It's been a really looooong time since I've posted and a lot has happened. I feel it's important to post it here.
Let's start with the most recent thing. These past few weeks have been...hard. Not bad, just...hard. The problems I had been having built up to the point where AJ verbally lashed out at one of the mods. I've been justly given a 7 day ban and will sit it out with grace.
This leads into the specific problems at hand. Back when I finally started getting a handle on hypnosis I thought I was done. I thought that while my growth wasn't complete I had managed to bring to find the root causes of my unhappiness. These causes...lack of confidence, lack of self worth, lack of a goal and the belief that I could change, were in the end not enough. Other problems still remained. One of them, the fact that I hate my family, ended up with me in jail. There was a sense that I had an obligation to them, or that I needed them to get by. That has since been shattered. That...intense disgust and hate is still there, because they blatantly took advantage of the legal system to get me removed because legally they couldn't themselves. This hate isn't something that simply vanishes, but the dependency I had on them is broken, and once I get further closure in the form of my punishment being resolved I can begin forgiving them fully.
That said, my new roommate has helped me realize certain faults I have that need to be resolved if I want to continue growing. The biggest of these is taking responsibility. Not just accepting punishment that I deserve but things like getting a job and overall being an adult. I also have trouble with reaching out. A pattern I realized was that most of the friends I made on ES came from others reaching out to me, not the other way around. I need to do that more. Further problems were compounded because I began seeing others as beneath me. Each of us in this server is there because we have problems and need solutions. Some of us are more relaxed over it and that's fine, and even if ES is This is NOT a healthy or fair thing, and it's something that's been around since before I started the RD file. I can't blame that on it, even though it would be very easy to.
This next bit is something I've realized over these past few days and accompanies the "not reaching out" part because it deals with relationships. I fear abandonment. It's a lot easier to trust a person that comes to me rather than the other way around. A person that comes to me for advice or companionship is more likely to stick around and not leave me than if I reached out to them. Moreover, I spent most of my life having to reach out to others and it began to feel like I wasn't welcome, and never felt like I belonged. ES is the first place I feel like I HAVE belonged and so the anxiety of being banned for more than a day, even if that was due to my own shortcomings, is painful. The anxiety over feelings of abandonment or betrayal are there, but I know that in the end I need to take responsibility for my shortcomings.
The last thing I want to say is aimed at two people in particular. I won't name names but I have a feeling that if they do read this then by some miracle they will understand who they are. This isn't meant to be a "calling out" (hence why I want to actively avoid naming names) merely an expression of yet another layer of problems that I need to overcome. The people in question have hurt me in separate ways that I didn't fully accept until today. This person in question CONSTANTLY goes on about the fact that they're on HRT and as the days pass and my desire to be ON HRT grows and my anxiety over my body increases seeing that person constantly brings it up it HURTS. Moreover there have been times closer to when I first became comfortable with being active that I tried to reach out to them in DM but they ignored me. I have a sneaking suspicion I came across in a way that was unintended and so they ignored me because of that, though I could be wrong.
The other person I have a problem with I feel is a lot less intense due to the simple fact that I've had less interaction with them. The incident that lead to my banning came about due to a particularly bad day. Not due to any terrible event, just that my mind was...scattered? I wasn't focusing, had been feeling anxiety straight from the previous day, and had been having slightly poor sleep. These problems bled into AJ being...uncouth. [Now yer just sounding like Rarity]. Ignoring that, I'll use this time the same way I used my mistake with my mother and sister...as a learning tool, a reminder that I have work to do, and as a means to overcome my problems. You've all given me so much, and this happening is a cold splash of water that even more needs to change. Hypnosis has helped me this way, and it'll help me even more.
DFTBA Everypony, and here's hoping I can succeed in not being perma banned in the future!