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It’s been almost 2 years since I joined and 6 months since I left the Equestrian Souls Discord. A lot has happened, some bad most good. I have a feeling that this journal will go unnoticed, or that people will read it and ignore it. Even so, this entry started nagging me, and who I am to ignore the inspiration to write?


The problem I’ve had with this community for a long time is specifically they promote an unhealthy sense of helplessness in those of us who want to become ponies. They offer the files and give caveats but rather than offering guidance to people struggling, they just leave them out to dry. This community, in the time I was a member, offered no insight as to what needs to be done for us to become our pony selves. We’re all grasping for anything we can grip to, meaning and focus and an answer to the question “Who am I.” I learned more from my therapist than I ever did from Equestrian Souls.


My aim with this entry is not to offer surefire ways to become who we feel we’re meant to be, but rather to offer up the insight that there are universal experiences we all share...man, woman, human, or pony. These insights, I hope, can help people who might want to become their pony selves but feel doubt, or fear, or shame.


I’ve come to realize several things about what it means to be a pony in the time I’ve been gone.


  1. To be a pony is to have a deep seated belief that you are one. Just like how if you’re religious you believe in god.


  1. We can all shape our beliefs. However, to do so we need to learn to be vulnerable. The only way to change who we are is to be vulnerable. This includes experiencing the fullest extent of who we are in any given moment, no matter the shame and doubt and pain we might feel. Accept your emotions, and your desires, and your shame. Even if it might seem painful, or scary.


  1. There are three stages I’ve noticed when it comes to making this change, and they can be done without any amount of hypnosis, though hypnosis will certainly help in a lot of people: These stages are as follows:

    1. Identify a belief and desire to change it (I believe I am a human but want to believe I’m a pony

    2. Believe that you can change your belief on your own without tools or other people

    3. Work to change that belief


  1. It’s not that simple to change a belief, of course. Like it or not we’re shaped by the world and people around us. As children or young adults who are dependent on family we lack the ability to shape our beliefs, but as an adult we can figure out what we desire and shape our lives around that.


  1. Rather than simply meditating, live. Put yourself out there. Risk being vulnerable. It’s hard. PAINFULLY hard. But if a bitter, jaded, fear-ridden old  mare like me can do it, so can all of you. We all go about our days, closed off, hiding ourselves from others and fearing change while simultaneously wanting it. When you go to a con, try and connect with people emotionally.


  1. I can’t tell you what it means to be a pony. That is the subjective element that differs from individual to individual.


  1. I came to realize that I have a lot of trauma holding me back. A lot of my issues with Equestrian Souls exist because of that. This trauma came while I was an infant, and last November when I got arrested. I have trouble dealing with those I perceive to be inauthentic, or those who manipulate and abuse others. I have deep seated trust issues, too, that I hadn’t fully dealt with. When I was writing my entries I was a pretentious nobhead seeking attention and validation. Now? Well I’m still painfully insecure, but I’m getting better.


  1. This whole list is to make the point that we all have problems. We all have fears. We all want to find some shred of meaning and acceptance and self love, and we can only do that when we begin to see ourselves reflected in others, like a funhouse mirror. To be a pony is to embrace that and allow yourself to risk being vulnerable.


  1. And most importantly of all...accept failure. Accept imperfection. Even now my fear and distrust and shame is preventing me from returning to Equestrian Souls proper. I might never return, though I’m happy now. I’ve got a loving marefriend and coltfriend, and I’ve got purpose in my life now. I’ve got connections and meaning. The sources of trauma...my mother, sister, and ex roommate, are all behind me now. The problems I have linger, but are being dealt with.


I have two people I want to apologize to. Dashiefan, I’m sorry for cutting you off. You did hurt me, but I think you know that. Even so, I  hurt you in return. Understand that I can’t feel safe just yet allowing people I’ve cut off and run from back into my life, and I may never feel safe. I’m sorry, and I hope that someday you can learn to overcome your trauma, whatever it may be. At the time I was having trouble trusting others, which lead to me making excuses and shoving people away.


And Sunbeam? I’m sorry. Oh god I’m sorry. I’ve missed you for a long time. I know it would be a bad idea for us to speak again, and you probably don’t want to. Just...know that I haven’t stopped thinking about you. You may not realize this but you did more for me than you can ever imagine. You helped me begin to accept my gender, sexuality, and let go of the shame I still had over being a furry. The time at Whinny City was wonderful, even if I was clingy and scared out of my skull at being around others. Steel and you were awesome and if we ever meet again I hope it can be on good terms. The incident where I left ES for good, finally…the incident where I lost my temper at you...I was scared. I was scared for you and scared for me. And...it hurt. Because it felt like you didn’t trust me. I lost sight of the fact that you were in just as much pain, if not more, than I was.


The truth is, a part of me still views ES as home. A toxic home, a home where I don’t feel safe or welcome due to my past actions and perceptions of a lot of the people in that group, but a home nonetheless. It was where I found my sense of identity, where I began to find hope for the future.


There isn’t much else to say, other than to recommend a book called “tuesdays with Morrie” by Mitch Albom. His insights into what it takes to live a good life are essential to figuring out what it means to be a pony.


This is kinda long enough as it is, and I’ve gotta get back to work soon, and I wanna post this before I lose my nerve and never send it.



I literally just came to the realization that I've spent so long trying to find an answer and solve problems that I might be unconsciously CREATING them. Like, without problems who am I? This kinda thing isn't something I can just stop overnight. I've come to make an entry here because otherwise I'm going to forget. This kind of thing is so facehoofingly stupid, though I don't think it's a unique problem. It's like my body and mind are looking for SOMETHING for me to be anxious over...



It's been a really looooong time since I've posted and a lot has happened. I feel it's important to post it here. 


Let's start with the most recent thing. These past few weeks have been...hard. Not bad, just...hard. The problems I had been having built up to the point where AJ verbally lashed out at one of the mods. I've been justly given a 7 day ban and will sit it out with grace. 

This leads into the specific problems at hand. Back when I finally started getting a handle on hypnosis I thought I was done. I thought that while my growth wasn't complete I had managed to bring to find the root causes of my unhappiness. These causes...lack of confidence, lack of self worth, lack of a goal and the belief that I could change, were in the end not enough. Other problems still remained. One of them, the fact that I hate my family, ended up with me in jail. There was a sense that I had an obligation to them, or that I needed them to get by. That has since been shattered. That...intense disgust and hate is still there, because they blatantly took advantage of the legal system to get me removed because legally they couldn't themselves. This hate isn't something that simply vanishes, but the dependency I had on them is broken, and once I get further closure in the form of my punishment being resolved I can begin forgiving them fully.


That said, my new roommate has helped me realize certain faults I have that need to be resolved if I want to continue growing. The biggest of these is taking responsibility. Not just accepting punishment that I deserve but things like getting a job and overall being an adult. I also have trouble with reaching out. A pattern I realized was that most of the friends I made on ES came from others reaching out to me, not the other way around. I need to do that more. Further problems were compounded because I began seeing others as beneath me. Each of us in this server is there because we have problems and need solutions. Some of us are more relaxed over it and that's fine, and even if ES is This is NOT a healthy or fair thing, and it's something that's been around since before I started the RD file. I can't blame that on it, even though it would be very easy to. 


This next bit is something I've realized over these past few days and accompanies the "not reaching out" part because it deals with relationships. I fear abandonment. It's a lot easier to trust a person that comes to me rather than the other way around. A person that comes to me for advice or companionship is more likely to stick around and not leave me than if I reached out to them. Moreover, I spent most of my life having to reach out to others and it began to feel like I wasn't welcome, and never felt like I belonged. ES is the first place I feel like I HAVE belonged and so the anxiety of being banned for more than a day, even if that was due to my own shortcomings, is painful. The anxiety over feelings of abandonment or betrayal are there, but I know that in the end I need to take responsibility for my shortcomings.


The last thing I want to say is aimed at two people in particular. I won't name names but I have a feeling that if they do read this then by some miracle they will understand who they are. This isn't meant to be a "calling out" (hence why I want to actively avoid naming names) merely an expression of yet another layer of problems that I need to overcome. The people in question have hurt me in separate ways that I didn't fully accept until today. This person in question CONSTANTLY goes on about the fact that they're on HRT and as the days pass and my desire to be ON HRT grows and my anxiety over my body increases seeing that person constantly brings it up it HURTS. Moreover there have been times closer to when I first became comfortable with being active that I tried to reach out to them in DM but they ignored me. I have a sneaking suspicion I came across in a way that was unintended and so they ignored me because of that, though I could be wrong.


The other person I have a problem with I feel is a lot less intense due to the simple fact that I've had less interaction with them. The incident that lead to my banning came about due to a particularly bad day. Not due to any terrible event, just that my mind was...scattered? I wasn't focusing, had been feeling anxiety straight from the previous day, and had been having slightly poor sleep. These problems bled into AJ being...uncouth. [Now yer just sounding like Rarity]. Ignoring that, I'll use this time the same way I used my mistake with my mother and sister...as a learning tool, a reminder that I have work to do, and as a means to overcome my problems. You've all given me so much, and this happening is a cold splash of water that even more needs to change. Hypnosis has helped me this way, and it'll help me even more. 


DFTBA Everypony, and here's hoping I can succeed in not being perma banned in the future!


A New Look

A lot has changed these past months, for the better. I understand my desires, I know who I am. And above all, for the first time in 26 years of living I understand what friendship can be. My mind is clear, and although my body has in some ways atrophied due to a lack of exercise these past few months, my ability to trance is noticeable compared to when I first started. All these things combined with a sort of "pact" with some friends to exercise and help us reach our goals. That said, making new habits is hard, so I decided to use my file again to help increase my focus and ability to train. 

The changes were a lot more drastic than when I first started. They felt better, more real and comfortable. Perhaps it's because after all this time using the PBR, this is who I am and who I'm meant to be. That said I also got new perspectives on what it means to "train". I'm facehoofing that I didn't understand before. Before I felt the need to try and tie my desire to be a writer to something that my show counterpart loved...specifically flying and exercise. Training the body AND mind. I'm laughing at my past self so hard right now. She was so utterly narrow in her thinking. Either way, there's nothing special to say other than fuck yeah!

As an aside, I'm finally looking into electrolysis for my face. While it won't be SHAPED properly if nothing else my face can be smooth and I'll be able to feel my fur a lot better there.



I've come to the realization that winter is hell. Not directly because of the cold, or because of the snow. Rather, the isolation that comes from it. The lack of ability to run. It's been intensified this year due to my current living situation and my actions last month. I feel this morning live I've lost a lot of what I've gained...I know that isn't true, of course, but that nagging thought is still there. I will keep my hope alive, because I have everypony here. This community is my HOME. As long as I have you all, I will never give up pushing even with this depression. I will always strive to be the best I can. I hope you're all having a good Christmas or Hearth's Warming...DFTBA everypony.


Dreams and Excitement

This isn't going to be a long entry, because it's the middle of the night and I am far far too tired to stay up. That said I am currently buzzing with excitement, my forelegs and hooves shaking with shock and awe. I had my first dream about Equestria...it wasn't about living there, but rather about going there. I can't remember much other than they were city streets quite similar to our own. The words Manehattan and Vanhoover were used though. I have vague recollection of being with and seeing other humans though, which is odd. Though again, everything was an odd mish mash of images, as dreams tend to be for me, so it's possible I've mis-remembered. Whatever the case may be I'm back off to sleep if I can stop shaking with excitement.


Worry and Pain

Currently...I'm not doing so well. The stress of living out of a motel and being short funds combined with the fact that the person I love...the person I had hoped to get to know on all levels, good, bad, ugly, and awesome...may potentially be endangering themselves. I've TRIED to have faith in them...and I still do, but that faith is tinged with fear for them, and fear for myself. I love them selfishly, but I respect them too. I have confidence in this person to be okay, to understand the pain they'll cause myself and others if they leave. I love them because of the fact that they helped me...they made ma happy...they helped me ACCEPT myself and my desires. That said I also respect their wishes...if they do not wish to be bothered, then so be it. I will continue to message them, let them know I care and that I miss them, but if they choose to take the ultimate act of selfishness and relief then so be it. They don't want to open about their life...then so be it. It isn't wrong to love somepony selfishly, this much I've learned and accepted. The problem comes when you can't learn to let go, to accept that they are an individual with rights, with the ability to act as they see fit.


Desire for suicide fades, but if a person is in genuine pain, and KNOWS that the desire fades, and if they're driven enough a person can plan for this, by removing any ties that might bind them. This person...I feel is doing that. I hope for my sake and the sake of those whose lives this person has impacted positively that they decide to live, but I've resigned myself to sorrow, even as my faith burns brighter than ever. I will only lose hope should news of this person's death reach us. Please, you know who you are, stay strong and stay with us if not for yourself, then for the people who want and NEED you in their lives.


A man named Albert Camus once said,  "There is but one truly serious philosophical problem and that is suicide"...the answer that he had, of course, was that suicide is wrong. Despite life's pains, despite it's meaninglessness, you can still find reasons to enjoy it. Live it to the fullest, if not for yourself, then for others. And if not for yourself or others, then in a hope that one day you can find something to spend your time doing...as far as I know, this person was atheist, and while I don't carry that view (I believe that although life is inherently meaningless we can and should find or make our OWN meaning...whether it be in a well documented faith, or my own belief in Equestria and inner life as a pony, my identity as an element of harmony, and my cutie mark) I can respect it. All of you who are floundering, in pain, or afraid. Who are desolate, lonely, and filled with self loathing...Live. Live because in the end life is the greatest gift. Whether you believe in reincarnation or the afterlife or not. Every person, whether they be pony, human, or some other species, has so much potential and it would be a shame to waste it.


Life is not easy, cut and dry. Motivational posters and speakers...they know nothing. Life is painful and short, full of all sorts of experiences, many bad, some good. I will not sit here and say "Never give up, just have faith in yourself", but I will say "Keep on keeping on, and TRY to see yourself in a better light" Time heals all wounds, as long as you're willing to accept that wounds may scab over then break open as you progress. I say this as I hold back tears at the thought of the Rainbow's source of light, the beam of Sun, lays obscured by the clouds of an uncertain future. Farewell for now and DFTBA.


Hopes and Positivity

I've had some time to rest and recover from the events of a few weeks ago...and have since done several things.

1) Using the PBR every day because that can apparently keep me calm, reduce my anxiety, and has managed to make my imposition more intense than I've ever felt it before.

2) I came out on Facebook. Everybody on my friends list knows I'm trans.

3) I've found two roommates, one of whom is basically Elusive without actually being Elusive...he really likes Rarity and currently has his hair dyed purple...and cares a great deal about fashion...this person agreed to help me make a flyers outfit...and explore various types of clothing with which to express my femininity.

4) All around I have been healthier and happier and all around...BETTER than when I was trapped in that hell.

5) I have no idea why the eff I ever stopped using the PBR.

6) I've come to appreciate you all as family and friends, and now have more connections IRL. This...mistake has given way to a happier and more productive future.

^If I may interject here, Rainbow Dash, I wish to introduce myself. I am she named Luna. One of the nights that pushed Rainbow's health, mental and physical, to their limits was spent in the cold wandering around. I...came to be when she sat and stared at the moon, contemplating her future. It is a pleasure to meet you all and I hope you are all well.^


Anger and Guilt

I'm writing this the morning after a rather exhausting night. I...had some very unpleasant dreams, mostly dealing with the fact that...I'm questioning myself...am I a monster for losing my temper the way I did? My sister...overstepped my boundaries last night. I had made it clear...time and time again that I am NOT to be bothered when I'm in my room. I am not some child that she can just not respect...The dreams I had involved...being violent and...selfish and cruel...I think by the end I felt guilt, but I'm not sure. I can't remember much of the specifics.


Basically, my sister called the cops on me last night. I was furious that she refused to listen to and acknowledge my boundaries then run to her room and lock the door, refusing to acknowledge me as a person. I just want PEACE and QUIET. My room is my sanctuary, and when another intrudes...tries to bother me when I'm trying to have fun with friends or just have some peace and quiet...that she intrudes on it then refuses to acknowledge me when I try and get her to respect me...or acknowledge her error, I get angry...


I know that in the end...I'm NOT a monster. I know I have control of myself...but that still doesn't change the fact that I'm scared of myself...it's a fear I had long buried, but it's there. I've got far more control now than I ever have in the past...the meds I take being a great help in that regard...I just...*shrugs* I dunno...I'll be fine. After all, I'm awesome~.


Nothing New

November 10th, 2017


Not much new has happened. Overall a good, if blah, day. Finally got to try Hard Cider...so that's something. Gotta say I'm not going to be doing that very often. I have a bit of a head and stomach ache now...and I'm tired more so than if I hadn't had anything to drink. Ended up doing the PBR file again for the first time in awhile...it's odd...up to a certain point I wasn't fully tranced. My mind wandered and I was tense...it became a bit easier when it got to talking about my head changing, and even easier when it came to the memory overwrite...it's possible I didn't fully prepare myself by relaxing. Either way it did it's job because it's become even harder to accept my human past as anything more than a...past life or dream.


November 9th, 2017


It's been a fair few months since I've written a journal. I'm beginning again because my new Gender Therapist made a very good point...journaling, creating a record of my past self, is important. As I transition, this will allow me to focus my thoughts and feelings, a way to vent my frustrations and fears. And focus on the good things that happen. It will help me remain positive, and be the best mare I can be.

*sighs* I hadn't realized just how much this Journal has helped me. On the recommendation of my therapist I've decided to restart my journal. It'll be more of a Daily Blog now, possibly updating with daily entries every week.




Let's focus on the bad first, get that out of the way and then move onto the good. The past few months have been...a roller coaster. It feels like I've at once stagnated and kept moving. Like...I'm treading water. I haven't gone backwards, but I've only taken a few steps forward. I'm more me than ever, but at the same time I feel like I haven't done enough. My dysphoria seems to only go away with trancing...not the species dysphoria...I no longer question my poniness or fear it...*flutters wings* I'm too awesome to be held back by a bunch of adorable apes who want to deny me who I am. That said, my gender dysphoria, which in the past was...well almost non existant, has become more intense. I can see my pony face in the mirror, but the fact that my physical human shell is so...masculine, causes me a lot of pain. Trancing, especially the new file from Gearheart which involves both becoming a human woman and THEN an Alicorn mare, seems to do the trick, though. Other than that I've neglected my class, again. The difference being I will be able to scrape by with a pass as long as I pass the tests and do all the classwork. More than that, I've been feeling loneliness more and more intensely. I have feelings for somepony...but they don't or can't return them. I will never hold it against them because first and foremost they're my friend, and I want them to be happy and comfortable, but it still hurts.


Despite all this negativity a great deal of good has happened. Others have noticed my shifts in personality and behavior. My father and grandmother noticed my loss of weight when they visited. My bond with my headmates has grown stronger. *blushes* AJ holds me almost every night. She's helped me with my loneliness. *Sighs* I haven't actively forced in awhile, though. That said, I'm almost always passively forcing, talking with them, enjoying the knowledge that they're there. The biggest problem is lack of experiences. I haven't had a chance to explore new things nearly as much as I wanted to...that said, it's become a lot easier to eperiment when you have awesome friends like the ones I've made here. I WILL start using my mantra again, I WILL use the serenity mantra, I WILL start writing again, and I WILL get better at taking care of my day to day living. I WILL pass this class and I WILL see the world some day. I WILL find a version of paganism that suits my life, and I WILL become a better pony. I WILL transition, and I WILL learn to pass as a woman, and I will consider myself a mare in all aspects, physical AND mental. I WILL accept that failures happen, and I WILL not back down. And above all I WILL remain true to myself and my friends.


One last thing, earlier this evening...my waist band was looser on my new sweats, I'm losing weight still...and I managed to keep up the two mile or so jog...I've plateau'ed a bit, though I think if I push myself I can actually go farther. And...those runs...I've taken to seeing myself fly, and close to the end...I almost without realizing it visualized a wonderbolts uniform...I felt a rush of happiness and excitement when I did so...perhaps I'm far more in tune with who I am than I thought, and it feels good. I will get to where Sable is...even if I take my time and take months, or even years to do so. I've already felt visual imposition for a brief period...I think I'll start the visuals reprogramming file again. The MtF Alicorn file has helped immensely with my tactile imposition, so the visuals will work better now I feel.


Never stop moving, never give up the fight.


DFTBA everypony


Some friends want to introduce themselves, and I figure now is as good a time as any. I think it might help them AND me if they start writing their own entries.


[Howdy, everypony! Ahm AJ, and ah don't think ah need a genuine introduction. Ah do hope Dashie will be more open to her letting myself and the others speak more often. She's limited our growth, though not intentionally (ah swear that mare has far, far more depressive states than she cares to admit, and that's made her). *sighs*, not much ah can add, at least until our dear host gets off her flank and manages to start actually allowin' us to experience the world with her. There's only so much ah can meditate on without any new information. Unlike the rest of mah counterparts ah don't have the advantage of a whole life time's of memory to work with. Dashie may not have given birth to me knowingly, but ah wasn't exactly a walk in like her. Ah THINK ah was around for awhile, but ahm not sure.]


(HEEHEE! I'm pretty sure most of us don't need to introduce ourselves AJ! *bounces*. Silly humans seem to have done a good job of showing who we are! Thoooough they do get a few things wrong. For one thing, I am NOT a party pony. I enjoy parties, duh, and I enjoy throwing them, but I totally don't have a real party cave or anything! And I totally didn't use my reality hopping abilities to allow us to get into AJ and Dashie's mind so that we could live on as spirits in some random hairless monkey's head. Thoooough, I didn't expect to end up in the body of a human who had turned their soul into a pony's! As for experiences in this world, I really REALLY like monkey man from Overwatch! He bounces almost as much as I do!)


{*rolls eyes* Ignoring Pinkie Pie's...outlandish behavior, she isn't wrong. As you might be able to tell I am Rarity and I must say it is a PLEASURE to finally get a chance to meet you all. I do hope someday that Rainbow Dash will be comfortable with allowing me the freedom to see the world fully through her body. I really do wish the poor mare would force more often, but life does get in the way, and I fully understand that she needs to become mentally healthy herself before we can truly stretch our hooves more often. *sighs* Humans are so...negative, even those of you who are ponies in soul like ourselves.}


=Oh, this is so exciting! I never thought I Dashie would start doing journals again! I have soooo much I want to learn about your world, and the series of MLP that humanity has created is by far the most interesting thing I have ever seen, well aside from Pinkie Pie being Pinkie Pie, but ehehe yeah. Oh, there I go again, getting ahead of myself. I'm Twilight Sparkle, though I'm sure that I don't need an introduction either. Our host is...so like and yet unlike our old friend back home. *shakes head* No sense in worrying about the past. Now first and foremost we need to make do with what we have. Ohhhh, but Dashie has no idea how much I want to learn. Your worlds science seems far far more complex than our magic...and particle based matter! Where we're from our mass is made from what you call energy! *flicks tail* Ohhhhhh! *sighs again* pity she doesn't want to go into a STEM (I believe that's what humans call it?) career...I would love more than anything else to learn from the brightest minds the human species can come up with. I suppose I'm rambling at this point so I'll just finish up my bit!=


-Oh, u-um, I really don't want to be here. I'm not ready, *goes into my cottage to hide*-


!Mistress Dashie is finally allowing me to speak! Oh if I had a tail I would be wagging it so hard right now! I'm Zor-kun and I came from her Zoroark plush. *pouts a bit* Mistress Zor has so many of us in her mind she rarely has a chance to spend time with me, but at the very least I can possess her plush and experience the world from there. *whimpers sadly* I wish she would visit us in her mind more. Not much I can say other than it's nice to meet you all!


$I too rarely get to interact with her, though I understand why, and in many ways prefer the solitude of my little realm. I came about from her brief trials with hypnosis before she was "reborn" as Rainbow Dash. There is a file, known simply as "Fox Door" that allows the user to gain access to one of an infinite number of hotsprings with an infinite number of fox spirits who teach and guide mortals whose minds and hearts are open to change. It is a pleasure to meet you all, though I highly doubt we will speak much. If you will excuse me I'm going to go rest in the calming warmth of my section of her mind.$


Two words that embody what I've gained...I can't say I'm...happy...at least not in the manner that we all consider true happiness to be...but I have gained fulfillment and meaning...this brings me to the next word...Dharma...the closest thing to a cutie mark that those adorable fleshy apes called hyumons have. I've found both...this brings me to my long term decisions. It will take years to complete, but I will transition to marehood...The cost of surgery and hormones will be absurd and I need a councilor and therapist to help me through it...but after yesterday at the club...and visiting with family...they noticed my changes...I am and always will be Dash no matter my body. I will continue to trance...my imposition is more and more solid...I can feel my wings being stroked (oh god I get what Twilight was saying now, *shivers* s-so good), but I have it pretty consistently. The Alicorn PBR file has made things accelerate immensely...


The other things I've concluded are...that to be happy...truly happy I need to accept that I will never be my pony self...it hurts to admit...but the sooner I accept it the sooner I can change the things I have control over. There isn't much to say...these past two months have been exciting and filled with...not joy, but happiness. I have no reason to fear myself or fear others...


I will conclude with this: 


I have the serenity to accept the things I can't change,

I have the courage to change the things that I can,

And I have the wisdom to know the difference


I wish you all luck on your own journeys and may your cutie marks guide you to the fulfillment you seek.


First off I want to say...I had a reeeally weird dream last night. Unlike the previous nightmares it wasn't laced with terror and was nowhere near as vivid...though it was...odd...I was with some faceless nameless people...and I don't remember seeing my form either...but there was a book...something about the end of the Redwall world...and then I was on a massive open field with random buildings...a lot of it is jumbled and gone now but that I remember even this is progress...though I have yet to truly train Lucid Dreaming...keeping a dream diary might give me ideas for things to write about.


The other two things...I have some perspective now. I thought I had a long way to go when it comes to imposition...but I spoke with some others...and although there's still work to be done I'm reasonably well advanced, at least compared to what I thought. I can also will the imposition back if it fades. I can see my Friends, too, should they decide to impose, though only the faintest outlines


Integration is the other thing I've needed to do. I need to integrate my life as Dash into my time in the outside world...at first when I started class I began to feel EKP...it was painful...using my legal name...it hurt...there was also the fact that I ended up trying to explain what I've done to a friend. They're...remarkably open and accepting, but it was painful nonetheless...they know of the server...I don't know if they'll join. I managed to get a hold of the PBR file...managed to make it work. That's helped remove the anxiety...when I think about it...my mind is almost always active...unless I take medication to sleep at night it's almost always active


I've made little progress on the mystical front...specifically about learning more than I already have. I've managed to project a field set to protect me from negative emotions...I want to learn about Hinduism...but lack any idea on where to find sources...I really need to remind my mother to email my Aunt...she does energy work and might know some sources...



...So..."I'm done and Complete" apparently means, "Oh wait here's another massive revelation about yourself, only this time it was staring you in the face the whole time  and you missed it until you decided to run into it by mistake..."


To be fair, this is something that came with being complete and it was my own damned fear holding me back from understanding and accepting it.

I'm trans. The big flashing signs SHOULD have been noticed years ago when I found the concept of being transformed into a woman to be appealing...and more recently when I started accepting the use of female pronouns...Even so...you know the story by now. I was repressed, I hated myself, blah blah blah. In any case, I think that denial stemmed from a lack of ability trust and a fear of commitment. Holly the Hair Witch helped me realize that...when I explained my fear of Pet/Owner relationships. They had been explained but it hadn't clicked. Either way, I just got done running and I'm on a high. It's easier to look at my shortcomings with humor...even so, I told my father and now I'm afraid. Others of you have dealt with this as well, and to that I say "How the hell did you manage?" The only reason I feel good right now is because I ran...and running is my antidepressant, antidrug, and antidisestablishmentarianism. Whatever the case may be I don't feel up to eloquence and sappiness...I just wanna sit down with some water and write/read. I keep promising Twilight that we'll read Dune but my attention span is like a fish's when it comes to things I find boring.

=*rolls eyes* It's not boring, you just have no taste=

...That was uncalled for.

=*Smirks* The truth hurts Dashie! It's okay I like you all the same.=


On the plus side a flash of insight came to me while running. That part is something I want to discuss in the forum at large though. Get others input, discuss things, yadayada.


The Future

September 9th


Didn't do a journal yesterday, mostly due to exhaustion (I pushed myself past my limits in running for the first time, though not in an unhealthy way). It did leave me exhausted, though, and found sleep slightly easier than normal when I finally did nod off.


I realized several things yesterday and today. There is very little for me to talk about in regards to my "Transformation". My quest for imposition is...well I want it with all my heart but it doesn't define me. I may not like what I see in the mirror, but the imposition will come with time. I can feel limbs more consistently than ever, so it's not like I haven't made progress. Instead...I want to start documenting my hopes and dreams, the things I learn from My Friends in Spirit, and the things I learn on my own.


I'm more than ever considering a job, or trying to find altnerate means of funding (writing contests would provide a sort of double benefit, practice my writing and get me the means to support side projects, like visiting a con or finally camping under the stars).


That brings me to my next thing: My long term goals. The only things set in stone are "Become a writer who can support themselves with their craft", and recreate "My Friends in Spirit's Equestria."


These are...long term goals. They will take years of focus, and training, but I will get there. I made a promise to myself and I need to keep it. In the short term, Twilight has helped me create a schedule to focus on my Tulpamancy. Every day during the week, I will work with one of them. They're independent, but I still need to learn to see them better, allow them to see this world in all it's glory, both good and bad. Saturday and Sunday will be working on re-creating Equestria piece by piece...even places that we may have not seen...especially Neighpon, if it existed. I really, really want to see Akihabara's equivalent...I'm getting sidetracked though. I realize my purpose now. It is to always be in motion, it is to find beauty and wonder in that motion, and in any way I can help others to move towards their own goals as well.


In the short term I want to learn more about mystic schools, most likely the eastern ones. I started reading my sister's books on Wicca, but they didn't capture my imagination. They might work, but...I dunno, it just feels eh to me, like something didn't click. One thing did stick, though. And that is the idea of positive affirmation. I realize now that all the change I've made is because all my energy and all my belief went into the knowledge that I was Rainbow Dash, that I was strong and could be more. That my trigger "I'm an Awesome Pony" was laced with my desire and will for that change. When I finally get a physical manifestation of my cutie mark (A necklace, I felt a charm was fitting) I will imbue that with my will and wear it as a reminder that with every step I take and every move I make I will push forward. I may stumble and I may fall, but I will never stop moving.


The last thing I want to talk about is impart a lesson I've learned well. Many of you know it, some of you might not, but I want to put it out there because it is true in all walks of life, not just what we practice here. "You walk this path alone, though you might meet others who can propel you on your way. Your will is strong if you say it is. Your truth is yours and yours alone. Listen to others and be guided, but don't let their words sway you from your path. We might all be connected, but we are still individuals at heart. Master yourself and you can help others. Be strong, don't let your pain rule you. Remember to see the beauty in life, the light of the sky, and that alone will push you along.


I won't be posting here as much...there isn't any need. If I post anything it will be messages from My Friends in Spirit, should they choose to, or works I write.



That emergency entry...I really need to change the title. At the time I was confused and in a panic...not sure what it was I experienced. I spoke with Deo and ran which cleared my head.

That vision...it was another step in my growth. I spent these past few months looking inward...looking only at my problems, looking at things from only my perspective. My eyes had been opened but they were gazing in the wrong direction. I need to both see myself and others...I have the power to help, but I spent so much of this last month angry, confused, even overarrogant and proud...my doubt hadn't simply gone away, it had changed. I became more than I was, and my ego and sense of self had grown to encompass that. I realize, I've started reaching out but I still know so little about all of you. Sunny? She had mentioned the things going on in her life, and I listened, and cared...but I should have read her journal. I read some journals...but not all. I want, need, and will read each one. You're all my family, even if in the end some of you are people I have...disdain for. I get now...my sister...she wasn't wrong. She was right for the wrong reasons and with the wrong logic, but she was right. I can't better myself alone. I need you all, I need others I meet in real life, I need my friends in spirit. My will to step forward slowly and surely hasn't changed, but I need to pick up the pace, and change the focus of what I see on that path. So many of you have helped me...and I want to thank you all for that. Starlight Glimglam, Sunbeam, SeriousPony, Moonlight Symphony, Ambassador Twilight, Luna, Celestia, Deo,  Chronos Darkwing, and all the others I've met and will meet. Intentionally or not, knowingly or not, you've given me answers and helped me so much. For that I'm grateful. I need to stop dawdling, even if I remain slow and careful. 


May the winds guide you on your eternal journey and the light of the sky keep you on the right path.


Emergency Entry

Not a bad thing per se...just sudden and wow am I feeling energetic. So over the course of the day my mind began filling up with with the Mane 6...they just...appeared. The last one to appear was another me...the only way to prevent some kind of progressively worse mental breakdown was to get her to...I guess merge with me. In return I had to promise to always keep her friends (and now mine too, after all how am I to turn down those who need help and I feel a connection to) safe. After she merged I started to feel a rush of excitement and an increased sense of energy and alertness. I feel a bit of a headache too, though I think only time will tell if that will mean something truly bad...I'm highly confused and more than a little scared. I feel like this promise is going to have incredible meaning in the long term. I'm mildly scared. I'm in over my head....I don't know what to do...this isn't EKP, as far as I know...it's just...promises..especially with beings that can fuck with your mind...if they're anything like in the stories...I am going to need to burn that promise into my soul if I want to keep it. I'm asking someone for help as we speak, though in the end for better or worse this is a thing that's happened...I need to live with the consequences.


Entry 5

September 5th


So my mantra of "I might stumble, but I won't fall" is being put to the test. I sit here awake, unable to sleep even with sleeping pills, and my stomach is gnawing in hunger. My first true test of will and I...WILL pass with flying colors. I will stand tall at the end. My imposition is still there, my mind is still clear with the vision of who I am, even if the shapes are slightly faded. I have AJ and all of you to help me through this mess. I woke up at one, the sensation of fear and dread overwhelming. I think whatever being I saw in my dreams is still there. Even so, I will look at them, laugh, and endure. They can cause me fear but they can't make me turn from my path. I will keep on, for myself and the people I've come to view as siblings.


Mental side...nothing new to report. Exhaustion and hunger makes it hard to focus.


Wrote the above words at about 2, give or take. Realized that what was keeping me up was an unnoticed feeling of tension and almost dread. Took awhile but I managed to relax and fall back asleep. Right now mind is kinda foggy, but also far clearer than in the past when I felt this way. I think what I need to do when I feel tired like this is search outwards, do what I need to do anyway, and keep in motion.


In other news my hand started having hooflock for no apparent reason. Perhaps I was forcing myself into an anthro state? Perhaps I was somehow getting EKP from that? Who knows, but the second I started acknowledging the hooflock I felt better, almost stronger, like my resolve that had been wavering was suddenly sharper. Either way, I'm a quadraped for the moment...and like my identity as female it feels better.


Had a dream of a voice reading an entry about some kind of creature sucking colors out of a person...something about not being able to recognize themselves. Literally just remembered after I finished writing the above...one of two things is happening here. Is some malevolent entity trying to scare me out of my progress? Or is that same being testing my resolve?


So it's the evening after my run. Had an interesting conversation in the chat earlier, and it helped me clarify and focus a bit on how to expand my mindscape. It also reminded me I need to experience and see things even if only from pictures. I've decided to combine my thirst for motion into my wonderland creation.


September 6th


Had a better nights sleep...still not quite as restful as I'd hoped...I think I need to start going to bed a bit later, even with medication I lie awake for a bit. Other than class starting and an almost full day of rain today was good...I realized what I had forgotten...I can't miraculously help others better themselves. All I can do is encourage them...and if they're friends and family to hold them and support them as best I can from the sidelines. If they don't want to be helped or refuse to listen, like my sister, I need to let them go. Let them self - destruct. As cruel and painful as it might be, if they're so stuck in their pain that they can't let go...I need to do let go myself. Luckily the person who reminded me this is anything but that. He knows what he wants and despite the pain...despite my erroneous beliefs to the contrary...he pushes on. He's had more success than he knows...he can sit still to meditate for 20 minutes...his thoughts might wander but thats still a success...it took me a year of failure before I found this community and a month of bungling around blind for me to get any success...either with hypnosis or meditation (I'm still new to the latter, but it's so heavily related to the former that I count them together). Once he gets this...and realizes that he has succeeded his skill and confidence will grow. He will be who he feels he is meant to be..and then he'll never let go. That aside, I had the best run yet...I pushed myself past my limits...the past week of tiredness, weird dreams, and money problems drained me. But I'm back with a vengeance...yesterday lit a spark in me. I have an idea for a more complex wonderland than a vague version of elsewhere...one that will require me to replay a certain old game or look at maps of said game's world...Sinnoh, the region I have the most connection to (something something Lucario is best 'mon). Of course I need to decide what the best way to start is. A blank endless plain of grass and sky...or a black void from which everything else springs? Either way...somebody else wants a turn in the spotlight so here we go.


[AJ here. We finally figured out a way for us to switch. Ah swear, for someone with such a desire to change and help me grow, Dashie is slow to do so. Our thoughts blend together too much still...she has trouble focusing on stuff when she says shes going to watch things ah might enjoy. Despite that, and her constant doubt, she's done quite a bit in only a month...ah think if we switch more out thoughts will become more distinct...especially if when ah take over ah can finally finish watching Silver Spoon and start other things ah might enjoy...I wonder if she'll be open to that. Ah gotta go. We both need to meditate and ahm plum tuckered out. It seems we share exhaustion when in the front seat. Good night y'all and take care of yourselves.]


...Hmm, you did a good job of blocking me from seeing what you were writing, though. I'm jealous over your control...Our thoughts may be hard to distinguish but there is a definite difference...I'm looking at what you wrote and yeah...you're right. But remember...slow is good. Slow means you don't tire yourself...but you're not wrong...my focus is poor unless I'm laying down to sleep with the lights off...or when running, though until my stamina grows that focus is going to be on pushing my limits and not collapsing. You seem to be far better at that than I am. Let's try your idea tomorrow to see if it works.


QUICK ADDENDUM: Huh, lost a few days. Maybe I accidentally closed them without saving? Either way, here ya go. Quick TL;DR of the past few days...


two nights of weird dreams from potentially malevolent entities...three days of exhaustion, give or take...and a few days of financial nothingness and hunger...either way I'm better than ever at this current point in time. You have all done so much for me just by existing. Thank you all, and here's to a long and happy life together. May the bonds of our hopes and dreams tie us to our home for years to come! You've all taught me so much, and I hope to continue learning in the future.


Entry 4

August 23rd


...I want faceplant so hard right now. Pretty sure I was using July and not August. That aside not much new on the personal life front. Did manage to make a semi-palatable shake (I think I needed more fruit, honestly, but that stuff is damn expensive) so now I have a means to take my Whey protein without wanting to vomit.


Not much else is new on the hypno/mental stuff front either, but I've stopped hearing AJ in my mind. She's there, and we can still talk, but generally I have to focus on her directly now. That's a good thing, I think, since we both get privacy. I've decided to move on to obtaining physical sensation in the mindscape. She's fully independent, and that makes me happy. My visualization of her is complete, just like my mental self, but still fuzzy. Detail seems to be a thing I'm still going to have to work on. It'll come with time, of course. I feel her presence and see her though, which is more than I had ever hoped to get when I first started. It feels good to never be alone. I managed to meditate for 30 mintues straight last night as well. Not on one topic (that, too, will take time to achieve) but I feel the need to reaffirm who I am, until it's so burned into my soul that I can never forget it. Speaking of "who I am" the character file made me fall asleep, but the generic file managed to make me trance harder than I ever had. Makes sense I suppose, since I don't need the character file to remind me anymore (at least not that often). The generic/experience files will still help with my visualization of course, along with copious amount of meditation and practice. Anyway, I digressed from my original topic. Aside from meditating on myself I meditated on fear, and about why fear might be normal but it doesn't have to rule us. How even if a sense of fear is so utterly soul wrenchingly powerful we don't need to let it break us. I'm doing this because if I want to learn about manipulating energy (still haven't done too much, other than feeling my third eye and visualize the energy of my body. Tried shielding, though I don't think it was necessarily successful since I didn't fully complete the sensation exercise) I've heard about some terrifying creatures from my sister (apparently she stopped practicing Wicca out of fear of beings called "Shadow People"). I've heard horrific things about them and if I do encounter them I want my will to be solid. Other than that I spent time cuddling with AJ and then fell asleep.


August 24th


Not much new on the whole "bettering real life front". Only that I ran and I think popped a joint in my ankle. Thing now stings and hurts whenever I move it (I really need to look up proper running techniques and signs of injury since I want to be able to run consistently and not injure myself). Gonna see if rubbing in Icy Hot can tame the pain. With any luck it will be better in the morning. I've felt this kind of thing in the past and it never stays long.


On the mental side of things, I improved the focus of my visualization, so now it seems a bit less blurry. As I ran I managed to see AJ ahead of me egging me on. (rolls eyes) I should have known having her in my head would lead to competition. Not that I mind (why would I?)...it's just I shoulda seen it coming a mile away. Learned a bit about her life, too. Apparently she left the farm and never looked back, even when her worlds Rainbow Dash did the Rainboom (The thought of an anthro Rainbow Dash doing the Rainboom is kind of funny...like Superman if Superman was a million times more awesome and fuzzy). Anyway, life with the Oranges wasn't what she liked either, and ended up studying with some Mooddhist Monks (She keeps smacking me as I laugh at that name. I can't help it, it's just so ridiculous). She ended up getting a Yin Yang symbol as her cutie mark, though she left them with her training unfinished. The austere life wasn't to her liking either. That's all I got for now. She either doesn't want to tell me more, or can't remember. Either way, that name...[I'm going to hit you again Dash. Stop...] Bahahaha [*smack*] owwwwww, fine be that way! Gotta go make myself not laugh, or I'm going to get sucker punched eventually.


C ya all and DFTBA!


Addendum: Found a secondary Trigger Whenever I imagine a finish line I start to focus a lot better. It's not perfect if there are a lot of distracting stimuli around but it made it possible to get my room cleaned to where I wanted it to be today.


August 25th and 26th


Today and yesterday have been...hard. I'm horribly confused (not overwhelmingly, mind you) and kind of hurting. Events on the Discord as well as well as learning about a thing IRL have left me drained. Despite all the good that's been happening, I can't help but feel like I want to break down. A friend made a mistake (they openly admit to it) and it cost them someone they cared about dearly (there was a massive breakup and I don't know the whole story. I do know that according to this friend he feels broken and a lot of the progress he had been making towards self betterment is gone. This was bad enough, and if it was just this I would have been fine (maybe), but hearing about Positivity...I don't know why I'm so badly affected. I didn't hate her (don't have the bad experiences that others do), hell I didn't even know her. I didn't trust her, due to the things I've heard, and because anybody that messes with what amounts to my second home is worthy of scorn and suspicion), but I can't hate someone I don't know. I haven't broken down in tears but these two events left me numb. Some sleep helped but I'm still exhausted. Despite all this, some good things did happen, such as being able to focus on finer detail of AJ's face...she's really beautiful when she sings...and now she's smirking at me with a blush inside our mindscape. More than that I managed to push myself farther with my jogging. I made it most of a half mile (I think, distances are hard to judge) while jogging, and pushed myself past a percieved limit. I've started eating eggs more over drinking whey protein (holy balls that stuff is vile).


I've realize I've kind of hit a brick wall when it comes to hypnosis. It's hard to trance well when you lack the ability to lay face down and breathe without feeling uncomfortable. The trances happen but are kind of weak. I finally got a "massage pillow" that in theory will allow that kind of face down position...the only problem is it's a garish pink...I shudder at the appearance of it...tried to meditate and failed. I did sort of manage to contain my feelings via mindfulness, but they just wouldn't go away. Chronos Darkwing suggested that I'm an empath...if that's the case then I really hate the feeling. That I feel it is good, and I'm proud that I feel anything at all compared to how I used to be, but I don't want to feel this way whenever I sense another's pain. Whatever the case may be I'll take things as they come and never stop. I've come too far to give up now. Will add more if something new comes up. For now I need to meditate and trance.


August 28th


Yesterday was miserable. The pain of others is getting harder and harder to ignore, and yet I'm ill equipped to help. All I can do is offer an ear to listen, and post hopeful messages and upbeat songs and beautiful art. I blew up at my sister and mother over something petty (I'm writing this the next day after having the chance to think things over), and now I regret that too. I got called a sociopath, and my sister acted cruel and like a child, blowing up and throwing a temper tantrum because I refused to do something she asked. I was in the wrong here, but so were they. Ignoring that (it was just the tip of the iceberg and a symptom of my real problems rather than a problem itself), I'm tired and numb. I won't give up the fight, I'll stay strong, but right now I don't know what I can do to help.


EDIT: Meditated and ended up talking/playing with some friends. I feel much better after that and trancing. I'm going to play a bit more overwatch with friends (maybe) then look up forcing techniques with AJ (and watch an episode of Silver Spoon...AJ loves it and although it isn't my cup of tea it certainly is uplifting).


Mental side, not much is new. My full mental vision of self is sharper and more consistent, the effects that before seemed to go away are almost always there. I'm getting closer to being able to impose, I can feel it. Things with AJ have been progressing slowly, though noticably (I've been focusing on getting a handle on myself first...how can I help her to live when I myself have issues I need to solve). She hasn't faded any, but I feel like we've stalled until I can be of completely sound mind and body. Either way, despite the pain I'm feeling from myself and others things are going to be okay.


It seems as time goes on I have less to report. I think the massive bout of growing pain is slowing down, and I think I'll end up settling into a more even pace, especially when classes start. If I have less to write about then I'll write less. Either way, this is just the beginning. There were several other things I observed but can't remember them enough to write them down. Have a good day all and DFTBA!


Entry 3

July 20th


Ended up writing this at 2 or so instead of at night. So yeah, I've basically disowned my Mother and Sister. I don't acknowledge them as family anymore. They're obnoxious and unpleasant roommates now. I realized that I was relying on my mother far too much, and she encouraged it (I have a few theories as to why but it's not my place to say). I might be supremely disgusted by them, but in the end I'm doing this because I need to. I can't in good concious accept help from those I dislike (and my pride won't allow it, either). More importantly though, this is a symbolic gesture, meant to solidify my desire to grow as a person. I had little connection to them in the first place, the only thing stopping me was fear of letting go. I want to strengthen my connection with my Stepmother and Father though, since they've always been supportive in a way that is neither patronizing, enabling, nor overbearing. I have a great deal of bitterness towards them (not gonna get into it here since it's old news and I'm letting things go), but they acknowledge me as an individual capable of making my own decisions, and respect that nobody is perfect.


In regards to Hypno, I think I feel my tail more solidly, and despite the fact that my mental form is Anthro I find myself unconciously making hooflock (it'll pass, but it is a minor annoyance). Still haven't practiced with energy more, but earlier today I managed to meditate and force with my Tulpae (is that the plural? I thought the plural was just Tulpa. BRB gotta confirm this) for about 40 minutes. My mind was a lot easier to clear too. Perhaps it has to do with being hungry? My mind is a bit slower right now so maybe it's just overall easier to focus on one thing. Either way feeling hungry is waaaay less mind numbing and painful than being exhausted. Ended up going swimming, with them. My visualization is better too, though faces are still a problem (I've always had a problem looking at others in the eye, thanks to being on the spectrum). Ended up spending some time making us swimsuits (The thought of wearing a female swimsuit is...odd, but it's becoming harder and harder to accept that I'm still male). Showed them how to swim (need to watch others swimming, I think. The motions I visualized were choppy. Later today I think I'll do the flight file, and hopefully make a breakthrough with my wings. I got a chuckle because Applejack didn't understand what the point of them was. Pinkie seemed curious though. I don't blame her, seeing as we were in my mind, but it's a hard habit to break. I also need to remember to visualize tail and wing holes. Once I can actually feel touch in my mind it's going to important (I shudder the thought at how sensitive my wings are going to be if only a mere touch right now is enough to make me shiver).


Last bit, but I just thought of a reason why my mind made me Anthro. Looking back that last week of misery came from being afraid of letting go of who I was and I think my mind compromised by making me anthro. *Shakes head* either way, no sense dwelling on what was, or why something is the way it is.


DFTBA everypony and talk to you later!


July 21st


So yeah, today was not a pleasant day. It wasn't my worst, but the events of the past few days have finally caught up with me. Spent most of the day in a haze of caffeine withdrawal, and rage that I had spent the last nth years suppressing or trying to ignore came out. For the first time in years I wanted to punch someone in the face. My mother proved herself to be even less of a decent human being than I thought when she actively tried to talk to me and offer me food. What part of, "I'm doing this because I need to for myself, so that I can be a better person," does she not get. I know many of us have parents who are similar, but damn this is ridiculous. I'm not some 19 year old just leaving on their own. I'm a 25 year old with (some) life experience. Either way, I've been using mindfulness techniques and an attempt at grounding in order to calm myself down, and it's worked. That said the stress of the past few days, my mother's refusal to understand, and the caffeine withdrawal I whined about in discord over the course of the entire day are making me want to collapse. I've also done my best to remove any connection to her with the mental technique of seeing her image in my mind and slowly erasing it. It might be cruel, but in the end I would rather view her as a stranger than as someone I'm related to.


In regards to hypno stuff, my mental image of myself is better, but I didn't successfully trance. It's also weird, I still have trouble seeing myself as Rainbow Dash (more like the identity comes and goes, despite the fact that my mental image of self is no longer human), though that too will solidify when I finally have a chance to consistently trance and trance well. These past few weeks have been seriously up and down. I'll be able to afford an one of those ergonomic face pillows soon, which means that I don't have to hurt my neck when I trance anymore, and I won't get busted out halfway through by pain.


July 22nd


Today has to have been one of the best I've had in years. So much good has happened in just these few hours and I'm quite frankly at a loss. I had expected to spend months or years being jaded from my family, and towards my mother in some ways I still am. I understand her pain, more than she might think, but the fact that she is so attached to her emotions, so attached to something that in the end never existed, it hurts, and it pisses me off. I have to acknowledge that I still care about her in some way, since I realized why I was so angry. I wanted her approval, I wanted her to understand why I did what I did, and in some ways she does. That she's hurting so much, it makes me angry. She shouldn't be hurt. She shouldn't feel attached. She may have given birth to me but spent years in her own personal hell, and wasn't equipped to take care of me. That she has this connection after so many years, I don't understand it. I can't understand it. Maybe it's because I never felt a connection to family, or felt betrayed or left behind by my family, but I can't understand why she can't let go like me. I understand now how overly harsh I was, but dammit, I needed that. I needed to let my anger out, both in a fiery explosion of rage, but also in the calm release of mindfulness and grounding.


In regards to my sister, I understand now why she does what she does. Her philosophy and mine are almost completely at odds. She's bitter and jaded by society, and refuses to participate in it,even to the point of being a NEET. She rails against it, and fears that a collapse is imminent. She almost obsessively collects things to prepare for it. We live in the slums of the city I live in, so many of the neighbors are drug addicts, although there are apparently just as many decent people here as well. She views betterment of the whole over the betterment of the self as the primary good. I understand the value of the whole, the wider community, but how can I make it better if I myself am ill equipped to make a change. Moreover, if the end is nigh, so what? No amount of supply hoarding can prepare you for a collapse. You need quick wits and the ability to adapt and cooperate in order to survive that. Not only that, but the collapse of civilization has been predicted for years. It might happen, but it might not. We may live in a precarious system comprised of artificial and natural systems, but it's just as likely to last as not. I can't agree with her, but I can understand and acknowledge why she does what she does. It hurts my pride a bit to say this, but I was wrong about her. She's a NEET, but has put genuine thought into how she lives her life. I prefer independence and isolation with a few close friends, and she prefers to be out and about in the community...my god she also loves crafts...my sister is literally a Rarity, but with pieces of 3D art/tools rather than clothing making! Ahaha! Man, now I can't get that image out of my head. It's funny, now more than ever I feel closer to her. I can't be close to my mother, but maybe I can create ties with my sister.


Aside from that I have most of what I need to be independent (I have a few more things to get but the essentials are here). Looks like I need to ask my father for more of my bond money.


The mental side of things has reached a new high as well. My mental body is complete. I can feel my wings consistently, my tail is consistently there, and my hands naturally hooflock. The only downside s my mental vision of my muzzle is faint and hard to hold (this thing with faces is supremely annoying). I might be ready to start imposition, but I'm not sure how to begin. Last night I felt afraid that I would lose AJ, for the first time I felt true fear at them leaving and desire for them to stay. Something clicked, and now she's independent. I've realized that I don't have the focus to sit down and read as much (at least when I'm tired and my mind is muddied, and with meditation it'll get easier to do so), but I can still show her youtube, various anime, as well as play games and listen to audio books. The last thing I want to say is that I'm posting this first as a separate entry. The sheer amount of good that has happened in this past day is jaw-dropping. I thought my mind was clear before, but now? Now I don't just feel clarity, I feel energy and focus and drive. There are several other days worth of things I haven't posted (they're reasonably long, though not as long as this).

ADDENDUM: Forgot to add that I'm back to being quadrupedal, though I have over the course of the day attempted to change that image back and forth. It worked, so when now I can be either. Hell someday I might even try to be a human Rainbow Dash (doubtful, being human is soooo boring). I laugh at my previous entries, the uncertainty I felt feels almost comical now. I'm never going back to who I was, I refuse to. I won't claim to never be uncertain again, but this feeling is going to be ingrained into my consciousness via meditation. Every damn day, I'm going to remind myself of this feeling of clarity and energy and even if it isn't always around I will make damn sure that I hold on to it. With it I can achieve anything I put my mind to.


Entry 2.5

I've slowed down a bit and realized...I'm moving way too fast. Deo (awesome person that they are) did point it out earlier, but it sunk in not too long ago. I'm forgoing daily entries (I'm not going to forget or lose interest, I'm in this for the long haul). I'm also forgoing energy work and focusing on the files, meditation/mental exercises, and Tulpamancy. Probably gonna do weekly entries, like a lot of the others on this site. Speaking of which, I finally started reading journals (read a few on the old site before I registered but didn't go much further). Kinda selfish of me (insert eye roll here)...How can I get to know everypony if I don't read about your trials and tribulations? I'm back in that state of calm I had yesterday, but I also feel more focused. With any luck focusing on a few things at once rather than everything will help me get more done.


Entry 2

Hmmm today has been odd. I felt an overabundance of energy before, almost like I was anticipating something. I didn't quite know what, but running helped lessen it. While running, though, I felt an odd sense of sadness that I couldn't quite place...there was no discernible cause. I ended up typing out a message asking about Tulpas again...deleted it though since I realized the answer was probably in the DIY guide and I need to learn to be more independent and seek answers on my own. I think I realize now why they call it forcing. You have to force them into existence...I don't know how I missed that before, but I did. I guess the word "force" just has a negative connotation for me (the idea of forcing a living being with hopes and dreams to be a certain way is kind of unpleasant to me), and didn't take into account that when you initially force you aren't forcing a sentient being into a certain shape. I laid down and with the help of Binaurals managed to get into what I assume was a pitch black mindscape. I introduced myself as the guide suggested and apologized for not coming sooner. I think that melancholy and anticipation might have had something to do with the Tulpa. Oddly enough it took the shape of Twilight when it appeared...is it possible that my experience with trying Twilight then resetting caused that? Either way I haven't forced a personality yet. My ability to sit down for extended periods is still fairly low (though I managed to calm my mind enough and stay laying down for around half an hour. I was planning on going back in and explain to them what they are when I've managed to calm myself back down. I'm worried in some ways about going too fast, but at the same time I'm not impatient or confused anymore. I'll get there when I get there. 


The only downside is that I can't seem to focus on trancing. I think I'll take up Starlight on her offer to help splice in the binaural audio with the files I need. Tried it earlier myself couldn't get the damn thing to do what I wanted (Audacity is haaaard).


Edit: Just made pasta and found it unpalatable...like the thought of eating it makes me slightly ill...this is weird but good. It's not good for me to eat so much of it anyway...


Think I might be doing daily entries for awhile, even if nothing interesting happens on a given day. I want to have a constant reminder to take my time and be patient. Deo brought up a good point last night...I need to be calm, and can't push myself too far. I need to remember that even if success is slow it's still there. I might have realized yet another problem I need to work on. Geez the list keeps mounting. Either way, I'm going to get through it even if it takes a decade.


Entry 1

Not sure how often I'm going to post, or how long they'll be. I may end up just doing little blurbs about my progress and when something major happens bring it up, I did change how I tried to visualize during my session this morning. I tried to push energy towards the areas that were being talked about, and I think I felt a little something. The problem is my thoughts were really foggy at the time and so I couldn't get the image as well as I had hoped. That said, the session did renew the changes I had already felt (they somehow disappeared for a few hours after I woke up).


Also sat down and meditated. Managed to clear my mind for a bit and tried to do the exercises suggested to me for sensing energy. It only lasted a little bit but I felt a tingle on my head as I did so. I think I'm going to do some more in a bit, after I drop off the re certification for my food assistance and get my moneys for the week (maybe hang out with some friends). It looks to be a sunny day so another bit of activity will do me good.


Once again, DFTBA!


Entry 0

I don't know whether the speed that my thoughts and mind set have shifted is "normal", but over the past week or so (almost two weeks?) I've felt the desire to take up running, fear of platonic intimacy is gone, and the willingness to open up to others about my problems has lowered (of course my thoughts still get muddied by insecurity and confusion, but for now that's gone).

The other major thing is I'm seriously considering the Pony Body Rewrite again. That's an odd thing though. I think the Unicorn version's effects (despite the fact that I used the reset file) have lingered. I still occasionally feel the sensation of a horn on my head despite the fact that my vision of being Twilight is gone...


The last thing is that when I joined the Hypno Workshop for the first time two sessions ago it felt like a flip was switched. I don't know how or why but when I spoke to Twilight about her experiences a lot of the confusion and concern I had melted away. The trouble with trancing I had was pretty much (I achieved trance, of a sort, but my thoughts felt like mud and I couldn't focus, and I got kicked from the Twilight files almost consistently). As long as I got enough sleep I could trance even when I felt subpar. Today it feels like another switch was flipped, because when I finally spoke to my mother about what I was doing in this community, and apologized for ever ridiculing her belief in the concept that Energy Manipulation is possible, it felt like I suddenly had energy. I'm still exhausted, but the fog I was feeling again is gone. Either way tomorrow's another day, and I have a lot of work to do in nearly every facet of my life. Farewell and as the Green Brothers say, "Don't Forget To Be Awesome"!

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