Please don’t read into this if you’re not feeling well. It’s a mix of my own pains and venting.
Well, it’s been a week since I decided to try to dedicate myself to writing something every day and sharing it on Equestrian Souls. I have been writing journals for a long time, but some of their content is genuinely extremely dark and I don’t think it’s appropriate for me to publicly share my feelings here sometimes. Either way, it has been helping me feel a bit better being able to talk, even if I know no one is watching. It’s just so lonely sometimes. Either way, life is what it is. If I go missing I'll be missed, whether I like it or not.
Not many of you may know, but I have been struggling with depression and a mix of emotional traumas for well over a year now. It’s been a difficult journey and day to day I still think about suicide. I always feel like things are getting worse yet seldomly better.
Many of you will also not know that I am just stepping in place for host, the owner of this body from back before I even started to join in with Hypno Ponies. It is difficult living a life that’s not yours. The issue for me is that others tell me I’m nothing like Rainbow Dash or Scootaloo, and I don’t think they realize it really hurts me. Because after hearing these sorts of remarks I begin to realize how right they are, there is so much that's not right about me. I don’t have a mother or a father, just like the system never had ‘parents’.
After all the conundrum I’ve experienced over the past years I am becoming lost in who I am. I thought I was Rainbow Dash. I wanted to be Rainbow Dash. And everything about being Rainbow Dash worked for me. I became Scootaloo for a bit because of a friend that I started up a CMC with. That’s now sort of fallen apart. I’ve been Cadence, Luna, Derpy, Eris, Night Glider, and many more. With Night Glider being one of my main fits, matching with RD, who I originally was and have always been. Eris fit into a much different side of who I am, the side that feels hurt. The side that is suffering. I’m really feeling lost in who I am now though. Because how can I be me if i’m nothing like me? I know not all Rainbows are sporty and not all Twilights are smart, but I’m nothing special, not even a work of art. Right now I’m listening to a cinematic mix. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ym8JjY4fy-M Music. It keeps me from going insane. This sort of music in particular often ends me up in tears. I’ve become so caught up in hurt. Being lost. Something in my mind constantly reminds me that I belong in an asylum. I don’t know where I belong, but I do know that this body isn’t mine and I am not a male. I wish I could change things, but I feel so powerless.
I’ve been feeling alone. Messaging others in hope for a response, yet time and time again the shadows swallow me whole. Envelope me in their darkness. Wilting me to nothing but a quiet soul of hurt and discontentment. I seek guidance. I’m searching for someone to be there. Somepony actually very similar to our Admin, Luna. Somepony who is knowledgeable and peaceful. It’s something I also have difficulty explaining but I really do feel alone. Being able to be a Tech to Equestrian Souls has brought me so many precious bonds, but everypony is so far away. Time zones mean that I pass out from exhaustion when others awake, and wake whence they fall asleep. Distance means I can’t ever see the faces or receive the most wanted gift I ever have. A hug. I’m so discontent with my life, yet I know that if I even think about ending it I’ll never get a chance to see my system mate Aurorah again and slowly the news will spread. There will be hurt, but eventually, I’ll be forgotten. I came from an organism who feasted on the fruit of the earth, formed from the dust it lay in, only to return there once again. In the end, the world will destroy itself. Humans are cancerous. They do what cancer does to everything. Take over something that isn't yours and destroy it. Pollute without a care in the world.
I want to find somepony, but the somepony I want to find needs specific qualities for me to feel safe ok and contempt. Depression has caused me to lose so much, and I fear it may continue to draw more and more from me as time goes on. As of late, I fear I may be losing my Marefriend again. This is because of my own problems. I never can adapt to change because I’ve seen so many have their lives ruined by others being predatory towards them, peer pressuring them into doing things that could harm their future without care, only for their own desires. I see others get changed, ruined and it hurts. I have slowly lost the spark of love I have and I don’t know why and I don’t like it. Somepony who was perfect once, but after being attacked we both changed. I just want to understand life, but I feel I never will. It’s so hard to let go because I care so so much. I really really do. I care about everypony. My enemies, my friends, all the same. I care like nothing else. I just want to see joy and collaboration. A world where pedophiles don't break the morals of children and a world where people respect other people's well being. It all just makes me so so angry…
On being lost over who I am, and being Scootaloo. There’s another very strong attachment that I used to explain in detail to everyone that I trusted enough to share my feelings with, and that's not very many. There’s this one image where Dash and Scoots are out camping with the other mares. Scoots becomes scared after hearing one of the campfire stories. Later on, we see Dash hugging Scoots. From then on they develop this sisterly bond. Host and I never have had siblings, and have always had our own fears and personal flaws, and this image really really emotionally affected me. I always am looking for my “Dash” in my life. Somepony who I can call family. They don’t have to be related by blood but the fact that the emotionally driven bond exists is something I’d value more than anything. Somepony that was a role model and showed care without having to be asked. Genuine true care.
When I am in the role of Scoots, it's usually because there’s another Dash around. I almost always experience some EKP like issues when I see another pony who identifies as me and it causes some huge issues. So now there are allot of various work around to prevent me from having a melt down. It helps, but there’s still this pain. Again I just want to go home. Not be trapped on this planet. So as Scoots, I often recall things such as Dash flying me around. Just being there, being awesome. She’s so amazing. She always gives me a hoof up when I need it while retaining her awesome. I find myself following her around kinda like a filly to their mother. When we would go to visit the castle, Spike would greet us. She would give me a seat next to her in her chair. There’d be times where Pinkie was being her normal weird self, though she was kinda fun anyway. Fluttershy being quiet and not very assertive. Rarity talking about random stuff. I never understood how Sweetie Belle could deal with her sometimes. I guess it was just sisterly love. Rainbow and I were nothing like AB and AJ or Rara and SB, but we still had the same appreciation for each other.
Either way, memories are memories and because I’m Dash, something tells me these memories aren’t real. Instead, I see memories of sleeping on clouds. Being lazy and awesome. Purplesmart in her tree house and me being there for Scoots. Again, a mix of confusion. Despite being earthed and grounded there are just some things I just can’t deny. I remember Mum and Dad. How supportive they were. How pressured I felt to be the best at everything. I hate being a disappointment.
I wish there was an easier way to make things better but I feel like there isn’t. Time will keep passing by and I will keep being an emotional creature who’s slowly had their joy drained. I will keep feeling a strong desire to find a close friend who willingly spends time with me, talks and understands until I find one. Even after finding all I ever want to have, will I be happy? I don’t think so. Even then I still need to recover. How long will that take? I don’t know. But hopefully, when that time comes, I’ll be able to once again feel my body. My wings. Understand life. Not feeling so alone. Not cry day and night. Everything could be so much better but until that day I’m just another voiceless box of text behind a screen who you will never see the true pains of. The self-harm, or extensive effects of depression. The feelings of someone who’s lost all hope. All hope in the world. All hope in others and in themselves. How can things get better when they never have. I try my best.
Everything makes school hard, makes life hard in general. Things translate to the outside world. Others do see that I’m hurting but they can never grasp why. There are some things I can’t explain to people because of the results they will cause. It’s like telling your country that you’re a double agent that just exposed all their important info. That’ll get you jailed or even murdered pretty quickly. There are just some things that you can’t say.
There’s so much more I need and want to say but I’ve lost how to start explaining them. Things can be difficult to just talk about, especially when my reputation is on the line. I want to make changes to the world I feel I can never do. I am so so cynical of nearly everyone around me because of how time and time again I’ve been lied to. Through drama and hypnosis and it just makes me so upset. To see these lies, manipulation in action. I won’t name names but sometimes you just need to take your time with others. Don’t go into important things without knowing someone.
With that, I guess I better have a shower and try to get the system to sleep. Sleep is yet another issue of being flesh. It’s time consuming, difficult and boring. Hopefully, in time I’ll find somepony who’s willing to give some leniency.