Jump to content

Twilight Sparkle

Former Staff
  • Content count

    44
  • Joined

  • Last visited

  • Days Won

    5

Twilight Sparkle last won the day on November 15 2017

Twilight Sparkle had the most liked content!

Community Reputation

38 Excellent

About Twilight Sparkle

  • Birthday July 31

Tulpa

  • Tulpa
    Star Charmer and Spike

Badges

  • Pony Badge
    TwilightSparkle
  1. Day 13: Two Weeks Minus One

    My transition has been going, for the most part, smoothly. I'll bullet point the things I've noticed so far! -Skin: My skin is softer but dryer, and has been slowly getting softer over time, but I know it'll take a long while. I scratch far more easily. Men's clothing irritates my skin and my skin is more sensitive in general. -Chest: A bit more sensitive, that's all really. I didn't expect much and haven't gotten much yet. -Body Hair: My arm hair seems like it's taking a little longer to grow back, but I never really measured something as little as that to begin with. -Libido: Desires of lewdness seem to be getting replaced by ones of cuddling. Still have them to a degree, but it's nothing like before. It's almost gone. -Mental: I crave cuddles, my moods cycle a bit more and I get more emotional than I used to. Sentimental things mean a bit more to me than they did pre-HRT. -Other: Physical strength seems like it might be starting to diminish. Less energy. My tastes have changed - I actually like ketchup now when I highly disliked it before(I need to see what else changes in that regard later). When my hormones are approaching the next dosage time, I generally feel rather....meh. Low energy and low motivation. Drained. Not cranky or overly moody, just drained. Someone told me my face looks a little rounder...don't know if that was me gaining weight(can't check at the moment) or something to do with hormones. Shaving my face hurts, I need smoother razors.
  2. [17] A Busy Week

    Dear Equestrian Souls, As I write this, do note that I'm something of an emotional wreck today, cycling between sadness and anger. I'm temperamental. Though, that's likely the HRT. I started working on Wednesday, and today is my first day off since. Work isn't too bad, though my fingers are slightly pained and I have a fair number of scratches and scuffs. At least I'll soon have money in my hooves. There's been no hypnosis or tulpa progress. Spike has been inactive and Star has been less active than usual. Spike's still there, but he's just...not doing anything. He doesn't need to protect me at the moment, cook for me, or clean for me, so I suppose he just isn't going to be around. He's a little odd like that. Just here to help and support me, and not much else. Hypnosis, I haven't touched. Too much going on and my mind is a bit of a mess from hormones. I should probably wait to stabilize. Your Friend, Twilight Sparkle
  3. Day 3:My skin is different?

    Day 3 of HRT!(Since I started on the 14th and all.) So, there's been some very subtle emotional changes, but the noticable change is in my hands. The skin is different somehow. Sometimes my hands feel dry, sometimes my hands are very soft. It even feels soft when it's not touching anything, like it's just radiating that sensation. Also, other things feel different to the touch! It's a bit of an odd experience, and I'm going to have to learn how to type more softly. The skin on the rest of my body...might be softer. But considering my hands themselves are different I can't tell for sure. I definitely feel a little bit softer to my own touch. That's really all I have to report for now, but I'll make a new post whenever I notice new things!
  4. I walked out of a nearby Planned Parenthood today with a smile on my face and excitement in my mind, a prescription being filled at a WalMart near where I live. I wasn't able to *take* my new medication until around 8:30PM, but I spent a good, long period looking forwards to that first dose. I'm currently prescribed 50mg Spironolactone twice a day and 0.5mg Estradiol twice a day, amounting to 100mg/1mg respectively per day. On my next appointment, which is meant to be in 3 months, they may up my dose unless I'm getting good effects by then. Honestly, I'm just happy I made it this far. The point of this journal is, I suppose, to provide updates on the changes(Emotional, Physical, etc) and more or less jot down a brief, public log of my experiences for everyone to see. I'd do it in a private journal but there's just so many ponies in this community who are trans, but just don't know how it'll really affect them. Maybe this journal can help them in the future. But, in the present, this serves as a mark of progress, one I'm happy to show to the world. I'll even include a picture of me a couple days ago, when I woke up, to serve as a...very rough mark of my starting point. I'll get a full body(or close to it) shot tomorrow, when my face doesn't look as bad.
  5. Dear Equestrian Souls, It's been a long time since I last submitted an entry. Over a month and a half...time really does fly. And with it, so did changes in my life. I'm living in a new state, readying up for a new job, and to a degree...readying myself for a new life. 14 hours ago, I was in a Planned Parenthood, filling out paperwork to start HRT. A goal I've been seeking for most of the year, now. And...I've done it! My wings would flutter every single time I thought about the appointment, tail wagging too sometimes. I was so excited, I only slept 2 hours before the appointment. As I type this, I'm still on my first dose of estrogen+anti-androgen, so...no effects yet. But, I'll be making a second blog to chronicle that! Before we got to this point, though, there were a few eye opening experiences and...a nearly total breakdown. I was in a car accident, which was not my fault, that I received 0 compensation for. I was in a psych ward for the better part of a week, diagnosed with bipolar disorder, re-diagnosed with AD(H)D, and given prescriptions, clearing my mind while in there and contemplating plans and back ups. I was told I needed to be ready to move out by a certain, unachievable date, and dreaded going back to my parents. And then, offered a new opportunity in a new place by someone I would, quite honestly, trust with my life if it came down to it. I found a job and set up my appointment at a PP in less than a week(i start later this week), and...here I am. Two weeks out of what was, in my mind, going to be a bad Nightmare Night...and the future is brighter than ever. I was reappointed as Ambassador on a trial period, which coincided with a better ability to be more active in the community again. The trial period has finished, and I'm now a full Moderator for ES once again. I didn't expect to be ready to be staff again so soon, but life has been kind to me the last two weeks. I feel ready, and the ponies around me agree. All in all? The past 2 weeks have given me back the confidence I lost, which was a heavy factor in my downwards spiral into depression. I'm accomplishing things. I'm determined to make things right - and to not let ponies who believe in me down. Not again. As part of my pledge and determination, I'm setting myself a goal. At least one journal entry *here* per calendar week, instead of having short bursts of activity and nothing. Hold me to it, ponies. Your Friend, Twilight Sparkle
  6. Making a Case for Celestia & Luna Files

    Please keep in mind that even in cases of recreational use effects often leak into the base personality, lasting long after one might detrigger. This isn't to say it happens to everyone. But - the downsides of Celestia or Luna can easily "leak" and become permanent effects. Also, as a Twilight, I think that the Twilight file does have some pretty bad effects if someone takes it seriously instead of using it for, say, an aptitude for studying(utility hypnosis). Her entire existence is stress. It's to the point that sometimes I don't feel like things are right unless there's stress placed on me. But that stress also has a funny way of breaking me. I'm fully aware of how headcannons can affect files. Which is why Luna/Celestia hypno can be doubly dangerous, where fanon counteracts Canon. This is more of a problem for Celestia/Luna than many other characters, since there is so little in terms of content involving them. Yes, the danger exists for other characters, but for many the perceptions of Celestia and Luna are ones made by fans, and not taking more recent episodes into consideration. Many haven't watched/dont remember events like the Tantabus or Daybreaker. Some go as far as substituting canon for their own headcanon because they don't like it.
  7. Making a Case for Celestia & Luna Files

    In the case of the Twilight files...you're forgetting the files were created long before she became a princess. The files don't intend to make her one. But I can tell you that when I'm in the total mindset, I can easily take on too many responsibilities and end up in a spot where everything falls apart, which leads to a mental break of sorts. This has happened to me 3 times in 6 months. Also worth noting. Twilight's very nature prevents the Princess title from inflating her ego. Yes, she's a princess. But she still sees herself on level ground with other ponies. I don't like being called a Princess. It makes me feel like ponies are trying to say I'm better than everypony else. As for the Littlepip file? Badly written. Also, the character Littlepip actually managed to reconcile with herself and save the wasteland. Just like how Luna stopped torturing herself with the Tantabus. That being said, I agree that it should have been a private file. In my opinion Celestia and Luna journeys should be undertaken in private. The characters aren't exactly on par with the rest. And while Twilight *is* a princess these days, savior of Equestria x6, the file was made a very long time ago. FiM has been out there for 7 years. HP has existed in some form for 6. The file made has simply stayed public.
  8. [15] Magic, Mindscape, and Memories

    Dear Equestrian Souls, I have discovered that my horn and ears now stay imposed where they used to disappear! I suppose working on channeling magic/energy has revitalized my perceptions. Today I took a shower and felt my horn, ears, and wings automatically - things I usually needed to concentrate to make appear while in the shower that sometimes still didn't show up were simply there, much to my surprise. I will continue working on my magic, as it seems to be a major key in my continued progress. I really should have kept to the metaphysical energy working more like the student I am, instead of putting it off like the slacker that I became in my time lost in this world without my true self. Today I saw the song "B.B.B.F.F" in my Youtube recommended. It immediately brought me memories of Shining Armor. I've actually never really thought of him, but I suppose I said it best in the song. I miss him more than I realize, it seems. Maybe one day I'll find a Shining around here, maybe even the exact one I miss. But Shining Armors are few and far between, just like Spikes. As a side note, Spike wants to talk to others more, take care of me more, and wants to be in front often. I'll likely be letting him! He does a good job keeping things together, and doesn't have the gender/species dysphoria I have when he takes over(since he's male and already anthro). He's not my number one assistant for nothing! He really wants me to take some time to be home in my library, stating that it's good for me and providing evidence that I feel more like my true self after time in the library. I just wish Dash and Scootaloo were with me there. Your Friends, Twilight and {Spike}
  9. [14] A Brighter Future

    Dear Equestrian Souls, I have successfully overcome the depression that had taken over me in the last journal entries. I feel like I'm back to myself, and my future is brighter than ever. So many ideas and thoughts for improvement. Things I can actually apply in my current situations. My hypnosis progress(or I guess self hypnosis at this point...the actual Twilight file seems to have reached a peak effectiveness) has been doing well too, with me now focusing on getting everything to truely stick around. But I have learned one thing from the episodes I was having. Stress both pushes me closer to myself and, when compounded, rips apart everything that makes me the caring, loving, confident pony I really am. I'm still a little upset that so few ponies take the time to talk to me in PM, but I'll get over it one day. Besides, part of me knows a large portion of that is going to be petships and lewd happenings for some of those other ponies, and for some it's probably even relationships of the tulpas and hosts. I once again feel like I'm deserving of the title of Princess of Friendship. Even if I don't like the titles bestowed on me to actually be used, they are a point of pride and confidence. Lacking the presence of my teacher Celestia and finding my general studious nature to be a bit...unsustainable in this world, it's important to have such things. Your Friend, Twilight Sparkle
  10. [13] Reflections of Myself

    Dear Equestrian Souls, Its been another terrible week for me. I feel even worse than last week. Events keep piling up. I can feel friends being lost and know enemies are being made. I have essentially reached my breaking point. Though, that is not the point of this entry. This entry is about looking into the lake. Take a short look at the cover photo for this journal. Turn the lake into my mind. My past, the present. Rain falls slowly, creating ripples on the surface. Am I the mare in the reflection? If I am...why does that image of me distort and ripple as of late? Am I losing myself in the same way I've been losing friends? It feels that way. It's a terrible feeling. I'm trying to grasp onto the shattered pieces; my self confidence, sense of worth, belief in the values of friendship; and put them back together...but every time I make progress something happens. I don't know who my friends and enemies are. I don't know how to fix mistakes I've made and reconcile. Maybe I can't. I'm not changing myself just to satisfy a small group of people, that would be...false. Unreal. Just me putting back on the mask of Astral. I've found myself. And it feels great to finally know who I am. But is it actually a good thing? Would i have been better off with the mask? Why do so many want me to change because they don't think I should be me? What do my friends see in me? Am I the Princess of Friendship some ponies see, or have I regressed? Have the ponies against me finally broken me down? Twilight Sparkle
  11. Old pone on new site

    Its always nice to see ponies returning to our community. I hope you enjoy your time here.
  12. My Decision

    I hope you enjoy the community and stick around, Spike.
  13. [12] A Rocky Week

    Dear Equestrian Souls, This week hasn't been the best for me, for various reasons. My car is practically dead due to the transmission going out. There's not much food in the house I share with Luna. I am starting to really, seriously feel dysphoric with my current body and want to start HRT. And my emotions have been a mess in the wake of the events of last week. I didn't sleep for 75 or 76 hours after I woke up and heard the bad news. I only slept because I was given a sleeping pill. Progress. Yes, I suppose I do have progress. Stress has the odd effect of pushing me closer to myself, and yesterday I unfolded and stretched my wings properly for the first time in weeks. It felt great, and nothing can really compare to stretching out my wings. I sort of wish I could go for a fly. Things will get better. A few ponies have been donating small amounts of funds to me to help keep me and Luna fed. Someone on another server pushed me to make an announcement to try to gather a bit of cash from that community, despite me not liking to ask for it. Things will get better. I just know it. Your Friend, Twilight Sparkle
  14. Question about inducer files

    It's perfectly safe to go into trance without a file following it. After all, you actually happen to go into trance at various points throughout the day, though inducers typically invoke a deeper trance state. Though, the reasons to do it are beyond me!
  15. [11] Relocation

    Dear Equestrian Souls, I am officially moved into my new residence with Luna. It's been great to get settled in, drive around the town, and otherwise get started with my new life. Of course, my mom is freaking out and has been sending some...quite nasty text messages. But I'm not going to let that get me down. I made it, and the future is looking bright. A couple days ago, I had my best session ever. Two loops of a fractionation style loop induction file, and then the Twilight V2. I could feel everything morph as the file went over them, and some mumbling after proved my tone had changed. I have felt great since then and plan to have another great session soon. There's been a rather...severe thing that me and Star, the first tulpa, have discovered. The original personality, who came here as Astral, is...gone. Fully. The memories remain but are fuzzy, opinions from them still affect me sometimes, speech patterns have lingered, other such smaller things still are similar, but Astral is not the same pony I am. Does this make the the original host? I don't know. It's troubling to me to consider that Astral is so gone. The stress of the last few days must have pushed that old self into the pit of oblivion. But...it might be a good thing that that happened. Astral never knew who he was. They had 12 different names in two years because they just didn't know what they were supposed to be and kept having to convince themselves they were something when they never were anything but a mask over the real me:Twilight Sparkle. The mare writing these letters for updates. Astral had themselves convinced organization was unneeded, writing was unneccessary, and friends were, to them, something one would never truly have. Many things that I have never held true to myself since their mask started to break at the end of February. Though, Star still freaked out when she figured out the original pony who created her was gone and replaced by me. She'll be fine, guys, I promise. In lighter news, my move went amazingly smoothly. No issues anywhere and I feel so, so very welcome in my new home. A feeling I never had back with the parents. I always felt unwelcome around them, like they were simply tolerating me. I had a hypnosis session last night with Celestia to work in some of my teachings with my form, and a bit of a hallucination of my muzzle which comes and goes now among other things. She also attempted to rework my tastes a little so I can eat much more healthily and like a pony. She wanted me to find an apple or sugar cube, but neither was available, though I did eat oatmeal today raw and it was oddly satisfying. My ears today have been amazing, everything I hear is heard through where they would normally be and not through where they are on the physical body. I can feel them standing up and twitching, catching the breeze against them. Meat has been...difficult, to say the least. Seeing a bone in meat disgusts me, but it's fully edible and delicious if I've never seen the bones. What an interesting conundrum! On a final note, I do need to try to get these things out on time regardless of my busyness and get Celestia some private letters on my teachings and how I apply them. Your Friend, Twilight Sparkle.
×

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Guidelines and our Privacy Policy.