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Entry 6- 2019 huh?

Starlight Glimmer

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Hey everypony! its been awhile since i posted something on here... the last post i made was like in june >.> well uh.. happy new year for everypony, i cant believe its already 2019 >_> gosh... im gonna be 20 this year... 

A lot has happened since i posted last, some good but mostly bad (sorry if i like.. post alot of my life problems in these things. venting my problems in a journal like this kinda seems to help my mood i guess) Well for the good things that happened, the main thing is that finally, after like.. 5 years i got on HRT! <3 im finally on estrogen~ November 7th, 2018 was the happiest day of my life.. when i received my prescription for it~ I got two pills, one testosterone blocker, and the other estrogen, and the size difference of the pills really threw me off, the blockers were these massive things in this big fat bottle almost filled to the top, and the estrogen pills were these... really tiny pills in a tiny skinny bottle not even half way filled. Either way though, im so happy im on HRT now~

I havent been doing much pony hypnosis as of late, i guess the generic unicorn files dont work that well on me because, im not the best at visualizing things and the descriptions in the file are too vague that its hard for me to visualize as.. myself. I'm still hoping a starlight glimmer file will come out in the future, or maybe il commission one but i feel like a character file will be better for me, at least for visualizing my form better. Ive still been getting occasional nightmares about my past, the village and seeing equal signs everywhere... *shudders a little* and i havent really been feeling the most "connected" with equestria lately either, and usually i do feel connected and feel homesick often but that hasnt happened much the past few months, except for maybe last month. (il mention something about that later) i havent really been in a pony form much either, im starting to take on anthro forms of different species it seems. the most recent being an orca and dragon mix. though i came to realize that even if i change forms like, every other week (or day lol) i still feel like in my heart im still starlight glimmer, and i dont think anything can change that. 

 

but uh... about a month or so after i posted my last journal, and how i wasnt feeling the best because i felt like i was hurting everypony and such.. well, things got worse from there. one my really close irl friends, whom calls me her "platonic soulmate" got a girlfriend, and at first i was really happy for her, since she seemed genuinely happy for once, and being my friend's "platonic soulmate" i was  dragged into what was to become one of the worst few months of my life. i dont want to get into to much detail about what happened, but her girlfriend was really manipulative and was lying right under our noses, i picked up on a few of the things she was doing but iwas too scared to tell my friend because i felt like it would ruin something that was making her genuinely happy (now i realize that i should have told her because it was stupid of me not to) her girlfriend was making a whole lot of guilt trip things, which made my friend pretty stressed and angry about alot of things.. and around that time i started to go into this, depression episode, something similar to what i was feeling years ago when i was starlight the pegasus, not being able to feel anything, and i guess projecting my sadness to others or something. iwas feeling this way because alot of my other friends were going through alot of crap, most notably one of them attempting suicide and getting kicked out of her home and being homeless, and my parents being my parents and yelling at me for the smallest things.. but in this group chat i was dragged into which had my friend and her girlfriend in it (and her friend group) i was venting about alot of my problems because i felt like it was a place where i could, since everyone else was venting and being understanding, and when i did vent about problems my "best friend" turned to me and getting really angry and took everything i said personally, making her feel unimportant and how i dont value her as a friend or something similar to that. it made me feel really terrible about myself that i was hurting her, even though i had no intent to. all of this didnt really help my depression that i was feeling, and i just kept feeling "emotionless" and decided it was best to give my friend some space and distance myself from her because i felt like i was the problem and ruining her mood, and all that came out of it was her telling me that im being "demoted" from being her platonic soulmate to best friend and to hand over a "card" what ever the fuck that meant, and then it just got to the point where i was being ignored and felt like being avoided, like i would try talking to her directly and got get any answer, and when i vented about something that didnt involve her or talking about something else that she didnt agree with or whatever, she would notice me and get angry. all this did was just make my depression worse and worse.. that i nearly did some things that my tulpas had to force me to stop. their relationship finally ended when it was revealed that her girlfriend was cheating on her the whole time, and when my friend called me maybe a night or so afterwards i heard her cry for the first time.

*sigh* all i can say is that it was a long two months, and even after it was all done her ex essentially is being an ass by almost like taunting her, because at first her ex was being all sappy, guilt trippy and attention seeking and such, until my friend forgave her.. then she went on into another relationship and sending screenshots of sexts to her like nothing happened. (and admitting she had a threesome a day after they broke up, so you know) i dont know why my friend hasnt blocked them and still talking to them when they have been being more manipulative and guilt trippy months after they broke up, and i can tell that talking to them is making her feel worse than before, but i guess she doesnt realize it... but.. all i can say about it is that it really tested our friendship... that i dont feel like we are best friends anymore, and saying we are friends is kind of pushing it... and throughout this i realized how much my family really cared about how i was feeling, i tried venting to my mom about this and she didnt care at all, while i never said a word to my dad, and he caught onto how i was feeling and was offering an ear and genuinely seemed like he cared. and even after my friend and her ex broke up i was still feeling really depressed, and them breaking up and my friend telling me her feelings and apologizing to me about most of the things that she did kind of relieved some of my stress but not all of it, and i remember about three weeks after they broke up i was just laying in my bed staring at the ceiling where i started thinking about equestria, and everypony there.. then i got a "flush" of emotions of homesickness, i couldnt stop thinking about equestria, about home... and then all my emotions that i havent been feeling in the past few months all hit me at once and i cried for a solid hour...

and after all of that went down, is when i had my apointment to go see a endocrinologist and that is when i got my prescription for my HRT, and it made my week. however the problems, or at least what i felt were problems with my friend dragged on, as now shes being more passive agressive with me, and it feels like she is still avoiding me, and im really not sure what im doing wrong. and last month my mom threated to kick me out of the house and kept hinting throughout the month that i will be kicked out soon, which brought my mood back down, and with more drama happening between friends both online and irl i just havent been able to feel that happy lately, getting my hrt prescription was about it for being really happy.and hearths warming this year, i couldnt get into the hearths warming spirit, and im always in the hearths warming spirit since thats a day where i feel the most connected spiritually or something to equestria, and i mean like a really strong feeling... this year i didnt feel it as strong as i did in the past, or maybe its just my mood that ruined it. i talked to my dad at least about the whole being kicked out thing and he said he wont let my mom kick me out and we disscussed rent that i could pay, but im pretty sure my mom wouldnt care and blame me for "not respecting her and only respecting dad" when it comes to things and kick me out. 

 

2018 has been pretty rough for me, and now that its 2019, and with the drama train never stopping and the possibility that i might be homeless in a few months or something, im not having any high hopes for this year.

and if you tl;dr i dont blame you and sorry

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Writing from under the stars,

-Starlight Glimmer

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I'm happy to hear that you've started HRT! I hope it brings you more confidence and drive.~
I'm sorry that so much happened that was negative. The situation with your friend sounds really hurtful and painful for both of you. If you can, it might be helpful to you to try telling them how all of that has affected you. Offer an opportunity for the two of you to open up to each other, support each other, and not be unkind to each other. It might not go well, but it will show you more about your friendship. If it does go well, then it may strengthen your friendship while giving you both more support, and I believe it is worth any perceived risk. It won't be easy, and probably won't be pleasant, but it could really help.
It's a relief to hear that your father is listening to you, though I'm sorry about how your mother is acting. I don't know if she is fearful for you and thinks what she is saying is right, or if she is being hurtful for some other reason. A supportive parent can be the best thing for a struggling person, and a negative parent can be the worst.
Remember that you can always DM me on Discord if you want somepony to talk to. I'm not always online, and will be less available during the semester, but I won't ever ignore you. I really enjoyed being able to meet you when I was at the research symposium. I hope you and everypony else will have a wonderful, supportive, and healthy 2019.~

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