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Entry 5- Five years..

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Starlight Glimmer

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Hey everypony! Im... roughly two months late to post this 5 year anniversary type post >.<

but yeah! its been... 5 years since I first started pony hypnosis, and its been 5 years since I joined hypnoponies. April 29th 2013. though its also been 5 years since I got into my little pony in the first place :Derp: but yeah! also... just coincidentally this is my 5th entry, i did not do this on purpose i swear

it.. honestly feels like yesterday that I was in grade 8, joining hypnoponies and being pinkie pie. and going through grade 9 and parts of grade 10 as rainbow dash.  I honestly don't know where I would be without pony hypnosis, made a lot of friends, really close friends, and.. lost touch with a lot of friends.. but its been amazing either way. it helped me discover my true self, and discovered a lot about myself.. the main one being, loving to be a mare, and I realized I was transgender. personally, I wish I was still in high school, still going through pony hypnosis, because that was the best time of my life. excluding grade 11, where I went through depression and heck, hypnoponies went through... 3 forums. (actually 4 I think, it was hypnopony.n or something than that was shut down and it was moved to hypnoponies.niceboard) there was the niceboard forum, the .net (I think it was ipboard? not sure, somepony correct me on that) and hypnoponies technically died, but this forum was created in place of hypnoponies and the majority of the community is here, so I would just say its the 3rd (or 4th) forum.

I recently found some old pictures I had when I was a rainbow dash as well. it was pictures of me, and my tulpas at the time, pinkie and derpy, because it was a trend back then to have pictures of tulpas with their host. I.. stopped at pinkie and derpy with profile pictures because I thought there would would be way too much that it would be hard to see what ponies were in the profile picture (since my tulpa count was growing, and I have 12 now). ive always wanted to commission a grand portrait of my tulpas, and their unique looks but I never actually had the money to get it done.

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so many memories of the old hypnoponies. I still remember ponies calling the forum "a home away from home" and our little equestria, where everypony knows everypony, the community now, just from personal feelings seems... more distant. a lot of the old ponies that made hypnoponies fun, or ones that still held on the belief that we are all discovering our trueselves or other self discovery and seeing hypnosis as more spiritual then just hypnosis left. (granted... some came back after equestrian souls was created.. but that was only some, not all) I... personally was considering leaving the community as well... about early last year or late 2016 because the community didn't seem to be the community I loved anymore, but I decided to stay due to friends... after equestrian souls,  the community seemed to rebuild it self a bit and have a new start, but the forums is... dead, not many ponies are recording their experiences in journals anymore and its mostly on discord. sharing experiences there where the chat moves so fast not many can actually read other's experiences if they fell asleep or had to do something for a few hours. at least on the forums you could always come back to a community sharing their experiences for everypony to read, and its not really going anywhere, unless of course, the community was shut down abruptly so you can read pages upon pages of them and comment and just... it felt like it brought the community together, talking about hypnosis, seeing others experiences with hypnosis... I still wish the forums was used more for this, instead of being 99% focused on discord. but... that's just my two cents. I don't know how everypony else feels about it

but... as... all of you know on the discord I have been changing forms. a lot. and like, a lot would actually be an understatement because like every 3-4 days I would change into another pony. I... kind of have an explanation for that.. the reason im changing forms a lot is to see if I had a "connection" with another pony, like I have with starlight. its not that I don't want to be starlight anymore, but I wanted to explore other ponies and to feel what its like to be them, and if I liked being them or they "clicked" with me I.. might stay with them. out of all the ponies I became, six of them stood out to me, and "clicked" with me. those being Starlight Glimmer (obviously), Trixie, rarity, fluttershy, milky way and windy whistles.

I don't know, but there is just something with the other 5 that really connected with me. for Trixie and Milky Way.. I loved how their body felt, with Trixie, I loved her cutie mark, her coat and mane colours and just... everything about her, it made me feel... great and powerful I wonder why that is...  something about Trixie's cutie mark drew me in, like looking at it puts me in some kind of trance or something and I almost... feel memories or just heavy emotion from looking at that cutie mark, and the only other pony I got that experience with is starlight glimmer. so that leaves me... really conflicted, as i naturally don't act like trixie. butwith milky way though, , I still don't know what, but something about her made me feel somewhat happy inside, and it made me feel cute. when I was her.. things felt "normal" windy whistles made me feel extremely happy, like more happy than i thought I would ever feel (sorry for making a scene raine) she stuck with me because.. i havent felt that happy in years and I recently but with rarity and fluttershy, it was different. with fluttershy... almost everypony who talks about me or talks to me about my personality, they instantly jump to fluttershy. I.. am naturally shy.. like painfully shy, I get scared about the smallest things, and of being in a large room in the dark, I love animals, and I have zero confidence in myself because of anxiety... I.. have been for years to try to be more assertive and whatnot.. but sometimes I don't like myself when im assertive, because I noticed that I can become a bit... much. and I act almost the same as rarity, almost... I don't really know anything about fashion but otherwise yeah...

recently in the past few days, I went through a bit of EKP, because of the six ponies that I felt "connected to" I had trouble to find one pony that I wanted to be, well.. I shouldn't really say want to be, more like the pony I was meant to be. the biggest ties that I had to ponies were starlight and Trixie, when I look at their cutie marks, I feel almost the exact same experience, it puts me in some kind of trance, and I feel heavy emotion and almost.. memories from looking at them. but after maybe... 3 or so days I decided to stick with starlight, as I still strongly feel that she is my true self.

 

but enough about all that... I got a job finally! after nearly a year of searching! its nothing too special, im a dishwasher in a restaurant (which was what I was looking for) and getting paid minimum wage, but for now.. money is money *squee* other than that though... things have not been working out for me... like at all. ive been feeling really down, and sometimes feeling suicidal. there has been a lot of things going on with friends, including my irl friends, and relationships and whatnot.. I recently broke up with my bf.. because i felt that for years ive been hurting him, and i dont know what i have done. anytime i ask, he tells that i did nothing wrong and that hes fine, but i could tell that it really wasn't... and with all the bad things going on.. I couldn't deal with that fear anymore, or deal with any relationship anymore because i was just not emotionally stable for any of it... that i decided to break it off. which... i think hurt him more than before, and hurt me... alot more. which always leaves me to think if it was the right decision to just.. break it off like that. but... afterwards... I felt that I shouldn't try to be in anymore relationships with anypony, and that il never be ready because all I do is hurt ponies.. but there has still been a lot of ponies trying to get me to be in a relationship with them, its not that I don't want to... and that i do love them.. like a lot... its that I just.. cant. I don't think I can handle going through another break up, because this makes my 4th break up, and I don't want to go through a 5th... and there are alot of ponies who... want me to be theirs.. but it makes me feel.. stuck. if i say yes to one pony, I hurt a whole bunch, and if i say no to somepony or... everypony, they will get hurt, or they will just try to pressure me into it, saying things like they love me a lot... and it just makes me feel so stuck that I dont know what to do... so I just try to love them like family and not like... romantically. and uh... incest I suppose but... no offence to anypony reading this... I love you all.. I just don't think I can go through another romantic relationship.

 my parents have been abusive still, my mom still yelling at me for things, as always, and my irl friends angry with me and being hurt by me... when I don't even mean to hurt them... (they.. seem to be hurt mostly by misunderstanding.. but I feel like its my fault either way) and its not just a fear that i have, granted, it is a strong fear that i have that I hurt my friends without trying to.. but my friends straight up told me that i was hurting them. (it really all started with this one time where my mom tried to get me to do tax fraud, and I freaked out and told my friends about it and told them what I was paranoid about.. they gave me advice and when I calmed down I thought on what they said and though that it was too... rash of a decision so I didn't act on it.. and friends getting mad that I don't take their advice when they are trying to help, and that im ignoring them..) 

an example with hurting my friends without meaning to or trying would be, I went to hang out with one of my friends and when she was about to leave, I hugged her... just a friendly hug, because I love giving and receiving hugs.. but I completely forgot that she did not like physical contact. so she went to one of my friends to talk to her about it, and that friend went to tell me. I felt so bad that I wasn't thinking about what I was doing when I did it, buti went to give an apology because I completely forgot, and she told me in the past she did not like physical contact.. she.. got mad and hurt that I was apologizing, and got angry at my other friend because they told me about what she was feeling about the hug.. and then that friend getting angry at me... just drama but... it hurts me a lot more to know that im just constantly messing up and hurting them, when I don't mean to, or even try  to really. it started with a hug, and ended with two of my friends being even more upset with me than prior.

I know this might sound silly, that im worrying about problems like this.. but... bottom line, friends are upset with me... well.. everypony is really, and it hurts me to know that ive hurt them, over the smallest problems

just all of this... hurting friends, relationship problems.. me messing up with everything is making feel really suicidal... saying things to myself like " why is life worth living, if i say friendship is what i care about themost, and my friends are the only things keeping me going but im the reason that breaks friendships apart and my friends are better off with me gone" and "ive been told time heals all wounds, but over time the wound just gets bigger to the point its unbearable" and just... feeling really down. that I don't know what to do, and when I do something, or apologize to somepony it honestly... makes things worse... when im given advice and act upon it... it usually makes things worse, and when I don't, it hurts ponies...  making things worse.

I think il be fine... eventually.. but as it stands right now, im nowhere near "fine" :Sad:

 

Writing from under the stars,

-Starlight Glimmer

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