Ended up writing this at 2 or so instead of at night. So yeah, I've basically disowned my Mother and Sister. I don't acknowledge them as family anymore. They're obnoxious and unpleasant roommates now. I realized that I was relying on my mother far too much, and she encouraged it (I have a few theories as to why but it's not my place to say). I might be supremely disgusted by them, but in the end I'm doing this because I need to. I can't in good concious accept help from those I dislike (and my pride won't allow it, either). More importantly though, this is a symbolic gesture, meant to solidify my desire to grow as a person. I had little connection to them in the first place, the only thing stopping me was fear of letting go. I want to strengthen my connection with my Stepmother and Father though, since they've always been supportive in a way that is neither patronizing, enabling, nor overbearing. I have a great deal of bitterness towards them (not gonna get into it here since it's old news and I'm letting things go), but they acknowledge me as an individual capable of making my own decisions, and respect that nobody is perfect.
In regards to Hypno, I think I feel my tail more solidly, and despite the fact that my mental form is Anthro I find myself unconciously making hooflock (it'll pass, but it is a minor annoyance). Still haven't practiced with energy more, but earlier today I managed to meditate and force with my Tulpae (is that the plural? I thought the plural was just Tulpa. BRB gotta confirm this) for about 40 minutes. My mind was a lot easier to clear too. Perhaps it has to do with being hungry? My mind is a bit slower right now so maybe it's just overall easier to focus on one thing. Either way feeling hungry is waaaay less mind numbing and painful than being exhausted. Ended up going swimming, with them. My visualization is better too, though faces are still a problem (I've always had a problem looking at others in the eye, thanks to being on the spectrum). Ended up spending some time making us swimsuits (The thought of wearing a female swimsuit is...odd, but it's becoming harder and harder to accept that I'm still male). Showed them how to swim (need to watch others swimming, I think. The motions I visualized were choppy. Later today I think I'll do the flight file, and hopefully make a breakthrough with my wings. I got a chuckle because Applejack didn't understand what the point of them was. Pinkie seemed curious though. I don't blame her, seeing as we were in my mind, but it's a hard habit to break. I also need to remember to visualize tail and wing holes. Once I can actually feel touch in my mind it's going to important (I shudder the thought at how sensitive my wings are going to be if only a mere touch right now is enough to make me shiver).
Last bit, but I just thought of a reason why my mind made me Anthro. Looking back that last week of misery came from being afraid of letting go of who I was and I think my mind compromised by making me anthro. *Shakes head* either way, no sense dwelling on what was, or why something is the way it is.
DFTBA everypony and talk to you later!
So yeah, today was not a pleasant day. It wasn't my worst, but the events of the past few days have finally caught up with me. Spent most of the day in a haze of caffeine withdrawal, and rage that I had spent the last nth years suppressing or trying to ignore came out. For the first time in years I wanted to punch someone in the face. My mother proved herself to be even less of a decent human being than I thought when she actively tried to talk to me and offer me food. What part of, "I'm doing this because I need to for myself, so that I can be a better person," does she not get. I know many of us have parents who are similar, but damn this is ridiculous. I'm not some 19 year old just leaving on their own. I'm a 25 year old with (some) life experience. Either way, I've been using mindfulness techniques and an attempt at grounding in order to calm myself down, and it's worked. That said the stress of the past few days, my mother's refusal to understand, and the caffeine withdrawal I whined about in discord over the course of the entire day are making me want to collapse. I've also done my best to remove any connection to her with the mental technique of seeing her image in my mind and slowly erasing it. It might be cruel, but in the end I would rather view her as a stranger than as someone I'm related to.
In regards to hypno stuff, my mental image of myself is better, but I didn't successfully trance. It's also weird, I still have trouble seeing myself as Rainbow Dash (more like the identity comes and goes, despite the fact that my mental image of self is no longer human), though that too will solidify when I finally have a chance to consistently trance and trance well. These past few weeks have been seriously up and down. I'll be able to afford an one of those ergonomic face pillows soon, which means that I don't have to hurt my neck when I trance anymore, and I won't get busted out halfway through by pain.
Today has to have been one of the best I've had in years. So much good has happened in just these few hours and I'm quite frankly at a loss. I had expected to spend months or years being jaded from my family, and towards my mother in some ways I still am. I understand her pain, more than she might think, but the fact that she is so attached to her emotions, so attached to something that in the end never existed, it hurts, and it pisses me off. I have to acknowledge that I still care about her in some way, since I realized why I was so angry. I wanted her approval, I wanted her to understand why I did what I did, and in some ways she does. That she's hurting so much, it makes me angry. She shouldn't be hurt. She shouldn't feel attached. She may have given birth to me but spent years in her own personal hell, and wasn't equipped to take care of me. That she has this connection after so many years, I don't understand it. I can't understand it. Maybe it's because I never felt a connection to family, or felt betrayed or left behind by my family, but I can't understand why she can't let go like me. I understand now how overly harsh I was, but dammit, I needed that. I needed to let my anger out, both in a fiery explosion of rage, but also in the calm release of mindfulness and grounding.
In regards to my sister, I understand now why she does what she does. Her philosophy and mine are almost completely at odds. She's bitter and jaded by society, and refuses to participate in it,even to the point of being a NEET. She rails against it, and fears that a collapse is imminent. She almost obsessively collects things to prepare for it. We live in the slums of the city I live in, so many of the neighbors are drug addicts, although there are apparently just as many decent people here as well. She views betterment of the whole over the betterment of the self as the primary good. I understand the value of the whole, the wider community, but how can I make it better if I myself am ill equipped to make a change. Moreover, if the end is nigh, so what? No amount of supply hoarding can prepare you for a collapse. You need quick wits and the ability to adapt and cooperate in order to survive that. Not only that, but the collapse of civilization has been predicted for years. It might happen, but it might not. We may live in a precarious system comprised of artificial and natural systems, but it's just as likely to last as not. I can't agree with her, but I can understand and acknowledge why she does what she does. It hurts my pride a bit to say this, but I was wrong about her. She's a NEET, but has put genuine thought into how she lives her life. I prefer independence and isolation with a few close friends, and she prefers to be out and about in the community...my god she also loves crafts...my sister is literally a Rarity, but with pieces of 3D art/tools rather than clothing making! Ahaha! Man, now I can't get that image out of my head. It's funny, now more than ever I feel closer to her. I can't be close to my mother, but maybe I can create ties with my sister.
Aside from that I have most of what I need to be independent (I have a few more things to get but the essentials are here). Looks like I need to ask my father for more of my bond money.
The mental side of things has reached a new high as well. My mental body is complete. I can feel my wings consistently, my tail is consistently there, and my hands naturally hooflock. The only downside s my mental vision of my muzzle is faint and hard to hold (this thing with faces is supremely annoying). I might be ready to start imposition, but I'm not sure how to begin. Last night I felt afraid that I would lose AJ, for the first time I felt true fear at them leaving and desire for them to stay. Something clicked, and now she's independent. I've realized that I don't have the focus to sit down and read as much (at least when I'm tired and my mind is muddied, and with meditation it'll get easier to do so), but I can still show her youtube, various anime, as well as play games and listen to audio books. The last thing I want to say is that I'm posting this first as a separate entry. The sheer amount of good that has happened in this past day is jaw-dropping. I thought my mind was clear before, but now? Now I don't just feel clarity, I feel energy and focus and drive. There are several other days worth of things I haven't posted (they're reasonably long, though not as long as this).
ADDENDUM: Forgot to add that I'm back to being quadrupedal, though I have over the course of the day attempted to change that image back and forth. It worked, so when now I can be either. Hell someday I might even try to be a human Rainbow Dash (doubtful, being human is soooo boring). I laugh at my previous entries, the uncertainty I felt feels almost comical now. I'm never going back to who I was, I refuse to. I won't claim to never be uncertain again, but this feeling is going to be ingrained into my consciousness via meditation. Every damn day, I'm going to remind myself of this feeling of clarity and energy and even if it isn't always around I will make damn sure that I hold on to it. With it I can achieve anything I put my mind to.