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How To Truly Become Your Pony Self

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shiron222

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It’s been almost 2 years since I joined and 6 months since I left the Equestrian Souls Discord. A lot has happened, some bad most good. I have a feeling that this journal will go unnoticed, or that people will read it and ignore it. Even so, this entry started nagging me, and who I am to ignore the inspiration to write?

 

The problem I’ve had with this community for a long time is specifically they promote an unhealthy sense of helplessness in those of us who want to become ponies. They offer the files and give caveats but rather than offering guidance to people struggling, they just leave them out to dry. This community, in the time I was a member, offered no insight as to what needs to be done for us to become our pony selves. We’re all grasping for anything we can grip to, meaning and focus and an answer to the question “Who am I.” I learned more from my therapist than I ever did from Equestrian Souls.

 

My aim with this entry is not to offer surefire ways to become who we feel we’re meant to be, but rather to offer up the insight that there are universal experiences we all share...man, woman, human, or pony. These insights, I hope, can help people who might want to become their pony selves but feel doubt, or fear, or shame.

 

I’ve come to realize several things about what it means to be a pony in the time I’ve been gone.

 

  1. To be a pony is to have a deep seated belief that you are one. Just like how if you’re religious you believe in god.

 

  1. We can all shape our beliefs. However, to do so we need to learn to be vulnerable. The only way to change who we are is to be vulnerable. This includes experiencing the fullest extent of who we are in any given moment, no matter the shame and doubt and pain we might feel. Accept your emotions, and your desires, and your shame. Even if it might seem painful, or scary.

 

  1. There are three stages I’ve noticed when it comes to making this change, and they can be done without any amount of hypnosis, though hypnosis will certainly help in a lot of people: These stages are as follows:

    1. Identify a belief and desire to change it (I believe I am a human but want to believe I’m a pony

    2. Believe that you can change your belief on your own without tools or other people

    3. Work to change that belief

 

  1. It’s not that simple to change a belief, of course. Like it or not we’re shaped by the world and people around us. As children or young adults who are dependent on family we lack the ability to shape our beliefs, but as an adult we can figure out what we desire and shape our lives around that.

 

  1. Rather than simply meditating, live. Put yourself out there. Risk being vulnerable. It’s hard. PAINFULLY hard. But if a bitter, jaded, fear-ridden old  mare like me can do it, so can all of you. We all go about our days, closed off, hiding ourselves from others and fearing change while simultaneously wanting it. When you go to a con, try and connect with people emotionally.

 

  1. I can’t tell you what it means to be a pony. That is the subjective element that differs from individual to individual.

 

  1. I came to realize that I have a lot of trauma holding me back. A lot of my issues with Equestrian Souls exist because of that. This trauma came while I was an infant, and last November when I got arrested. I have trouble dealing with those I perceive to be inauthentic, or those who manipulate and abuse others. I have deep seated trust issues, too, that I hadn’t fully dealt with. When I was writing my entries I was a pretentious nobhead seeking attention and validation. Now? Well I’m still painfully insecure, but I’m getting better.

 

  1. This whole list is to make the point that we all have problems. We all have fears. We all want to find some shred of meaning and acceptance and self love, and we can only do that when we begin to see ourselves reflected in others, like a funhouse mirror. To be a pony is to embrace that and allow yourself to risk being vulnerable.

 

  1. And most importantly of all...accept failure. Accept imperfection. Even now my fear and distrust and shame is preventing me from returning to Equestrian Souls proper. I might never return, though I’m happy now. I’ve got a loving marefriend and coltfriend, and I’ve got purpose in my life now. I’ve got connections and meaning. The sources of trauma...my mother, sister, and ex roommate, are all behind me now. The problems I have linger, but are being dealt with.

 

I have two people I want to apologize to. Dashiefan, I’m sorry for cutting you off. You did hurt me, but I think you know that. Even so, I  hurt you in return. Understand that I can’t feel safe just yet allowing people I’ve cut off and run from back into my life, and I may never feel safe. I’m sorry, and I hope that someday you can learn to overcome your trauma, whatever it may be. At the time I was having trouble trusting others, which lead to me making excuses and shoving people away.

 

And Sunbeam? I’m sorry. Oh god I’m sorry. I’ve missed you for a long time. I know it would be a bad idea for us to speak again, and you probably don’t want to. Just...know that I haven’t stopped thinking about you. You may not realize this but you did more for me than you can ever imagine. You helped me begin to accept my gender, sexuality, and let go of the shame I still had over being a furry. The time at Whinny City was wonderful, even if I was clingy and scared out of my skull at being around others. Steel and you were awesome and if we ever meet again I hope it can be on good terms. The incident where I left ES for good, finally…the incident where I lost my temper at you...I was scared. I was scared for you and scared for me. And...it hurt. Because it felt like you didn’t trust me. I lost sight of the fact that you were in just as much pain, if not more, than I was.

 

The truth is, a part of me still views ES as home. A toxic home, a home where I don’t feel safe or welcome due to my past actions and perceptions of a lot of the people in that group, but a home nonetheless. It was where I found my sense of identity, where I began to find hope for the future.

 

There isn’t much else to say, other than to recommend a book called “tuesdays with Morrie” by Mitch Albom. His insights into what it takes to live a good life are essential to figuring out what it means to be a pony.

 

This is kinda long enough as it is, and I’ve gotta get back to work soon, and I wanna post this before I lose my nerve and never send it.

 

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