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As the most awesome pony evah~ I need a place to share my epic stories~

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#13 Life is Strange


As those of you who follow my writings would know, I have been playing through Life is Strange. I have to say, it is one of my most favourite games. It makes me feel less alone, emotional like nothing else. And while these strong emotions result in me shaking, I still value them. I value them because it feels so good to feel. It feels so good to feel something other than numb. Either way, this game has been emotional. It’s been a rollercoaster. There’s been loss, gain, problems, resolutions. Really, reminds me allot of my own life. I think that anyone reading this should at least give it a go. Just know that you’re in for a few hours of a mix of happy and sad tears.

The past little while hasn't been overly interesting for me. I’ve mainly just been sitting around and being lazy. I don’t know if I mentioned it in my last entry but I went to see the new KingsMan movie. It was totally epic. Though there were some really gruesome scenes that I can't bare even recalling. It was a strange mix of slapstick comedy with serious spy action. Either Way it was a decent movie and if you’re over the age restriction then go ahead and watch it.

Today I just made cookies basically. I decided to record some random clips too. Cookies turned out rather well after I burnt them. Still taste ok. I’ll probably be putting a link up to the video I made later.

In terms of pony progress, I’ve still been thinking allot about my body, about home. I still think constantly about Equestria amongst other things. I woke up one morning and felt my tail for a brief moment. Again, not much but it's something and I appreciate the progress. I’ve met more and more other ponies who are also searching for a way home. Some say to “not get lost in a delusion”. Thing is, going home would mean the world to me. It’s not a delusion. The fact I’m on the wrong planet in the wrong place, time, and body is simply fact. Magic.

In terms of friendship lessons I haven’t really learnt anything overly constructive. I’ve had more encounters with people and things that have really only made me even more cynical than I was before. Not exactly a good thing, but it goes to show that I really don’t know who I can trust. It really sucks to have your work discredited and your qualities ignored due to others being fraudulent.

Day to day, I’ve been thinking about those who have disappeared from my life. I still think about them daily. There’s so much I want to talk about with them but I know I may never be able to again. Infact with some of them I won’t ever be able to period.

I want to write more but I don't know what to write about, other then how weird dreams are.

-Your Awesomeness, Rainbow Dash~!


Again, it’s been forever since I last wrote a journal entry. I’m never able to keep up with these things. Either way maybe I should just write one semi-longish entry to cover the past few days.


Last friday, school ended for the term. I was so happy to be able to go home and relax. Sadly now it looks like this may not be the case. I was pretty stressed out during my travels back home. As always they took several hours. The bus was super full so I spent my hours on the bus squashed up next to some laxed looking surfer dude. Eventually I managed to squeeze my headphones out of my bag, put them on and get some rest. I still woke up multiple times, each time with a more painful feeling back - which at the end of it was so sore I couldn’t bend. Once I got home I wasn’t feeling all that great. I kept thinking about the elements of Harmony. Where they were. Why I was on this stupid planet. And why the world was this way. I wasn’t exactly feeling great at all. I laid down on my bed, had a cry as you do when you’re that stressed out.  Eventually at 1am got some rest. Again as always, no one was really actively talking to me. Just the odd message here and there. I just kinda sat there. Just staring at my wall feeling exhausted. At some point I did decide to put on some music, but I didn’t really focus on it. It was more that I don’t like the piercing screech of silence. During that time I just sat there reflecting. Where did I want my future to go? How was I going to make my way to America. There’s honestly a lot I was thinking about. Where was I going to work once I got to America. I already knew who I wanted to visit and live with, but I didn’t know how to get to them or where they’d be. Apart from stressing about my physical future, I was also stressing a lot about my exams. A couple years ago I would have been getting “straight A’s” as some people would call it. This year I failed every single one of my exams and I’m really really stressing about my future in terms of that. I go through allot from my “family”, and I knew what was coming I wasn't going to look forward to. Upon them receiving my results I got a big long talk. I really tried but something is getting in the way. For the last two and a bit years I’ve been on a constant downfall. I haven’t been able to think. I haven't had good memory of things before those two years.  I dunno. Life is really hard for me… Anyways, that was Friday, a day of in depth thought and travel.

Saturday & Sunday:

My weekend wasn’t all that interesting. I kinda just sat around and was lazy. I tried to compel myself to do something whether that be study or game or watch Youtube, but for some reason I didn’t really feel any interest in any of that. So again I just sat around doing random things. In the end I did pull everything off of all of my shelves, chucked half of it out and reorganized what I’d decided was worth keeping. It does feel more comfortable to look at now. During that I found my old glasses, which I no longer needed as they were only corrective transition lenses and I no longer needed them. Aside from all that I really did end up doing some gardening, mowing the lawns, enjoying the rain.


And then the first day of the week came again. Monday. Of course this is usually a sucky day because it’s the first day of school. However for me it’s the holidays. This means that I could just sleep. And sleep I did. I slept until 1pm in fact. After that I got up, made myself some noodles because that’s all we had in the cupboard and ate them. I was feeling a bit better. I decided that I’d play the first chapter of life is strange. I’d been looking forward to it for some time. So I did. I played through the whole first episode and recorded it: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ST5bv9IeO2E . I would’ve been using my femme voice but I dunno, I was feeling a bit sick still and I guess I’m still insecure about myself. Either Way, I did some editing, audio mixing and then published the video. It was hard at first because my computer couldn’t handle the long video file, but I got it done in the end. I really enjoyed it and I can't wait to have the time to finish the game off next week.


And here I am now. Annoyed at myself for not keeping up with my journal. Today again wasn’t the best of days. I got screwed with by various people. Felt bad and all that. Glad that it’s over but I’m not looking forward to the consequences. I had to take my headphones back to the store because they decided to break. Also had to take my shoes back because they too decided to break. After all that I went for a about an hour and a half run. Collapsed in a field. Let my emotions out, and thought. Thought about life and living and what things mean. It felt a bit better once I got home. I didn’t feel as bad anymore, at least emotionally. I still hurt physically though and some things were still on my mind. Either Way, I’m just happy today is coming to a close. I’m hoping to see the new Kingsman movie sometime this week too. That’s something I’m looking forward to but I’m not sure if I’ll be able to take my mind off of things for long enough to actually enjoy it though.

- Your awesomeness, Rainbow.


This is your awesome Wonderbolt, Rainbow Dash speaking here. I’ve come for another report on the world that these ‘people’ call earth.

Earth. A sickly place with disease and pain, where war is fought for little gain. The humans seek hope, they seek the fame, but in the end all that comes is pain. Without a song to sing and a dance to dance, where is the future? Humans are like cancer, they grow, they spread. They take all the resources, they destroy earth's homes. Nature tries to fight. It sends natural disaster after natural disaster, quake after quake after quake and yet we keep growing and growing. You see, this is the earth's cure, and we are the disease. In this life there's no purpose but to live and to feed. The humans live of loneliness and greed. And still the earth will fight onwards, will America really ever be great again? We aim our weapons, our nukes, our rifles, they say cancer beats cancer, but in the end who really wins? You can’t just beat fire with fire. That’s insane. Everyone needs a little faith. Someone to look up to. Someone who knows peace from truth.

You took me from everything I am, kicked me out of my home. I ran as the bullets rained. Proverbial speech fired like rifles that explode on impact, shattering my heart, shattering all that is me. I fall, I fall, the rain tumbles down. Each drop bleaching away the tears, the fractured heart this world has formed. You see pain is more than that. Pain is everything. Pain is what drives us. Pain is what makes the world go around. But why?.. Why does it need to be this way? Why do humans have to fight, call ourselves right, preach our speech while colds breech the health of the poor. The lonely. The impoverished. Just like we are cancer to this earth, we are cancer to each other. Someone once said “If everyone gave a little we’d all have so much”, they never meant to give pain. They meant to give good. Good that lets a seed of hope become a tree of trust. That spawn of hope forming their lust to live and move on. Stand up to the bullets. Grab them from the air as if they were nothing. But they can’t. They can’t. A warrior is useless without his shield and by dipping it in acid he has nothing. He can punch, he can run, he can hide, but he can never be safe. This warrior is forever fighting a battle against other warriors that have lost track of what they even fight for. An endless money grab in a world full of lies. If home is a place of comfort, then my house is a pit full of glass.




#10 That's a Ten


If you don’t know what the reference is in the title of this post then here you go: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SLP9mbCuhJc Warning it may be a cringy meme. Anyways, why am I being a memer? I don’t understand memes xD.

So, how’s my week gone? Actually not that great. Infact its been kinda lousy. I had exams on monday and tuesday and by the looks of my results I failed both of them. They were physics and maths. I’m pretty upset with myself for that. I’ve still been feeling pretty lonely. Looking for someone who loves me. I know who I want to be with but time can only tell if that will happen. I love them very much. In other news my laptop simply decided to just fall apart, which is a really really big issue for me. It has my whole life on it. Everything that’s important to me. I don’t have a family or friends or my system mates no more. It’s just me. I got all my important school work. All my coding. All my hypno and writing. I need it for everything that interests me. I don’t have the money to buy a new one but hopefully I can sort something out. It still works but i’m unable to move it at all without the screen flopping in awkward directions and cables popping out. I’ve never had devices break on me before so it’s upsetting. I take so much care of the stuff I do own… Sometimes during christmas I get a couple days of work at a tech company so I know how to fix my laptop. By the way, the money I earn in those weeks has to last me the whole year for reasons. Issue is they don't make parts for this model as it was end of line when I brought it.

Pony form? Well I mean I felt hooves for a few moments while in one of my exams. Kinda odd cuz my memory of feeling it is in a classroom I was in two years ago but I swear it's a recent memory. It’s super confusing. Either Way, I felt my hind hooves. Then I was like ‘wait a second’, after realising that my hind legs felt right for once. Then they disappeared. Kinda hurt but hey, after hundreds of hours of over a year trying to repair our system, those few seconds of realisation were some of the most fulfilling moments I’ve ever had.

Aside from that I’d also listened to the Princess’ reset file again, just the start, because it has some really vital things which are helping me emotionally. I really appreciate everything from everypony.

Other than that, back to my laptop I really hope I can fix it. I was hoping to be able to get some stuff, maybe start up a hosting project but that costs. Looks like sometime next year I’ll have to try collect the money for a laptop. It doesn’t matter if it can't game. It just needs to be fairly responsive. Handle discord, text editors and web browsing along with simple multi tasking. I’d ask for money, but I don't like to seem like I'm taking advantage of others. Hopefully I’ll find a way. There’s always a way.

As for now, I’ll just have to see what happens. I have school holidays at the end of next week. Thank Celestia I’ll be able to try to get some sleep. Anyways, again as always, Goodnight everypony. I love you all so very much.



#9 I'm Back?


So, it’s Tuesday. Yay? Means I’m still alive. Yay?.. Anyways, despite wanting to write these daily, I’ve already failed. Then again, 8 days in a row is a pretty good record.

Either Way, our preliminary exams are done for now. I’m kinda happy that they’re over. They’re all shoved into a period of a few days and it is just so slow. The exams don’t even count for anything which is another reason  I don’t like them. At Least the exams at the end of the year next term are spread out over several weeks so I can go “home” and try to get some rest, relaxation, and proper study in.

In terms of my pony body, still sitting in the same painful position. Been doing my nightly files as per usual, however I did feel some slight RP earlier but only for a moment. I didn’t notice it at first, then I was like “Wait, hang on” and it faded. It was kinda an awkward thing to feel, but hey, something is progress even if it's kinda unattractive. Hopefully we can get that back to being permanent. Surprisingly I felt that today, despite listening to a reset file several times yesterday.

Over the past few days, I haven't really been feeling well, hence the sort of silence I’ve had. I managed to make $10 doing some work for someone, so that's bought me two dinners. Pretty awesome. My coding progress is going well, starting to get a really nice looking content management system. Maybe once I’ve finished I’ll be able to open it to the public. It’ll be the fourth website I’ve made for myself. My skills have improved so much ever since we first took a coding course. I mean it’s fun. Host and I both were interested in similar things… That’s what we liked about each other… The fact we could talk about crazy stuff that happened in our day. I’d usually be sleeping on a cloud when she’d meet with me in Equestria. Then I was brought to a world that I’ve never really understood. There’s a lack of care and it's just eh.

I’m still feeling pretty upset about recent events, about my marefriend breaking up with me. It’s sad but doing the reset file did sorta help for a bit. Even managed to help me smile for a moment. Things seem to be going a little better as of today, but I’m still physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausted. I always feel like i’m gonna fall asleep or pass out. It’s kinda difficult to keep ‘my’ eyes open.

If you wonder why I sometimes quote things like ‘my family’ or ‘my’, it’s because the thing is that they’re not exactly mine. Don’t think I need to explain that further.

Anyways, lately it's been pretty stormy around here. Being sunny for 5 minutes then the next you know it’s like a tropical rainstorm outside. At least us weather ponies plan the weather. Here it seems so messed up. Nothing I can do about that (yet).

I don’t really have much to write about to be honest. I was lucky enough to be able to bake a couple of cookies in the weekend. That was a nice treat. I hope you get a cookie too because I love you. And also, if you see a program named “Hewwo.exe” please use it :P.



#8 Bad Decisions?



Sometimes you’re told to keep yourself safe on the internet, and from my experience, please listen and know when it's time to stop. Today I spent the evening browsing around on the TOR network, and I found some horrific stuff. It made me realize that I’m not the only one in the world that's hurting. It made me realize that there is a way out, as easy as it is it hurts everyone around you. But then there’s those who had no one. Those who won’t be missed because no one liked them. No one knew them. Please. If you’re hurting. Please get help. Please seek out someone. If you have no one, please make how you feel known. I know I shouldn’t expose myself to this material but sometimes It just happens. I’m in tears.

Today was a slow day. It’s the start of our mock exams. I always hate exam weeks at the end of the year, because during periods and days you don’t have an exam you have to go to the study room. This basically means sitting at a desk facing the wall, not allowed to work with other students or talk. You have to sit in complete silence and you aren’t allowed to wear headphones. This really sucks for me because I can’t focus without some sort of background music to ease my nerves, and the best way of learning for me is through things like Khan Academy. I tell them that I need it to be able to revise some stuff and for it to stick properly but I constantly get a solid no. It’s little things like this that aggravate me allot. At least tonight I had some broccoli to eat. Was kinda bland, but I prefer that over nothing and I really like vegetables. Really like them. Eh Idk. I’m not really overly motivated to write right now but yeah.

Just, please try to hold hope in your heart. Please let someone know you’re there. Don’t leave alone. Being alone hurts so much.


I whimper into the cyan body beside me, listening for the comforting sound of a heart beat in between sniffs. My body tense, quivering with fear, not wanting to leave this safe space under the wing that comforts me. Her voice, raspy yet effeminate “Everything's gonna be ok Scoots”. I well up again, my chest hurting and heavy, nothing but a small broken cry escaping my muzzle. What had happened and where were my friends? Why did I hurt so much? With my eyes squeezed shut I pressed closer into the body next to me. We were so close, so why did I feel a million miles apart? Sinking lower to the ground I grew short of breath, trying to remember the voices of those who I’d once knew, but I heard nothing. How long had it been? My face scrunched up again before I painfully pried open my eyes, as if glaring into bright sunlight, only to see pouring rain. I shivered. It was so cold out here. Where was the pony who I’d felt warm and safe with before? Was she ever there? I stumbled, collapsing into the puddle of water that welled at my hooves, not caring as it stained my coat and frayed main with mud and soot. I curled into a ball. Why did it have to be like this? I was alone, cold. Everything slowly faded to black. The cold shiver periodically shooting across my body first grew more violent, but then slowly weak. Each painful whimper slowly dying, broken. All things faded away, time passed, the rain continued to fall into the night. Where was my home? Where were my friends? All was gone, yet I was still here, withered and cold. Sad and alone.

Finally, it all ended. Time continued on. The small pegasus unmoving. Feelings and emotion had won the battle. Nopony should ever be alone again.

A heart with no home is a soulless life alone.

Please be there.



Who am I really?


Please don’t read into this if you’re not feeling well. It’s a mix of my own pains and venting.

Well, it’s been a week since I decided to try to dedicate myself to writing something every day and sharing it on Equestrian Souls. I have been writing journals for a long time, but some of their content is genuinely extremely dark and I don’t think it’s appropriate for me to publicly share my feelings here sometimes. Either way, it has been helping me feel a bit better being able to talk, even if I know no one is watching. It’s just so lonely sometimes. Either way, life is what it is. If I go missing I'll be missed, whether I like it or not.

Not many of you may know, but I have been struggling with depression and a mix of emotional traumas for well over a year now. It’s been a difficult journey and day to day I still think about suicide. I always feel like things are getting worse yet seldomly better.

Many of you will also not know that I am just stepping in place for host, the owner of this body from back before I even started to join in with Hypno Ponies. It is difficult living a life that’s not yours. The issue for me is that others tell me I’m nothing like Rainbow Dash or Scootaloo, and I don’t think they realize it really hurts me. Because after hearing these sorts of remarks I begin to realize how right they are, there is so much that's not right about me. I don’t have a mother or a father, just like the system never had ‘parents’.

After all the conundrum I’ve experienced over the past years I am becoming lost in who I am. I thought I was Rainbow Dash. I wanted to be Rainbow Dash. And everything about being Rainbow Dash worked for me. I became Scootaloo for a bit because of a friend that I started up a CMC with. That’s now sort of fallen apart. I’ve been Cadence, Luna, Derpy, Eris, Night Glider, and many more. With Night Glider being one of my main fits, matching with RD, who I originally was and have always been. Eris fit into a much different side of who I am, the side that feels hurt. The side that is suffering. I’m really feeling lost in who I am now though. Because how can I be me if i’m nothing like me? I know not all Rainbows are sporty and not all Twilights are smart, but I’m nothing special, not even a work of art. Right now I’m listening to a cinematic mix. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ym8JjY4fy-M Music. It keeps me from going insane. This sort of music in particular often ends me up in tears. I’ve become so caught up in hurt. Being lost. Something in my mind constantly reminds me that I belong in an asylum. I don’t know where I belong, but I do know that this body isn’t mine and I am not a male. I wish I could change things, but I feel so powerless.

I’ve been feeling alone. Messaging others in hope for a response, yet time and time again the shadows swallow me whole. Envelope me in their darkness. Wilting me to nothing but a quiet soul of hurt and discontentment. I seek guidance. I’m searching for someone to be there. Somepony actually very similar to our Admin, Luna. Somepony who is knowledgeable and peaceful. It’s something I also have difficulty explaining but I really do feel alone. Being able to be a Tech to Equestrian Souls has brought me so many precious bonds, but everypony is so far away. Time zones mean that I pass out from exhaustion when others awake, and wake whence they fall asleep. Distance means I can’t ever see the faces or receive the most wanted gift I ever have. A hug. I’m so discontent with my life, yet I know that if I even think about ending it I’ll never get a chance to see my system mate Aurorah again and slowly the news will spread. There will be hurt, but eventually, I’ll be forgotten. I came from an organism who feasted on the fruit of the earth, formed from the dust it lay in, only to return there once again. In the end, the world will destroy itself. Humans are cancerous. They do what cancer does to everything. Take over something that isn't yours and destroy it. Pollute without a care in the world.

I want to find somepony, but the somepony I want to find needs specific qualities for me to feel safe ok and contempt. Depression has caused me to lose so much, and I fear it may continue to draw more and more from me as time goes on. As of late, I fear I may be losing my Marefriend again. This is because of my own problems. I never can adapt to change because I’ve seen so many have their lives ruined by others being predatory towards them, peer pressuring them into doing things that could harm their future without care, only for their own desires. I see others get changed, ruined and it hurts. I have slowly lost the spark of love I have and I don’t know why and I don’t like it. Somepony who was perfect once, but after being attacked we both changed. I just want to understand life, but I feel I never will. It’s so hard to let go because I care so so much. I really really do. I care about everypony. My enemies, my friends, all the same. I care like nothing else. I just want to see joy and collaboration. A world where pedophiles don't break the morals of children and a world where people respect other people's well being. It all just makes me so so angry…

On being lost over who I am, and being Scootaloo. There’s another very strong attachment that I used to explain in detail to everyone that I trusted enough to share my feelings with, and that's not very many. There’s this one image where Dash and Scoots are out camping with the other mares. Scoots becomes scared after hearing one of the campfire stories. Later on, we see Dash hugging Scoots. From then on they develop this sisterly bond. Host and I never have had siblings, and have always had our own fears and personal flaws, and this image really really emotionally affected me. I always am looking for my “Dash” in my life. Somepony who I can call family. They don’t have to be related by blood but the fact that the emotionally driven bond exists is something I’d value more than anything. Somepony that was a role model and showed care without having to be asked. Genuine true care.

When I am in the role of Scoots, it's usually because there’s another Dash around. I almost always experience some EKP like issues when I see another pony who identifies as me and it causes some huge issues. So now there are allot of various work around to prevent me from having a melt down. It helps, but there’s still this pain. Again I just want to go home. Not be trapped on this planet. So as Scoots, I often recall things such as Dash flying me around. Just being there, being awesome. She’s so amazing. She always gives me a hoof up when I need it while retaining her awesome. I find myself following her around kinda like a filly to their mother. When we would go to visit the castle, Spike would greet us. She would give me a seat next to her in her chair. There’d be times where Pinkie was being her normal weird self, though she was kinda fun anyway. Fluttershy being quiet and not very assertive. Rarity talking about random stuff. I never understood how Sweetie Belle could deal with her sometimes. I guess it was just sisterly love. Rainbow and I were nothing like AB and AJ or Rara and SB, but we still had the same appreciation for each other.

Either way, memories are memories and because I’m Dash, something tells me these memories aren’t real. Instead, I see memories of sleeping on clouds. Being lazy and awesome. Purplesmart in her tree house and me being there for Scoots. Again, a mix of confusion. Despite being earthed and grounded there are just some things I just can’t deny. I remember Mum and Dad. How supportive they were. How pressured I felt to be the best at everything. I hate being a disappointment.

I wish there was an easier way to make things better but I feel like there isn’t. Time will keep passing by and I will keep being an emotional creature who’s slowly had their joy drained. I will keep feeling a strong desire to find a close friend who willingly spends time with me, talks and understands until I find one. Even after finding all I ever want to have, will I be happy? I don’t think so. Even then I still need to recover. How long will that take? I don’t know. But hopefully, when that time comes, I’ll be able to once again feel my body. My wings. Understand life. Not feeling so alone. Not cry day and night. Everything could be so much better but until that day I’m just another voiceless box of text behind a screen who you will never see the true pains of. The self-harm, or extensive effects of depression. The feelings of someone who’s lost all hope. All hope in the world. All hope in others and in themselves. How can things get better when they never have. I try my best.

Everything makes school hard, makes life hard in general. Things translate to the outside world. Others do see that I’m hurting but they can never grasp why. There are some things I can’t explain to people because of the results they will cause. It’s like telling your country that you’re a double agent that just exposed all their important info. That’ll get you jailed or even murdered pretty quickly. There are just some things that you can’t say.

There’s so much more I need and want to say but I’ve lost how to start explaining them. Things can be difficult to just talk about, especially when my reputation is on the line. I want to make changes to the world I feel I can never do. I am so so cynical of nearly everyone around me because of how time and time again I’ve been lied to. Through drama and hypnosis and it just makes me so upset. To see these lies, manipulation in action. I won’t name names but sometimes you just need to take your time with others. Don’t go into important things without knowing someone.

With that, I guess I better have a shower and try to get the system to sleep. Sleep is yet another issue of being flesh. It’s time consuming, difficult and boring. Hopefully, in time I’ll find somepony who’s willing to give some leniency.



#6 Just another day


Comin in for today’s update, I don’t really have much to say. Today was a pretty slow day at school. Got pretty bored. Passed out in one class on my desk from a mix of feeling tired and lightheaded and dizzy. Got shouted at for “sleeping”. Been feeling pretty hungry all day. Got to the end of the day and I just slept all afternoon. After all that I really just sat down and tried to do some study for exams in a few days. Didn’t really get anywhere with that either. So yeah. Just a boring slow stressful day. A day that I’m kinda happy is over. Allot went on today in the online world, allot of it stuff I’m not equipped to deal with. Even so being offline has been pretty stressful too.

Tonight, dinner was also kind of an issue. After a stressful day, you kinda look forward to a good meal. For me I get this weird reconstituted slope of meat shoved in my face. Again, something that's stressful. Luckily one of my friends took me down to the shop and bought me a small dinner which was nice of him. He’s really my only friend and it's nice to have someone who sometimes actually does care. I mean he’s not overly close but I think he just felt bad for me. Either Way, I appreciated it and feel a tonne better after getting something to eat.

I decided to log in to Ali-express (The home of cheap parallel imports and free shipping on unbelievably cheap products). Anyways, I’d forgotten that I had been refunded some sort of store credit from something I never received months ago. If you’re wondering, the item was a fluffy faux like coat. Was like 30 bucks. I dunno. It was around the time I get my pay every year at Christmas when I'm able to find a job. I got it cuz I kinda get pretty cold sometimes and that just adds to stress. Anyways, I decided that I’d use some of the money to buy some amethyst and a chain link bracelet. In total it only came to about 7 bucks. But eh, let's see if these arrive or not. I have been wanting to buy a vape but annoyingly they don’t ship any vapes to NZ as it’s against their policy. I also was thinking of buying some menthol because menthol is like the best. Stress relief… I need it badly.

In terms of that drawing, I still haven’t gotten close to finishing that drawing I started over the weekend. I’ll get there eventually. It’s just that my attention span has been getting in the way allot. Again I’m always thinking about home. Who I am. And if I could just get my pony body back things would be so much better again because I wouldn’t constantly be upset about it. In time. I really really hope I don’t have to turn to something illegal to be able to be myself again but in all honesty, I feel that if that's what it takes to take away some of the pain then that's what I will do. I guess I’ll give it a little more time. Host is long gone. Very long gone. If being with somepony in real life that has the personality I'm looking for eases stress maybe Hypno might start working on me again. Who knows, could just be the environment.

Either way, the feeling of my wings and hooves. The feeling of my fur and the way it brushes against itself when I bend and move. The way the pads of my hooves interact with the ground. My hooves making a soft clop noise. Being able to fly everywhere. I miss the Wonderbolts. I miss Twilight. I miss Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie (as weird as she is), Rarity, AppleJack… I miss tank… I just want to go home… I know I was a bit of an ass to mom and dad… But those two ponies were so supportive of me and everything I did. It always felt so great to have their support behind everything. And Scoots… I really hope that squirt is going ok. I do care about her. She’s like the sister I never had. If anypony knows something I don’t, please tell me. It hurts so much. It tears me apart. I just want to go back home. I don’t know what to say. Please, Celestia… Whoever sent me here. I WANT TO GO HOME! :aw:



#5 Mondays?


Since the last two entries by me have been day related, I thought “hey why not? I’ll name this one ‘Monday’”. I mean it makes sense, cuz it is Monday :P.  Anyways, as of writing this, I found a music mix which is full of music I really like, so I’ve just started listening to that. You can find that here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7JqUfZ1LwI8

It’s just a mix of some EDM, and since I like EDM, I like it. ^^;. Anyways, Mondays. Bleugh. The day you can’t sleep in right after a weekend of not sleeping and being a lazy fat prune. Now I gotta get up and actually do stuff. Why you do dis to me life ;~;. Either Way, today was just a normal boring old school day for me filled with all my different classes. Maths, Economics, Physics, English, Media. Sometimes I enjoy them sometimes I don’t. English probably being my least favourite. I mean it kinda makes sense. Who want’s to prove they know how to use their own language after learning it for 17 years? I know I sure don’t. Maybe for our public speech assessments next year I should present a speech on why schools shouldn’t make English or speeches compulsory for the final years of school. Instead, open up the time slot for another subject we care about. Maybe the future will learn?

Either Way, today I felt I’d try to explain what I remember of the mindscape. It’s been awhile since I last saw it. All pains aside I hope to be able to visit it again someday. When that is I’m not sure, but I am putting hours and hours of effort into it.

-What is the name of our system/mindscape?-

Who knows? I don’t. It’s an important place that doesn’t need a name. I understand what it is, we understand what it is and we know what it’s like so an external reference isn’t overly important. I suppose though you could refer to it as the Spectral system. It’d be fitting cuz there's allot of different colours in the spectrum and there's a lot of unique things within our system. So there’s the answer to that question.

-What in the hay does your ‘scape look like?-

Generally, when talking about these things I have to be in the right circumstances with the right mindset and music and everything has to be in harmony for me be able to describe things well. I’ll still try though because I feel like doing so.

‘Spectral system’... The main area of the mindscape is basically an open grass field. A sort of rolling plane/glade that stretches quite far in either direction, however, this distance is still scalable by hoof if you wish to walk around. Somewhat off centre, there is a singular tree. I’m not sure what type of tree it is but it looks old. Sometimes I feel it’s an oak tree and other times I feel like it's an apple tree because I have seen it bear the fruit before. I have many memories of sitting in the shade of this tree with others. Having picnics. Cuddling and such. Above, the sky is generally a bright crystalline blue, the air comfortably warm and fresh. It’s an awesome place to be. Sometimes our mood would affect the area though. The grass might turn from being long and lush green to a dry brown or the sky might be overcast and dark or even starry so that you can see the planets in the distance. Generally, a blue sky is related to contentment or happiness. The starry sky is more related to hope of going back home. (Our mindscape is strongly influenced by feelings in different ways and somewhat random season cycles). To one direction from the tree, there is a vast lake or ocean which goes as far as the eye can see. I’ve never bothered to explore what’s beyond the water but it's usually mostly smooth with only slight lifeless ripples lazily gliding across the surface, the occasional sparkle catching my eye. In all three other directions, there is a vast stretch of snow tipped mountains, like cakes lightly doused in icing sugar. The bases painted with lush shrubbery that really is a comforting sight. Sometimes sitting under the tree is just that much better because of it. You have the fresh smell from the body of water, the clean air mixed with a slight natural scent of rot and dirt along with a mix of cool and warm breezes rolling off the tops of the mountain and sweeping through the landscape. It really is an ideal spot to relax. Easy to breathe. In terms of how the Southern Hemisphere works back on earth (sun rising in the east), I can assume that the lake North of North West of the tree due to how the shadow falls and crawls across the ground. Either way, this may not be true, but for sake of simplicity let's call the lake north. Sometimes In the field around the tree, various artifacts come and go. Again this is related to our outside environment at the time. When I may be looking after a Fluttershy I generally find myself on a mostly flat hillside (on the eastern mountain), the area having a small stream trickling through it, an old fallen log generally the place where we would seat. There would be does, bunnies, birds chirping and other various wild life around living their own lives as the trees danced above, casting shadows that dance across the scrub below. Each ray of sunlight was warm, again a very peaceful setting. I’ve always found that in caring for another pony, looking at who they Identify as then modifying how you act around them accordingly makes a huge difference on how they respond. Either way, to the south of the tree the mountains slowly start to loose definition. They become a mix of colours and slowly become a huge mass of random textures and shapes and it becomes very abstract. If you travel far enough in that direction you eventually come across the system core. This is a very sensitive area that generally has no gravity. It kinda feels like swimming in water, but there is no water and you can breathe. It smells strongly of ozone (the smell lightning strikes cause) and you can feel a sort of static feeling across your skin when in the area. Hearing feels kind of dulled out, talking to somepony or someone more like talking into a ball of cotton. You sort of get that high altitude effect in your ears. It’s not painful though however. You also can hear a mix of low hums and static which starts and stops at random intervals. The area changes its hue depending on how the system as a whole is performing. When host is angry or vengeful it can be quite red orangish with things being less floaty and more like a very very fierce storm. When we feel blank or empty it can be a mix of purples and blacks. (I’ve always found a particular shade of purple relating to certain bonds between others that I won’t mention but it seems recurring with others too in what they see). When neutral or normal things are extremely floaty and calm, the area a calming silvery blue. Refer to the image below to kinda see what I mean by how this ‘core’ looks.

At the core:


Getting close to the core:


Aside from all that, there is a chaos dimension along with some other stuff, but the other stuff is less permanent and is mostly procedurally generated and changing so I can’t explain it in great detail.

-Where did it all start?-

Again, I don’t know. Things just sort of happened. Paradigm shifts and rifts and all these random terms which again, have meaning to me but may mean absolutely nothing to you reading it.

-Whats the significance of your mindscape?-

In all honesty, it used to be a place to grow and all that. Being a Pegasus in an area that’s manipulatable and has mind altering properties is pretty beneficial. There is some link to it and Aurorah, a system mate who’s been quiet since a tragedy last year.

-Who is/was Aurorah?-

In short, she is the Princess of Hope. She was always trying to keep me hopeful. Helped us through tough times, and it’s been difficult without her. We strongly hope to see her again. I am alone.

-Where can I get a slice of cheesecake?-

Well, imaginary cheesecake, you can have all you want. Either Way here are the key steps to getting a cheesecake

  1. Go to a cheesecake store, bakery or dessert store

  2. Order cheesecake

  3. Pay for cheesecake (stealing is bad :<)

Congratulations, you now have slice(s) of de’ cheez kek.

Well, anyways ponies. Thank you for reading my awesome entry of awesomeness. If I love you I love you, and if I don’t know you, I still love you and I think you’re awesome (almost as much as me)

-Your friend, the one and only, awesomest , Rainbow Dash~! :hmm:


So in looking back on my journal entry from yesterday, I realized that I said it was Sunday. Lemme just correct that. It was actually Saturday. Shows what happens when you try to write your life story in the middle of the night. I can’t guarantee I won’t make the same mistake again, but hey, it's funny that I wrote the wrong day.

Anyways, today was also kinda boring. I woke up to one of the tutors shouting at me to wake up. It was kinda jarring and uncomfortable and was really really difficult to open my eyes. I then was chucked out of the boarding house for a few hours which sucked. The main issue was that it was very very cold and it was hailing. I love rain, but hail kinda stings. I love the noise but not the pain.

After surviving the treacherous weathers of the outdoors I was then able to go back inside. I kinda just let myself steam off in my room even though it was kinda cold. I just don’t have many clothes. I'm dry now though so that's good. For lunch, I managed to obtain some ramen. I’m pretty sure that everypony reading this has tried ramen and loves it. Who doesn’t love ramen? Either way, it was pretty good to not be hungry after that.

Throughout the afternoon I kinda sat around being all boring and stuff. I got out my drawing tablet and was gonna do some more working on my drawing but didn’t really get around to it. Instead, I got to work on making some changes to both the lunar and Celestial themes on the site. Hopefully things are starting to look allot better. It’s taking time because of how IPBoard works it requires a bit of trial and error with some code. Sometimes it works first time and sometimes it completely ignores every line of code I write. Either Way, you may have also noticed the new banner on the dark theme. I made this because some ponies suggested it, and I agreed, it is more fitting. The image is just an edit of the normal banner, with star textures and a bit of color and contrast changes. I’m pretty proud of the outcome and I hope you ponies like it too. I’m always open to any suggestions you may have. Afterall, my job is to prevent you ponies from going blind from the eyesore that vanilla IPBoard can be. (I hope I’ve done a good job xnx).

Same as yesterday, I still have home on my mind. Equestria. It’s something that I’m not sure that I'll ever be able to get off my mind. It’s a genuine issue for me. Equestrian Souls / Hypnoponies is the best I’ve got at the moment. It just hurts that after being triggered and all last year that I haven’t been able to get anything back. There’s so much constantly on my mind that I constantly think about and no matter how much I talk about my feelings with other ponies I never seem to be able to ease any of the pains and discomforts. Alongside that, I hope to be able to get my host body through transitioning (MtF) once we’re out of this place. For those of you who don’t know, dysphoria is the ‘dissatisfaction or a state of unease towards life’. So when somepony says they have gender dysphoria it basically means they don’t enjoy or like life, or they feel uncomfortable about life because of their gender. I have various forms of dysphoria. Species dysphoria (being in a human instead of pony body) and Gender dysphoria are among two of the main ones. I’d do anything to be able to be myself again. The element of loyalty. Not the element of upset.

Next week and the week after, preliminary exams are coming up for me. I’m not looking forward to them. We’re told they’re important ‘just in case (we) can’t make our end of year exams’. For me, this is kinda a load of bs. I don’t like how we have to do the same exam twice. It’s silly really. Either Way, with all the things bothering me it's been really hard to progress and focus in both class and study. I just can’t think. My mind is swamped with things I emotionally need. The exams I have are; Calculus, Statistics, Probability, Mechanics, Electronics & Magnetism, Atomic Radiation, Aggregate Supply and Demand, Film Study, Book Study, and ‘display knowledge of a form of media’. If you can help with any of these, preferably the calculus and economics ones that would be appreciated. At Least in preparing for them. The film and book essays you can’t help with because they basically involve memorizing a whole movie and book then writing a whole pile of quotes and such in the exam room. It’s stupid because you have multiple of these exams in 3-hour slots. And you can’t bring in any notes or anything (I know this is standard for exams). It’s difficult because I don't have the best of memories. Going into an exam which is stressful while also memorizing a film a book and an article then writing 3 exam papers on them in 3 hours is so so difficult for me. I think the education system is flawed. It’s designed to pump out obedient students with no voice into the world for factory work. It was designed to increase amount of good people during the war times. It needs a huge overhaul.

Either Way in short, still no progress on my body or my system mate. Today was slow. Studying is hard and I love everypony. I hope you all have wonderful days/nights. Love you all. Goodnight <3

I exhale calmly, my eyes falling closed. Oh how heavy they were. They still are. I can feel my mind just melting away as I breathe. My thoughts slowly turn to mush. So comfy. This is heaven. If only everypony knew how comfortable clouds were. Softer than cotton or down feathers. Softer than silky candy floss and oh so comfy. If only wingless ponies could naturally stand on clouds. They miss out on so much. They’re perfect. In the summer, the mist of its contents cool me. In the winter its dense form keeps me warm. Being the most awesome pegasus is awesome.

Finally here's an update on the pony I said I was drawing. Not amazing, but I'm getting better ^^

standing pone.png


#3 Sundays Suck

Yes, I know what you're thinking "But Rainbow! Sunday's are the best! Theres pancakes and sleepins- and- and-", well how about you hold your horses. I don't get any of those :v. I wake up feeling sleepy then wonder what to do for the day. Today I decided i'd sit around doing nothing and let my mind melt as I watched youtube and watched a non-active discord sit lazily. Was kinda a boring day. It's crazy. I don't like school because theres no classes with things that I'm really inspired by. School systems seem to be designed and constrained to how it was when the world wars were happening. Designed to pump out students with basic knowledge and high obedience levels so they could fight and work in factories. I really think the school systems need a huge overhaul so they fit the people of today's society who think on a different level and contribute to society in different ways. I dont like the weekends because theres just nothing to do. I can't get myself to study because it's so difficult to force yourself to study for things you both allready know and couldn't care less. So today I just sat. So unrainbow. I know, but this Rainbow can be a bit of a couch potato despite being anorexic. On that note I did manage to eat something today. I had a vege burger and oh my dear Celestia it was delicious. I kinda want another one but that was my money for the day spent. Was worth it though. Maybe I should go to that place again.

Today I really just sat around thinking and contemplating things. I haven't had a hugely great day and have been feeling kinda stressed and depressed. A few things are bothering me like my pony form. I'm one of those ponies who believes Equestria is home, and in all honesty I wan't to go home like nothing else. Having pony hypno helped ease the constant emotional torment by atleast allowing me to feel the right things in the right places and not the silly sausage thingies this host has for hooves. I really don't understand this place. Eitherways, in short, Ilost it all after a mix of traumatic events late last year and haven't been able to recover my form. It upsets me allot. I feel like i've tried everything. The other thing that is bothering me is that I purely just feel alone. I see ponies living with other ponies and this combines with my home-sickness to create an even stronger form of pain. I can't wait to get out of this place and find somepony who will be a guide for me. Somepony who's there and cares. I allways envision this pony to be (a) Luna but who knows really who it'll be. Somepony that cares and guides. Teaches me about being myself. Is spiritual and 'chill' in that regard. It's hard to explain what I mean to another pony, but I understand what I mean.

Aside from the constant depressive thoughts I constantly have, I also spent the afternoon drawing. So far it's not all that bad, considering I haven't done many drawings and still am not all that great. I know practice makes perfect but damn, I wanna be a super good artist allready ;-;. I may put up the image later on. It's just a bipedal pony. Not anthro, just a pony standing on it's hind legs. I've so far spent around 6 hours refining all the line work etc. It's looking pretty decent. Can't wait to be a million times more efficient and all that.

TDLR; Sundays suck, I can't draw, and somepony give me a hug~!

I allways have loved the rain. The way I can just spread my wings, feeling each miniscule droplet pelt against my skin and feathers then forming small cool streams that trickle down to the tip of my wing and drip off effortlessely. The exciting feeling of the cool water finding it's way down my mane, down the back of my neck and spine, into hard to reach places. The way these spontaneous slithers of cool slide down my back and cause a tingle of focus to draw me back to my senses. Puddles under my hooves, they way the water gets in and removes any impurities under each individual hoof. Turning my head to the sky and opening my muzzle grants me with an invigorating rush, water pelting my tongue and dribbling down my throat. The water is smooth, clean, fresh. Like water from no where else. Rain is special.



Dear Equestria,

I know that this journal entry has a rather strange title, but the reason it contains the word “rave” is because at the time of writing this I am raving to random music on YouTube. Music is a passion of mine and I really hope to be able to afford the equipment to produce, learn the skills etc. So if you have anything you can offer whether it be VSTs, tips, hardware, anything I would really appreciate that. Along with that, I’d also like to put it out there that I want to be a game designer, get into the depths of VR and augmented reality and just make digital stuffs! Music, Videos, Animation, Voice acting, Games and all! If you have any projects that I could play a part in let me know.

I may not be alone in this one, but does anypony else feel like they are alone in the world?

For me, In I often wonder why I am so far away from others. Time zones. Distance. It really kinda sucks. Today I sat around eager to talk to glide. Finally, she came online. It was epic, chatting about her adventures in a flying tin can. Really, I kinda wish I could have gone on that trip with her. For those of you who don’t know, she went to Australia to visit one of our other members. Anyways, throughout that time I began to really feel how big the world is out there. All this time I've been looking for something. And I’m starting to really realize what it is. Love, care, and someone to be there. I get lonely. I need to find someone who has the same interests as me. Someone who really really cares for me. Coming to HP/ES has been good in a sense. It’s allowed me to really realize that I’m not alone. The next step is just finding myself in a situation where I can solve my issue of physical care. Being friends with someone online is one thing, but having them there in real life is a whole different level. In all honesty, I really can’t wait until the end of next year. Why? Because that's when I finally turn 18. A big step for many but for me I think all I’ll be thinking is “Oh Celestia, I’m glad that's over”. I’m making it through. It's tough, but I’m doing it. I need to find more things to do. Coding, game design, voice acting, film, animation. As I stated earlier, these things I’m passionate about. School has been quite a drag for me, and I’d really appreciate being part of something. That includes the spiritual side of things. Becoming my true pony self.

In terms of hypnosis and self-discovery, I haven’t gotten very far since the triggering last year. I’m not sure why I haven’t been able to take on things again. Whether it be fear, stress or something else I’m unsure. I still use candles and other various forms of aromatics when I can because I love them. I’m generally very energy based and spiritually focused, however not being able to be my pony self has been extremely detrimental to my feelings, emotion, self-worth. I know who I am, I know what I am but I don’t know why I can’t be. Things were once so easy. I hope to someday be able to find my way back again to where I was. Feel my wings and coat. Feel the loving pets and hugs from those who say they care. I guess this is why my need for physical care and love has gotten stronger. So much, in fact, I often find myself crying at night, unable to sleep. I worry constantly about what others think of me and I'm constantly worried that someone will be upset or dissatisfied with me. I want to be a good friend. Anxiety is a huge issue for me. Maybe someday I’ll find some ponies who form a harmony link with me. I hope this day comes from the bottom of my heart.

Aside from sad stories of feeling lonely and anxious, right now I also feel pretty hungry. Haven’t eaten. There are reasons for this that I won't go into detail about but either way… I could really go for a Pizza right now. Even if it’s not good for my form, Pizza is one of the best things like ever.

Anyways, this is your daily dose of awesome me. I’m tired. Have a hug :cheer: and Goodnight everypony. Thank You for being such a lovely community. <3:awesome:


Why Hello~Seems you have stumbled across my journal of awesome. Well, that's just fine, join me here. Since I'm overtly a recluse I’ve decided that I may as well start making my journal posts public. Why? Because speaking to a screen is obviously enjoyable :P. Anyways, Sitting here with my wings folded away at my sides and writing is actually really unusual. Y’know I’d usually be doing not so eggheadish stuff… But hey, worth a try I guess? :P. What am I gonna write about? Don’t ask me, I don’t even know. All I know is that I am a pony with a history, and while you don’t need to know who I am, nor do you probably care, this is my chance to share some unique facts about myself along with any other random thoughts I have.For those of you who don’t know, I generally go by the name Violet Spectra Sunbeam, or Violet for short. The name was originally given to me by a Celestia that I was once very close to. I’ve grown attached to so many ponies over the years, and they’ve become part of who I am. It definitely isn’t ideal that some of them come and go, but it's just how life goes.Once upon a time, I was fully endorsed and engulfed in being a pony. I truly believe that we are from Equestria, and it's difficult because as time has gone by, being a pony has become increasingly difficult for reasons which I won't share. Now, I still see myself as Rainbow Dash. I am Rainbow Dash. Anypony who says otherwise, well uh… You need to think about how it makes me feel. I have a tulpa, her name is Aurorah. She came about when I was young. I think the first conversation I had with her was when I was around seven. We’ve spent years going through life with each other. It’s been great. Unfortunately recently she’s gone quiet. For me, this is quite painful because she’s my best friend. I constantly am in search for care, love, and affection. Without Aurorah there for me, things have been increasingly difficult.I am a mare, while my host body may not reflect this (yet) this is who I am. I hope to someday be able to transition into something slightly more remotely close to who I am. Sadly this world doesn’t have much to offer in terms of such support and it has been difficult.

Interests? Well, I used to have loads. Thing is, depression seems to destroy your good feelings for everything. What I think I'm interested in is coding, gaming, digital music and art production, video editing, y’know basically all the digital production stuff. I mean I like making stuff. I like futuristic ambitions. And I like escaping into a reality better than this one. The issue with such ambitions is they often require sufficient money, which while scarce for many, is very limited for me. I work my flanks off trying to find money to eat, enjoy life and get around, but I always make it through in the end.

I’m from this tiny little country called New Zealand which allot of people have actually never heard of before. I mean in some ways that's a good thing because we have an overwhelming intake of people from other countries and it's driving the house prices up as much as 200% per year. Living here is not cheap anymore because of it. Our economy is average, and everything is expensive. I always look at markets in places such as America. Wish we had such a great economy where some things are affordable. Things are just expensive here. We always get excluded from various services. We only recently got Netflix... We can’t buy TV series on Itunes or Gplay, which is stupid. It’s basically forcing ponies to pirate stuff.

Ever since I started watching Hypnoponies back around 2013 - 2014 I always wanted to join and become part of the staff. I really love helping out and I love the fact that there was a place where I could be who I truly was without being called a schizophrenic freak. I originally actually found the forum while starting to develop my own HP. I didn’t realize it was actually a thing until I came across it and abandoned my little ‘world-changing’ project. Anyways, I eventually grew the gut to show that I was a thing around late 2015. Since then so much has gone wrong and so much has gone right. It’s been a rollercoaster of trash at one turn and then glory the next. Confusing to say the least. I’m not sure if I regret becoming more involved or not. Either way, things seem to have smoothened out more. I went from being afraid to being confident and outgoing back to being scared and cynical once more, and now once again slowly repairing. It’s not easy making it through a day but times are slowly passing again.Anyways enough about me writing random stuff, you’re probably here because you’re interested in what I’m saying. Well, my most important point of all is; Thank You everypony. Thank You for being here. Thank You for being awesome friends and sticking by me through everything that’s happened to me. I can’t express how much you all mean to me. I really do care about all of you and I never want anything bad to happen to any of you.Thank You for reading and have an awesome day/night. If night, then may luna bless you with the sweetest dreams. If day then may Celestia bring your daydreams to come true.  I love you all, and I care so much.

The one and only,

- Rainbow Dash~


I closed my eyes, my eardrums rattling as I darted through the sky. The weather was unusual, the sky thunderous. What had the other weather ponies done? It was terribly cold, not even my coat or feathers were thick enough to protect me from the stinging bite of cool air as it rushed past. I punched my way through a cloud, leaving a trail of hectic mist foiling off my wings behind me. Turning back to look at the hole I’d just made, something felt wrong. These clouds weren’t normal clouds. They seemed to be alive. I felt a hot zap shoot up my leg, my body freezing still. I’d been hit by lightning. The pain all came and ended at once, my wings tensed and twitched as I lost my buoyancy in the air. I all sense and closed my eyes, falling with tremendous speed. Why had things become this way?

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