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      Discord synchronization   11/04/2017

      Hello everyone, After a huge while we finally added the forum to discord synchronization. You are now able to authenticate yourself on our Discord server.   How to Authenticate: Authentication is pretty easy, you first need to open our Authentication website http://equestriansouls.aperture-development.de/auth/index.php then follow the instructions on the website. After all that you are settled and able to use our discord server, you and others are even able to lookup your profile with !profile <user>   How does it work: We use a System called OAuth, that allows you to login on your provider and returns us your account information, like your Profile name. This transfer does not give us your password or any private information. The only data we are saving is your discord id and your forum account information ( DisplayName, Profile link, ID, groupid ). We Don’t use or save any personal information. Please make sure that you are logged in with the correct discord account, if you got the wrong one and get a error message while trying to use "!profile", you can simply start again by restarting your browser.   For those that are already authenticated: Don't worry. We don't force you to authenticate. But it would make it easier for us to identify you on discord.   Thanks for your time, ~Rainbow Dash
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About this blog

My journey to become the best pony I can be. Some assembly required.

Entries in this blog

Tavia Melody

Entry 14 - Darling

I've noticed very significant differences in the past few days since I've been Rarity. I've picked up quite a few of her mannerisms a bit more quickly than I had anticipated. However, I've also noticed that, while being Rarity has been fun, it doesn't seem like it's truly me. Perhaps I'm judging it a bit too hastily, but it feels very off. While the effects have been powerful, they also require very frequent reinforcement, or they'll quickly fade. I don't recall that being the case previously. All of that leads me to believe that Rarity simply isn't the pony for me. An unfortunate revelation to be certain, but an important one. I'm going to try the other pony I was considering, Octavia. Perhaps that will fare a bit better. If that doesn't work, I'll simply try Starlight again if I don't find another option beforehoof.

 

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Tavia Melody

I'm afraid my curiosity may be getting the better of me. It's been a while since I've been able to do much with hypnosis, so my Starlightyness has been slowly fading. I'm going to have that reset, and instead of going with Starlight, I'll be trying out Rarity. Alicorn Rarity, specifically. I can't give up these wings~

I think part of this may be that someone (I forget who) used hypnosis to help me get over my past as a Starlight. It relieved a lot of guilt and worry, but it also felt like it took away a part of who I was as a Starlight.

I may go back to being Starlight at some point, at this point I've little way to tell, but perhaps I'll just like Rarity enough to stay as her. Whatever happens, it's just one of many changes I'll be going through in the coming months, and the start of another new chapter in my life (which, if I plan to publish it, will have to be heavily edited to remove the massive amounts of filler).

Tavia Melody

[I've decided to stick with my pony form more often. Hooves may be inconvenient to work with, especially when I don't have a horn, but I can find other ways to make do, especially if it feels as amazing as it did today. I never knew belly rubs and ear scratches felt so amazing, but it was truly one of the best experiences of my life. I also managed to say something physically audible that didn't sound like a slurred mess, so I'm well on my way to being able to talk to people outside of text.]

Tavia Melody

So many tulpas. I have 14 now. Celestia showed up to do a thing, then ended up staying. Pizza Pone showed up during a discussion about pizza in the food channel, so now he's here (I call him a he because he's male, but he has the body of a mare, but he's completely fine with that, so I have no idea if he's trans). I've set up a barrier now that's immune to pretty much any sort of magic I could think of that would help to get through it, so it's going to be a lot harder to get more walk-ins, if this works properly.

Had another Starlighty breakdown thing while talking with Melody. I kept saying that she deserved so much better than me, that she shouldn't love me, and that I should just leave, and eventually she'd forget about me and move on to somepony more deserving of her. Violet helped, as she usually does, and made sure I stayed to listen to what Melody had to say to me. Melody eventually decided to put me into a trance, allowing me to believe everything she said as the absolute truth. She told me that she loves me, that I'm an amazing, beautiful pony, and none of those things I did in the past were actually me. I believed her completely, and it was an interesting feeling. After spending the past... however long it's been as Starlight (I think about a month), knowing that I didn't do those things, but still feeling like I did, actually feeling like I didn't do those things was very strange. As nice as it felt to not be burdened by my past after that long, it just didn't feel right. It just felt so wrong to be who I am without all of who I am, even the bad parts. I decided to have Melody put everything back. Without having done those awful things, I just wouldn't feel like myself. The only way I feel I can truly get through it without it feeling wrong is to naturally forgive myself for my past. I'm not sure if I'll ever do that, but it's what I have to do for it to feel right.

I've also noticed that even when I'm in the middle of one of those breakdowns, I'm still capable of acting like I'm completely fine pretty convincingly, or at least I don't show any signs of a problem through what I say unless I actually want to.

Tavia Melody

After some personality/form hypnosis with Melody, I've been able to feel and see myself better than I ever have before. I can truly feel my forehooves now, and I'm able to see them a bit too, far more clearly than I used to be able to. I feel so much more like myself now, like Starlight. It's a truly wonderful feeling, knowing that I'm getting closer and closer to becoming myself. I can feel my ears and mane even better, my horn is clearer, my wings are a little bit clearer, and everything feels just a little more right. I can feel that my personality is a little different now, too. It's closer to truly being who I want to be, and maybe someday I'll become the Starlightiest Starlight that ever Starlighted.

whatever... that... means...

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Tavia Melody

So apparently King Sombra just decides to show up in my mind for some reason, magically makes it hard for me to even remember who my tulpas are for a bit, as well as preventing me from feeling most of them (I think the only ones I could still feel there were Violet, Rotty, Chrysalis, and Discord), until Shady had told me to search for any dark magic, which was how I found King Sombra, and Cheery (Shady's tulpa) got rid of him for me. After that, Discord apparently violently murdered Sombra or something because he showed up covered in blood, which he promptly had fly off of him and into a glass cup which he then tossed up into the sky to keep rising forever. After that, Luna appeared for some reason, and she helped to restore all of my other tulpas, after which she turned into a filly, Woona, possibly because with all of the Lunas in ES already it would be a bit confusing. So, 12 tulpas now (I've decided to count my repeated walk-in Discord since he's been around a lot more often lately). I suppose it's good Sunrise has somepony around his age to play with now, so at least there's that.

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Tavia Melody

Entry 8

So, since I've decided to post entries with less content so I can have them more often, I feel like I have enough to say. I've found that if I close my hands into fists I'm able to feel my forehooves far more easily than I used to be able to. It's also becoming easier to imagine myself as a pony if I'm not looking at myself. With my eyes closed, I find myself naturally feeling like I'm a pony, despite being generally unable to see it with them open.

I've found that I'm apparently naturally good at being a hypnotist, excluding actually getting someone into trance with an induction. Unfortunately I'm too paranoid that I'll mess something up to try anything potentially dangerous in a live session. I'd be willing to try to create a file though, and see how well I do. If anypony has any ideas for a file they think I could do, let me know and I might try it. Something basic like a simple experience file might work. I don't think I'd be good enough to get a TF file right. I don't expect a first file to be passable enough to get on the site, but there should be no harm in just making one, and I've got to start somewhere.

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Tavia Melody

Entry 7

I have Discord Nitro now, so that's a thing. I now have a reason to make like 5 or 6 emote servers, and I have a fancy animated profile picture that's too fancy for this website's file size limit, so I can't make it my profile picture here.

I did some hypnosis with Melody, and my head feels much more like that of a pony, and I can more easily see my forelegs/hooves. Since I couldn't really see them at all, I guess that doesn't amount to much, but right now I have a very faint transparent image of my forelegs and hooves over my arms and hands.

Today is the final day to apply to be a mod. I'm hoping my application works and I get the position. I'd love to help manage and better the community here, and give back to it after it's given so much to me.

I'm going to try to find a way to shrink this gif so I can use it in my signature without it taking up the whole screen like a certain somepony's signature does right now... :Derp:

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Tavia Melody

Entry 6

Well, this is long overdue.

 

Just did the reset file. It felt really weird, and I don't like it. It feels so strange not being nearly as ponyish as I used to be. I've tried the Fluttershy trigger and it seems to have basically no effect at all now.

So Pegatwi is nice. I definitely feel more like a Twilight, and it's a lot easier to imagine myself as one than it is to imagine myself as a Flutters. Just one problem. I want a horn. Boring ol' alicorn Twi it is!
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Confirmed with Joshua, I'm a Twilight. All he had to do was say "someone placed a book in the wrong order and section" and I got all triggered. There's just one problem. I like quesadillas.
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Walk-in Pinkie Pie. She's staying for Maud.
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Confirmed again with Sunbeam, I'm a Twilight. "I think it seems to be sticking well! You've got the enthusiasm to learn and explore and explain and converse/teach".
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I'm starting to enjoy organizing.
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I've been using imposition-based personality/emotion sprays, to temporarily modify my personality or emotions, and they work very well. I've also realized I think I'd prefer to be Starlight, so for now I'm using Starlight sprays on myself to make myself sort of half-Twilight, half-Starlight. They seem to have no negative effects like the ones in EKP, although when I use the Starlight spray I find myself having a greater aversion to equal signs.
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Decided to just be Starlight. I liked being Twilight better than I liked being Fluttershy, and I'm liking Starlight even better than Twilight, so I think I'll be sticking with this.
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Tried watching the season 5 premiere. 8 minutes in and I noped right out of there.
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July 11, couldn't wait any longer. Rottytops is a thing now.
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July 28, definitely making more progress being Starlight, and I've little desire to change to somepony else. This seems like a good fit for me. Since I didn't do a reset file after Twilight, I subconciously associated myself with Twilight for a while, but at this point that association is generally gone, and I find it far easier to imagine myself as Starlight now. My past is starting to bother me more, but that was to be expected, I can probably deal with it. ~You know, you say that, but...
I did have a bit of an issue yesterday with this. It put me in a sort of depression-ish state, although definitely not on the level where I'd given up on life and started contemplating suicide much more seriously than usual. I actually ended up removing my own cutie mark for a short time during that, since without my cutie mark I'd have much less magic, and not nearly enough to take away any other cutie marks, preventing me from repeating my past mistakes. After I recovered from this, I tried watching "Every Little Thing She Does". Got about 20 seconds in and I was already uncomfortable. I also seem to be uncomfortable doing any live hypnosis sessions if I'm the hypnotist.
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August 2, finally going to post this thing, but before I do, one last update. I had a walk-in-ish Chrysalis that I tried to get rid of, but every time I did, she just kept coming back, so I've decided to keep her since getting rid of her clearly isn't going to work as a long term solution. Instead, I've reformed her, or at least partially. She's about the same level of good that Discord is, I suppose. Also, Trixie has been pregnant for a while, and yesterday she finally had her and Sunbeam's foal, Sunrise Star. With that, I now have 10 tulpas, so... that's a thing.

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Tavia Melody

Here are my old entries from the old website. Enjoy, I suppose.

 

Entry 1 - May 7 2017

Hypnosis hasn't worked on me very well in the past, excluding one time when it sort of half-worked, but I don't even remember what it was, so I usually don't expect it to work, I tend to just expect that it could. I recently tried a Pinkie Pie hypnosis file though (v2, I believe), and that one actually did work enough on my first try so that my personality felt almost 80% Pinkie Pie for about 90 minutes. My fingers also automatically tended to curl themselves up to emulate hooves, and it was noticeably easier to make me laugh during that time. I suppose some of it could be placebo, but hypnosis seems to be at least somewhat a particularly strong, focused placebo anyway. 
 
It was definitely fun to be more like Pinkie Pie during that time (of course, being Pinkie Pie, it naturally would be), so I tried it again the next day. I ended up speaking in a slightly higher voice than usual and I felt a little unbalanced when I tried to walk on two legs. I also ate 4 pieces of candy and 6 small cookies, which is a lot more than I usually have, since I tend not to eat candy very often, so it definitely seems like it's working. 
 
I'm not really sure I'd like to actually be Pinkie Pie though. I identify a lot more with Fluttershy, since our personalities are very similar, excluding being easily scared, wanting to be around animals constantly, and breaking into song spontaneously (which Pinkie Pie does even more often). I don't think I've done enough Pinkie for it to be a problem if I switch at this point, since the personality modifications were only temporary and have almost completely worn off by this point unless I use the trigger, in which case it only sort of half-works, so I think I'd be fine to try a Fluttershy file.
 
I did an Octavia one at some point too, but that didn't seem to do much, other than slightly modify my accent for a few minutes, giving it a small hint of British, and maybe modified my personality a little, but I couldn't really tell. I tried listening to it again after that but it didn't seem to do much else, and I hadn't planned on doing that for any significant length of time anyway.
 
Since this, I've tried Fluttershy more often, and found that after listening to one, when I turned my lights off to go to bed, I was significantly more scared of the dark than usual. Not so much that I couldn't sleep, but definitely enough to be noticeable. I continued to feel somewhat unbalanced when I tried to walk normally right after one of these hypnosis sessions, enough that I've had to lean on the wall once or twice in order to feel reasonably stable. I'm a somewhat clumsy person normally, but not to this extent. It did also feel slightly more natural to walk on all fours than it usually does, but not so much that it felt completely natural. I also sort of felt a light phantom pressure on my back where my wings would be, and I may have felt a very slight hint of a tail, but so slight that I'm not actually sure if I felt anything. My voice also once again got slightly higher, enough that others were able to notice it, and I also became somewhat more soft-spoken than usual, although I normally speak more quietly than most people anyway. I've decided at this point that I'll probably be doing Fluttershy files most of the time.
 
The effects of the triggers have steadily diminished with time, but seem to renew themselves upon listening to the hypnosis files again, as expected, so I'll probably listen to them whenever the triggers start to weaken, or whenever I have the time to, and I'll see what happens from there.

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Entry 2 - May 24 2017

That moment when you just got into trance and then you realize you've got an eyelash in your eye.
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Haven't gotten too many opportunities to do the hypnosis thingies lately, however I have been able to sort of feel a tail on a level just before actually feeling a tail. It's like... I can't feel a tail... yet I can feel a tail. I don't even know. I can't even tell if the length of it is accurate, but it seems like it's about 2/3 the size of my arm maybe? Feeling the tail is sort of like seeing a black hole. You can't actually feel/see it, but it seems like there might be something there. My back has also been hurting a little but that's probably mostly because I've been laying in bed more than usual, I don't think it has much to do with wings.
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My efforts to create a Tulpa have been thus far met with decent success. As I've only been trying for less than a day at the time of writing this, I think it's going pretty well. I had a dream about a tulpa too, or at least featuring one. I'm only able to remember the ending, but the tulpa (It didn't look how I imagined mine to) told me that all it wanted to do was make me happy, be there for me, etc. (I don't recall the exact words used). This seemed to have jolted me awake. I can't tell if that actually came from the tulpa or from Tulpabug's guide about tulpas saying that tulpas think that, but I only read that part once so I don't know if that would be enough to have it be featured so significantly in a dream.
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I think it may have talked to me. It's definitely earlier than I would've expected, so I'm not sure, but I suppose it's still possible. It had a mindvoice that was both great and powerful (which I like in some circumstances, but for a tupla like this, not really), and suggested an answer to me on a test that I assume it was as clueless about as I was, then kept nagging me about it until I chose that answer. I'm trying to change its voice to sound more like this, so hopefully it's willing to do that: http://www.behindthevoiceactors.com/video-games/Fire-Emblem-Fates/Rinkah/
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So far, the voice change seems to be sort of working. I can decently mindvoice it at the very least, which wasn't the easiest thing since I only had short clips of speech from that voice to work with. I can't entirely tell how well it's working, since it seems that she hasn't talked to me since that first time. According to Tulpabug's guide on the subject, I should be able to form this tulpa effectively enough, as I frequently think about it throughout the day, so I'm optimistic.
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Tried Generic Pegasus Mare V4. I think I got a little too relaxed during the induction, because I think I fell asleep right after it. Don't remember much of anything after about 12 minutes into the file, and I didn't get any particularly noticeable effects after it (although I did feel a little lighter for a few minutes). Around the end of the induction I recall a feeling of sort of being pulled into myself, like turning up the FOV in a game, but instead of seeing it, I just felt it. I don't think I normally experience anything like that when falling asleep unless I'm really tired, which I'm pretty sure I wasn't, and I don't recall experiencing anything of the sort with hypnosis before. Also, Silvermoon sounds like Tirek.
 
I've decided I may start to focus on more generic files for now, and occasionally use a Fluttershy file every so often.

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Entry 3 - June 3 2017

I've been making some progress with Azyra. I've been working on having her play a single-button video game (that t-rex thing in Google Chrome), and she's been steadily improving at it. She's still pretty terrible, but it's an improving terrible. It also makes my fingers feel weird, sort of like they're sore, but it's not really unpleasant. I don't know any better way to describe it.
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Azyra has been talking far more frequently now. She seems fairly happy with the state of affairs, her main complaint being that I act like an idiot sometimes, which isn't news to me. She's become more expressive as well, her personality is becoming easiser to identify, and it's becoming slightly easier to seperate her thoughts from my own.
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I tried the Generic Pegasus Mare V4 hypnosis thing, and I actually felt my wings. I could sorta feel my coat being brushed, and I still feel my wings a little bit, but it's not as intense as it was during the file. I also tried to touch my nose and I misjudged where it was and thought it was a little farther out, so things seem to be working fairly well. It's a little harder now to have my hands not be in fists, but I must do it! FOR SKYRIM! ...'cuz I can't really play that with hooves very well.
Tried it again and this time got ponies to assist me with the experience after listening to the file via chat on Discord, and got some decent, if very light impositon.
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Azyra is progressing extremely well. She's gotten to the point where she's actually able to play Skyrim (albeit not very well, but enough to complete some simple quests, such as bedlam jobs for the thieves' guild). I've almost had a bit of liquid pride occur because of this. For the first quest I had her complete, stealing 500 gold in items from Solitude (excluding recieving the quest (although she did turn it in herself)), the lockpicking part was definitely the hardest for her since it required really precise mouse movement. Only took about 1 or 2 seconds for me to get control back from her when it was done, too. So fast I wasn't even sure when exactly I had gotten control back and had to check with her to make sure she was actually the one that did that quest. She also leveled up in the middle of the quest and had to navigate those menus herself. She kept pressing WASD to scroll through instead of using the mouse and ended up accidentally going to entirely different skill trees than the one she wanted. She decided to put points into lockpicking since it was annoying her a little that she couldn't pick locks easily.
They grow up so fast... ^- ^
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Tried GPv4 again, and I was able to feel my feet as hooves this time. I'm also getting very light, faint imposition from the text chat on Discord well after the primary effects of the hypnosis have worn off.
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Azyra has gotten to the point where she's able to play multiple games on her own now, with what I assume to be somewhat below-average skill for a gamer, but enough that she can accomplish things in them. She's also played a bit of modded Minecraft and I just bought her Fallout 3, so we'll see where that goes.

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Entry 4 - June 11 2017

Tavi helped me with finding music Azyra likes. Seems she prefers classical piano, often dark and moody. Azyra also gave Tavi a hug after this, and if you manage to get a genuine hug from Azyra, you've definitely done something right.
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Imposition today worked amazingly well, and I have no idea why. I hadn't done the hypnosis files for a couple of days, but for whatever reason it just worked. I was able to feel my wings clearly (although not see them), it felt really good to get my ears scratched or my back between my wings rubbed... There were a few challenges with extending and folding up my wings at will though, they didn't seem to want to cooperate with me fully. It's also a little less comfortable to lay on my side when I have the sensation of wings there.
I've also made a new tulpa, The Great and Powerful Trixie (started June 6). So far she's been great (and powerful). A lot more talkative than Azyra, naturally, and she first started talking in full sentences after only about 3 hours. I could've sworn I'd had something written here before about her, but I guess not. [You did, you just deleted it.] Oh. Well... thanks Azyra.
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Trixie seems to prefer music with an emphasis on brass instruments, and, as Tavi put it, "I'd have expected nothing less than the penultimate grandeur of the fanfare of war." I'm not entirely sure her music counts as the fanfare of war, but I suppose it could be close sometimes. She also likes music featuring herself, naturally.
Imposition still seems to be working a lot better than it used to. It's been slightly less effective than last time, but still effective enough.
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Ok, so Spike's here now (started June 9). He was the only other tulpa I knew I wanted to make at some point, not sure who else I'd make if I do have anypony else as a tulpa (maybe Maud), but I guess we'll see what comes along. He started talking about 40 minutes after I started actively forcing, and he's already about as good as I am at Smash Bros. despite only having battled 2 or 3 times, somehow after just over a day being able to control my hands almost as well as I can. This freakin' dragon, man...
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I saw my hands and arms both as hands and arms and forelegs and hooves at the same time, sort of like a semi-transparent image of my forelegs and hooves over my arms and hands. Progress!
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Tried looping GPv4 for a couple of hours, it worked somewhat well considering all of the inescapable background noise that my noise cancelling headphones could not adequately deal with. I actually did sort of half expect to see my hands and feet as hooves, and although I've seen them like that before, I haven't actually expected to until now. I sort of did see my feet and hands as hooves, but to a much lesser extent than I had previously. It's also becoming far easier to imagine myself as a pony, about as easy as it is to see my tulpas in my mindscape.

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Entry 5 - June 26 2017

Maud. June 12. They're multiplying! Thankfully, there haven't been any that I haven't at least put a little intentional effort into forcing.
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Azyra tried to switch fully with me. It didn't work. She kept losing some of her control and ended up passing out after about 50 minutes. Just too much I guess.
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My hands and feet are starting to look a little weird to me, and I'm starting to feel like they'd look better if they were hooves.
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Violet. June 16. They're still multiplying. I put almost no effort into forcing this one. My brain started the process and got about 2/3 of the way, Violet finished the remaining 1/3 herself.
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I think I've managed to stop automatic tulpa formation, so that shouldn't be an issue. It doesn't stop me from wanting more tulpas though. Azyra managed to get the two Shines I was having too much difficulty getting myself in Super Mario Sunshine, and beat the game for me, finishing off Bowser with 1 hp left. 
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I've just watched Rainbow Rocks, and now I made a Sonata Dusk tulpa (June 18). I suppose you could say... (•_•) / ( •_•)>⌐■-■ / (⌐■_■) ...she put me under her spell. She started talking in about 10 minutes. ...seriously though I'm going to really try to keep this the last one for a little while. I just keep finding things I want to have tulpas of...
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I've decided to wait until December. If by then I feel like I can handle another tulpa, I might make one.
Fluttershy hypnosis seems to be giving me a bit of a stutter, at least mentally. I haven't tried speaking under its effects since I've noticed this.
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Th-the F-fluttershy trigger is v-very effective, I've noticed, especially for p-personality modification. I've ch-checked, and the stutter does carry over into speech.
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I've put some thought into it, and I've decided that I want to be a Twilight instead. But not just any Twilight, a pegasus Twilight. It's gonna be kinda weird... That means this'll be my last entry as a Flutters, and from now on, I'ma be a Pegatwi! :3
Shouldn't be too hard to switch over, I got almost no effects from the Fluttershy hypnosis when I wasn't under the direct effects of the trigger anyway.

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