't act on it.. and friends getting mad that I don't take their advice when they are trying to help, and that im ignoring them..) 

an example with hurting my friends without meaning to or trying would be, I went to hang out with one of my friends and when she was about to leave, I hugged her... just a friendly hug, because I love giving and receiving hugs.. but I completely forgot that she did not like physical contact. so she went to one of my friends to talk to her about it, and that friend went to tell me. I felt so bad that I wasn't thinking about what I was doing when I did it, buti went to give an apology because I completely forgot, and she told me in the past she did not like physical contact.. she.. got mad and hurt that I was apologizing, and got angry at my other friend because they told me about what she was feeling about the hug.. and then that friend getting angry at me... just drama but... it hurts me a lot more to know that im just constantly messing up and hurting them, when I don't mean to, or even try  to really. it started with a hug, and ended with two of my friends being even more upset with me than prior.

I know this might sound silly, that im worrying about problems like this.. but... bottom line, friends are upset with me... well.. everypony is really, and it hurts me to know that ive hurt them, over the smallest problems

just all of this... hurting friends, relationship problems.. me messing up with everything is making feel really suicidal... saying things to myself like " why is life worth living, if i say friendship is what i care about themost, and my friends are the only things keeping me going but im the reason that breaks friendships apart and my friends are better off with me gone" and "ive been told time heals all wounds, but over time the wound just gets bigger to the point its unbearable" and just... feeling really down. that I don't know what to do, and when I do something, or apologize to somepony it honestly... makes things worse... when im given advice and act upon it... it usually makes things worse, and when I don't, it hurts ponies...  making things worse.

I think il be fine... eventually.. but as it stands right now, im nowhere near "fine" :Sad:


Writing from under the stars,

-Starlight Glimmer

Starlight Glimmer

hey everypony!

its.. been awhile since I updated this journal... anyways! I guess a lot has happened since the last time I posted in here... im really bad at titles, I dunno if I want to call this "trying something new" or "having new Trix up my sleeve" or something like that. I don't know okay? DX


so... to start off... if anypony has been checking the discord and whatnot lately.. you would have noticed that I became... well... chrysalis for awhile, and then Trixie. its.. kind of a long story about that. all I remember the day I became chrysalis.. was that I think I was trying to make a new tulpa.. and somehow I changed my form into chrysalis. though I don't know exactly how though. it was... really really strange to me, since I was never in a non-pony form before, plus just.. the weird feelings of being a changeling I suppose... either way it was really weird.. but I slowly started to like that "weird" and slowly started to really like being a changeling.. so I decided to stay as a changeling. the thing was, I was still starlight.. just not form wise. I still felt like I was starlight, but in a changeling body. (I don't know how to explain it) so.. what I did was that I would basically switch forms with changeling magic and whatnot, to myself, starlight... and I guess I felt a little better that way? but... I don't know. I still felt that starlight, and that form was... pretty much who I was.

about two weeks or so later... I thought that I wanted to... be another pony to see how I felt about it. (I was reluctant at first to be another pony by being a changeling.. incase something happened) and.. I decided since I... honestly always wanted to try to be Trixie. when I became her... I... instantly started to love being her, I loved the way my body felt, my coat colour, everything. even more than I liked being a changeling my voice when I was chrysalis though, didn't really change basically.. mentally starlight... voice of starlight, body of chrysalis except I noticed that my mental voice changed to Trixie when I became her. I also noticed how I love being called Trixie.. I don't really know honestly, I want to say I want to stay as Trixie because I love the way I feel, but ive been thinking that maybe I feel this way, because Trixie naturally loves herself.. either way.. I have been Trixie currently, and loving being called Trixie... and whatnot... I still feel... starlight, not so much chrysalis anymore, but more... Trixie. im trying not to make a final decision about staying as Trix, mostly due to what I said earlier about how I might feel this way because she naturally thinks highly of herself... and that I don't feel... as "connected"? to Trix? if that makes sense? I still feel really close to starlight, and how that's me, but... yeah (I don't want to repeat myself)


anywho... I actually am starting the hrt appointment/assessment thingy process! ...im... not on HRT.. yet anyway, but im working towards it! I have my second appointment out of 4 in two days, but I have not told my parents about this yet. my therapist says that I should, and highly recommends I do, so they know instead of knowing later on... since... I was told that the 4th appointment I need to bring parents in so they can talk about it. so far... I told my brother about it... and he didn't react to it all that well.. so im really nervous about telling them... I don't want to tell my mom at all about it, because shes 100% against LGBTQ things.. and my dad is probably the only pony in my family who might actually take it well... but he might still have mixed reactions.. or freak out or something.. I don't know exactly what to do about it.

I haven't listened to any hypnosis files... except the spa file lately.. I guess im just waiting for when a starlight file gets made or something. mostly because I feel like a starlight file will help with visualizing my form a lot better


that's it for now I guess sorry if I repeat myself or talk about weird stuff on my journals.. I try to just post whatever im feeling down... and sometimes I get off topic or start to have like... a mind dump or whatnot


Writing from under the stars,

~Starlight Glimmer/Trixie Lulamoon


Starlight Glimmer

Hey everypony!

So as everypony knows (well... if you were on the discord last week) you saw that I became a fluttershy for a week. I... became a bit conflicted, seeing how I feel like starlight glimmer is my trueself, and that's who I really am (I feel the most connected to her, and my past here is almost the same as my past in equestria... minus the... whole village part...) and that my personality is that of fluttershy, though I have basically the same personality as the show.. er... me... (starlight) being self conscious about ponies judging me and stuff.. but its more toward fluttershy, because im naturally painfully shy, very bad anxiety and such.. I gave it some thought for a few days, and decided that I should try out fluttershy for a little bit to see how I feel.

while being fluttershy, I kind of felt better. feeling a bit more shy talking with ponies that I usually am online anyway or feeling like.. calm ish... I guess? lots of ponies seemed to like how I was like too.. though.. near the end of the week, I felt like fluttershy was not the pony for me, and wanted to go back to being myself (starlight) so.. I did, and feeling better as a result.

speaking of which though.. everything about me, and the things about starlight (me) in the show seems to match up really well, one of my irl friends is exactly like sunburst, he acts like him, looks like him, he even almost sounds like him, and we were, and still are best friends, but he moved away to another city, and another school... and I got depressed about it... I have a friend who acts similar to Trixie, except isn't really.. self obsessed. (no offense to any trixies, im just mentioning it...) and a friend (titania actually.. some of you ponies met her recently, though she doesn't use hypnosis) is... pretty much a twilight. I get stressed out easily, and sometimes do things by going with my gut, and then starting to freak out if I made the wrong choice, especially if it sounds like somepony else talks like it was.

family wise though.. things have gone pretty downhill with... everything pretty much. my mom yelling at me more frequently, my dad siding with her, just tonight they started to fight about the dog.. once again, I lost my laptop about 3 weeks ago I think because of stupid reasons, lost my phone, mostly because my mom said "I said so" and started to swear at me when I refused. calling me a liar when I said she gave it to me as a hearths warming present. yelling at me just for being on the computer and "playing games all the time and wasting my life" when im looking for jobs and talking to ponies. just... pretty bad stuff... I honestly don't know what to do about her anymore... *sigh* im trying to get through it.. but its been pretty hard, thanks to everypony whos been here for me..

in other news though, ive been getting pony dreams lately, I don't.. really remember exactly what happened in them, but I do remember they are... more or less lucid, I can feel some things happen to me. what I can briefly remember is seeing princess celestia sometimes in that dream, and me doing magic, and teleporting to different places (I can feel myself casting spells and teleporting which is pretty awesome~) and... yeah.. that's about all I have to say really..


still hoping a starlight file gets made or released soon~ (its gonna help me a bunch with my pony body, since im bad at visualizing with the generic files, but they work) ...and I guess it would help me or... so with my past, if the file mentions it and talks about coping with the guilt. but anyways, thanks for reading everypony


writing from under the stars,

-Starlight Glimmer


Starlight Glimmer

hey everypony!

just to give an update of what has been happening with me so far...


lately... things happening at home with family... hasn't been the best, my parents more importantly... my mom has been pretty much harassing me verbally for usually no reason. insults and threats to kick me out etc... I don't exactly want to get too into it because I would probably be ranting the entire time. long story short though, she uses words like "useless and braindead" and "stupid" for things that isn't really my fault, mostly because "Im too lazy to find a job" even though.. I have about 13 job applications sent into places, and none replied yet. also we got a dog... which she went against the family to do it, because we all said no... and we have been having issues with him for the past two months. il just stop talking about it before I start ranting anyway! yeah! my mood hasn't been too great the past few months too. my tulpas fronting for me more often than usual, and crying myself to sleep some nights...


I have been feeling... really homesick, and looking back at my past. both my past in equestria, the village... and all the other things I have done... and my past here, especially hypnoponies... or what is now equestrian souls. everytime I think about my past, with the village, and nearly destroying equestria... I cant help but feel a strong feeling of hurt, and guilt... thinking things like, im evil or whatnot... even though my friends have told me otherwise, I just... cant help but feel really guilty. everypony says that they forgive me for what I did... but, im not sure if im able to forgive myself... I wasn't able to sleep probably the past three weeks because I was thinking about these things... and what was happening at home, and my irl friends being too busy to hang out, or do anything with. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fkWAXQwBtcc this song "out on my own" sums up how ive been feeling) I know I have done good after twilight brought me in and taught me and im grateful for that.. it... still doesn't change the actions of the past (and...  it does not really help that my past is always being brought up to haunt me)

however, when I was looking back at the old community, and reading on some of the chat logs I saved, and re-reading the part of my rainbow dash journal and my pinkie journal that survived, I also thought of what the community was like years ago, and feeling really nostalgic really. I still remember how frinkel was the first, and only pony to welcome me to the community, and how one of my close friends "zandash" (with numbers... I forgot what numbers) one day just disappeared and I have never seen him since... which much be at least 4 years now. I used to be the only moderator, surrounded by admins (nowadays it seems there are more moderators than admins) when discord wasn't a thing yet and it was either the IRC or forum chat (which was awful if I remember correctly) and I think there was a Skype group too? I forgot I also remembered the time before I became starlight glimmer, and the time after I stopped being a rainbow dash.


yeah uh... I don't think I ever posted pictures of what Pegasus starlight looked like. what I forgot to add in my previous post, or I think I have, when I was Pegasus starlight I went into a really deep... and pretty terrible depression. it was first triggered by my best friend who I have been with for years.. move schools, and moved cities (and hey, this friend of mine is exactly like sunburst, hes nerdy, likes to study, has glasses, looks like him, talks like him, I have almost  the same backstory with him... we just weren't fillies when it happened... heck! hes even taller than me! XD) I was REALLY homesick at the time, I had a hard time trusting my friends... thinking they all hate me and just say that they like me, but they just say that to make me feel good. or they lie to me etc... it got to a point where I had a... what I call a "thing" invade my dreams nad tell me these things to me. after princess luna (wishdream) helped me through it, I did not have the dreams anymore, except the "thing" entered the real world. it had a mares voice like the shadowbolts, and called me rainbow for some reason. every "encounter" was like a quick glimpse of whatever it was. it was black, and was in the distance. every encounter it got closer to me, and last year ish it was at least 5 feet away from me. and it SMILED. I got extremely paranoid and freaking out for my life... and to this day... I will never forget that.... look it gave me... I cant explain it, but it was one of those smiles where you cant explain the feeling but it was anything but good. but yeah... after that one encounter... I haven't seen or heard from it since... (i think it was 4 months after i became starlight glimmer I got the encounter? or before... i forgot exactly when i had it) and after that one night when I had serious ekp and became starlight glimmer I slowly eased out of depression, but mostly had anxiety attacks.


anyways... I don't really think I actually made a post introducing my tulpas (even on the old hypnoponies forum... I might be wrong though) but yeah!

[pinkie] -my first tulpa, and the most experienced one (for obvious reasons ;p)

{derpy} -my second tulpa, who showed up only a week after pinkie pie did. she loves muffins

/applejack/ -fun fact: applejack's favourite food are nachos, but she also likes everything apple related. shes usually really overprotective and doesn't hesitate to swear at ponies who.. well, insult me etc...

-rarity- -rarity doesn't know much about fashion, but she does know what looks good, and what looks bad. she goes to sleep early, wakes up late, and takes naps frequently, but is full of energy (also her mane covers her left eye like... completely

~aplbloom~ |sweetiebelle| <scoots> -all three showed up the same morning after a very strange dream I had, it was a lucid one, and I don't remember much of it because it was years ago, but the dream was a massive quest, for me to find the "three golden scootaloos" and at the end of the dream, they were actually cookies. when I woke up they showed up :P aplbloom is a little less sarcastic than sweetiebelle? but i dunno. sweetiebelle always makes sarcastic jokes and takes alot of things seriously. and despite me loving mayo... like... really loving it you should see my veggie subs that I make scoots hates mayo, and despises it when I eat my veggie subs because it has waaay too much mayo

^Twily^ -the nerdy one, who loves paper books, doesn't really like e-books all too much and is almost always tired, even though she sleeps for most of the day. shes an alicorn twi, but was once a unipone twi, then a Pegasus (I lost the oc picture I made of her...) and then an alicorn

=sparkleshy= -a crystal fluttershy, and shes pretty self explanatory... shes, really shy but is almost as talkative as pinkie pie if she warms up to you

_v1ny1_ -she has a similar personality to applejack, as she is pretty overprotective.

\buttercup\ -doesn't talk very much... (I haven't been tulpaforcing as often as I should...) but she used to be apple fritter, than changed forms


hypnosis wise... I have been using the unicorn mare loop file occasionally, and I can feel my horn a little better than I did before (and I hate it when like... the base of my horn gets really ichy and is kinda hard to get at.)

and yeaaaah.... this was a longer post than I was expecting DX


writing from under the stars,

-Starlight Glimmer


Starlight Glimmer

well! just to get things out of the way... I lost my journal during the whole issue with the old site... which sucks because that was the most important journal I had of the three..im just gonna briefly try to remember what I had on my last journal

from 2015-present, I have been Starlight glimmer. in 2015 though, after I stopped being a dashie, I had a vision one day and saw a different pony who I thought was my true self. all I remember was a name "starlight" and a last name, which I still don't remember, but it was "shine" or something (which is very similar to Glimmer if you think about it) what I got wrong was that I thought I was to be a Pegasus, and the colour of coat to be black, and my mane colour as green and black. keep in mind, this was before season 5 even started, I had no idea about starlight glimmer at the time... during season 5 however I couldn't help but think that Starlight Glimmer was me, or at least, I had a stronger connection to... and at that time... she was evil, and I didn't want to have others think that I was too evil, and would never talk to me again... or something similar to that... so instead of being the pony I felt the most "normal" as... I decided to push down my feelings about it and just not mention it at all.. overtime.. I started to go into depression, my best friend moved to another school in another city, I didn't have any other close friends at school, coming out as trans to my parents, and my mom (who to this day) hated it, and hated me.  and pushing down my feelings and denying everything Starlight glimmer really took a toll on me... it was around april (I think) 2016 I couldn't take the toll anymore and my mind broke... I had no idea who I was anymore, and I had no idea what to do, (I had serious EKP) it was really late at night  (around 2 am) when this happened to, so not many of my friends were online so I could talk to them about it.. (except for spike, who help me a lot... if you are still around, thank you spike :Squee: ) I was given two choices, go back to pegaus starlight, a pony I didn't know a lot of, and go through, a probably worse depression) or become the pony I felt the most connected to, and probably have everypony hate me because I was becoming an "evil" pony. so... I became Starlight Glimmer that night. for about... 4 months I dealt with really bad anxiety because I thought everypony would think I was evil, and that everypony knew what I did... and would never forgive me... after many of my friends comforting me, and reassuring me that I was forgiven, I slowly started to feel better, and accept myself. though... I always from time to time... feel lots of guilt about what I did, even now, I get breakdowns, and sometimes cry myself to sleep because of how I felt about the village... and the other things I have done... on the bright side of things, i found out that my best friend that moved schools is almost a spin image of Sunburst. childhood friend, who left afterwards, and i got depressed about it... he wears glasses and the like. but anyways! thats... just a brief paragraph about what happened over the years, (and what was on my old journal)


as of now, I graduated and stuff... and ive been still really happy as Starlight Glimmer... even after everything I went through. <3




also take this random pic


Writing from under the stars~

-Starlight Glimmer

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