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Sunbeam

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Sunbeam last won the day on November 13 2017

Sunbeam had the most liked content!

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7 Followers

About Sunbeam

Discord

  • Discord Tag
    #7196

Tulpa

  • Tulpa
    Glacial Wind and Twilight Sparkle

Badges

  • Pony Badge
    Octavia
  1. "It's our faith, it's our life, this is our Battle Cry"

    1. shiron222

      shiron222

      Dam straight!

  2. Entry 9.5: 2018

    Well, here we are. I really didn't know if I'd still be alive, but it's 2018 and I suppose I"m still around. What this ends up meaning... who knows. One day at a time, one hoof in front of the other. It's about the only way I can handle it right now. Here's hoping that 2018 is better than 2017... it isn't exactly a high bar, so -Sunbeam (And me! Don't worry, we'll have a real update in a day or two)
  3. "Silver Mistress, with nimble dance across the skin
    Silver Lady, with mind so keen
    Blaze a trail of red so sharp and thin,
    For one moment, let me feel clean.

    Allow me one more moment of weakness,
    Another instant of reprieve,
    One night I will let thy dance be ceaseless,
    A loss that none shall grieve.

    But for tonight back to your hidden sanctuary shall I send,
    I cannot yet say goodbye,
    For tonight, thy dance must have an end,
    Until I am brave enough to hear your lullaby."

    1. shiron222

      shiron222

      I know you, you're a special one
      Some see crazy where I see love
      You fall so low but shoot so high
      Big dreamers shoot for open sky
      So much life in those open eyes
      So much depth, you look for the light
      But when your wounds open, you will cry
      You'll cry out now and you'll question why
      I can see a rainbow
      In your tears as they fall on down
      I can see your soul grow
      Through the pain as they hit the ground
      I can see a rainbow
      In your tears as the sun comes out
      As the sun comes out
      I am here and I see your pain
      Through the storms, through the clouds, the rain
      I'm telling you you can not escape
      You can do it, just feel, baby
      I can see a rainbow
      In your tears as they fall on down
      I can see your soul grow
      Through the pain as they hit the ground
      I can see a rainbow
      In your tears as the sun comes out
      As the sun comes ou
  4. "As the years passed, he fell into despair, and lost all hope. For who could ever learn to love... A Beast?"

    1. Tavia Melody

      Tavia Melody

      <If you somehow mean yourself, I could.>

    2. Thund3rDa5h

      Thund3rDa5h

      Quote

      "I don't care if you are a beast.  I love you.  And nothing will ever change that.  Even if you think I shouldn't."

       

    3. shiron222

      shiron222

      Take your time, Sunny. We'll be waiting...and one day you will realize that you AREN'T a beast...or rather, no more a beast than any other person Man, Mare, or being of any other species. We'll be waiting, Sunny, and will welcome you back with open hearts.

  5. Hey ponies, thought I'd give y'all an update as to what's been going on lately. So as some of you may have heard me mention in the chat, it seems like I'm sick again; my old Colitis is acting up it seems. Well, technically it can't be Colitis, since I don't have the organ that disease requires, but it's quite likely that I have Chron's. So I'm a tad under the weather, dropping some weight, and probably not quite getting all the nutrition I need. However I am talking to my doc, and as soon as the test I took comes back I'm hoping I can convince her to just prescribe me some OTC meds instead of going through a colonoscopy (I have no insurance, so I really can't afford it). So for now, I'm waiting in Limbo, but I'll let y'all know as soon as I know more. Other than that, I'm going to be going out of town for a couple days to attend the Midwest Furfest. I'll still be poking in occassionally, and if any of you really need me please don't be afraid to drop me a DM: I'll get back as soon as I can to ya. Despite my slightly sub-par health it should be a really good time, and I'm hoping I have a blast like I always do. Not much knew on any other front, really. Still haven't managed to start hypno again, there always seems to be something getting in the way of it. I know I know, it's just excuses and stuff, but I will get there at some point; it's really been far too long. Here's hoping y'all have a great weekend, and I"ll see you ponies on the flip side. -Sunbeam [And Glacial ^_^]
  6. [Hey guys, Sunny isn't in the best of places lately, as a lotta you know, so I'm gonna try my hoof at writing this instead. She'll be typing for me, but the words are mine.] [Sunny wants to say sorry for causing a fight and so much worry the other day... she didn't realize that would happen. She really thinks that what she's doing, the way she's slowly trying to distance herself from all of you, is what's going to be best for you in the long run. She thinks that, if she slowly pulls away and disappears, it won't hurt you as much and you'll all be okay. Her mood and mentality has always been up and down, and this isn't the lowest I've ever seen her get, but she's never been this constantly low before. Lately she's been setting "survival goals"; right now, she's trying to see if she'll still be alive when 2018 rolls around. Honestly, with the way things are... even I can't say if she'll pull through, the way things are going.] [So, what's next? We... we really don't know. I'm trying to keep her involved with the Discord and you guys, because it's one of the only lifelines she has anymore. She's tossed aside a lot of her little hobbies, and it's all I can do to keep her from leaving the Discord, or just going silent on it. I know some of you have mentioned trying to get her to see a doctor or something, but she's already in debt from medical bills, and doesn't have any insurance right now. And... I really don't know if she'd ever actually open up to a head-doctor, at least not enough to get better. I know some of you have also thought about calling the hotline or something to come get her and, I guess "force' her to get help?] Yeah, which is why I'm careful that nopony knows my actual address... I ain't letting that happen. Besides, by the time y'all managed to get that far it'd all be over with anyway. [It's... it's a nice idea, and the reasons behind are noble and all, I just don't think it'll work. She's a bit too clever, and I think she could easily talk her way out of it. And then everything would really go downhill. I also know that a few of you, one in particular, are really trying to help her out by giving her suggestions and tips. I think her issue with it is she... I guess where she's at right now, the way it's said makes it sound like it should be easy or something. I think part of her brain just kinda connects it to the people who say "just go on walks" or "here, look at this motivational poster": stuff that sounds good on paper to people who aren't in the position she's in, but ultimately unhelpful. I'm not explaining it very well, I know I'm not, but she's kinda ignoring me so I'm not really sure how to properly present it. Sorry.] [She cut herself really bad the other day; normally they're kinda shallow but a lot, but this time they were only a few but they were kinda deep. Nothing too awful, but they'll be some of the bigger scars on her arms when they heal. I've been mostly able to keep her away from alcohol, but then she ends up drinking a lot of soda and monster and then, obviously, having sleep issues. I'm trying, it's just a lot to try and work with.] [I'll do my best to keep you ponies updated, even when she's trying to sit here and say that everything is "fine". I guess just... keep in touch with her? Even if it's only to say like "hi, I'm good, gotta go, have a good one". A few of you have been really helpful to her, even if it doesn't look like it's helping at all or if she's being difficult. Whether it's the pony constantly writing a thousand lines of paragraph to try and give her ideas to get better, the mare that's always willing to let Sunny lean on her and lend an ear to listen and shares the a deep love for music even at one in the morning, or any other pony that even just waves when she pops into the room, she does notice and appreciate it, even if she doesn't always say it.] [Until we see ya next time ponies, here's hoping you all are doing well, and that we can all keep Sunny going one day at a time.] [Glacial Wind] and Sunbeam, I suppose
  7. "Anywhere you go, let me go too...

    Love me, that's all I ask of you"

    1. Thund3rDa5h

      Thund3rDa5h

      "I do love you.  I will always be her too."

  8. "In diapers, report cards, in spoke wheels, in speeding tickets; in contracts, dollars, in funerals and births.

    In 525,600 minutes

    How do you figure, our last year on earth?"

    1. Show previous comments  1 more
    2. Sunbeam

      Sunbeam

      Song and movie

    3. shiron222
    4. Sunbeam

      Sunbeam

      It's from Rent, the exact song title escapes me tho

  9. Position on swearing

    I think our old stance on it works fine: swearing is okay in moderation. No long stream of expletives, no using it at another pony, etc. A swear here and there should be fine
  10. Entry 7: What Now?

    Honestly, I don't know. I've just been in this state of limbo for so long, I'm not sure what anything really feels like anymore. I know I"m not dead, but I don't exactly feel alive either. I'm just trying to keep everything together, move forward one day at a time, and see if I wake up the following morning. I got invited to, potentially, live in a group/community house. I'm... apprehensive, to say the least. I really don't think there's anything I can contribute to such a group, and I'm not sure if in my current state it's best to be around others I could potentially hurt. I also don't think I'm in any solid financial position to be included in such an endeavor: I do say hate leeching off of others. Heck, I feel weird when other people buy me gifts, I can't imagine them just paying the bills for me. I'm nearly 27, I should be able to take care of myself, and not force others to lend a hoof. I took a new name for myself, at least on the server. Eris called me that the other day; admittedly to quiet my usual ramblings about my mental state/self worth/etc. But, that name... something about it stirs something inside me. It just feels so right to hear it. So, for the time being, I am Sunbeam Octavia Philharmonica. And, while I doubt I can, I will do my best to do the name proud. There's... a lot more, I suppose, if one were to get into my head. But for now, I think this is everything. Until next time, ponies. -Sunbeam Octavia Philharmonica [and I'm still here too! Glacial Wind ^_^]
  11. "I hurt much more than any time before, I have no options left again.
    I don't want to be the one the battles always choose; 'Cause inside I realize that I'm the one confused.

    I don't know what's worth fighting for, or why I have to scream. I don't know why I instigate and say what I don't mean. I don't know how I got this way, I'll never be alright"

    1. Tavia Melody
    2. Thund3rDa5h

      Thund3rDa5h

      Sunny, in the end you will be alright.  You just have to have stand up and fight.

    3. EmpressElite

      EmpressElite

      "So I'm breaking the habit! I'm breaking the habit, tonight!"

  12. Please don't waste time worrying about me, guys... it'll be okay

    1. Show previous comments  1 more
    2. Thund3rDa5h

      Thund3rDa5h

      "Sunny.  Don't say that.  I will always be there.  I don't like it when you hurt.  I don't want to lose you.  I love you."

    3. Ethanland Twibat Sparkle

      Ethanland Twibat Sparkle

      I'll spend my time how I want, and if I want to worry about you, I'll do just that

    4. shiron222

      shiron222

      ^ Who are you to tell us what's a waste and what isn't, huh? What kind of friends would we be if we DIDN'T worry? Just...please take care of yourself, even if it's hard with your situation.

  13. Entry 6: How Long?

    That's... a very good question. Honestly, I'm not sure at this point how much longer I'm going to be around for. I can feel that shadow slowly starting to loom over me, surround and encompass me. I can't deny there's a certain sense of peace about it, knowing that it probably won't be long off that all my problems are done with. But that time isn't yet. Work has been long and rough, but not terrible I suppose... the late/long hours are tough, the people I work with are kinda dumb most of the time, and dealing with people all day isn't really easy. But it pays well, and compared to retail it's both simpler and (slightly) more enjoyable. Other than that, haven't really gotten much of anything done; no story stuff, no drawing, no files... apologies specifically to the ponies that desired to play some DnD with the extreme lack of progress and communication on my end. The mare came back into my life, so that was quite lovely; it was barely a week, but I missed her terribly. She's such a good friend, even if she can't quite understand or see why, and having her around again is... indescribable. Other than that, not much to mention for the past 2 weeks of my life. I'm not sure what comes next... but however this turns out, just know you ponies are amazing, and have been wonderful. Until next time -Sunbeam [Glaical]
  14. Should be interesting, to see how long that my mind can hold out

    1. shiron222

      shiron222

      You will hold out. You will overcome.

  15. Terribly long work day, 12.5 hours long. But managed to come home to the server in time for something wonderful

    1. Sable

      Sable

      O.o What happened Sunbeam?

    2. Skye

      Skye

      Wow, that's a long day! Is that even legal? :hip:

    3. platinum

      platinum

      As long as they are over 18.

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