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shiron222

Cloudsdale Pony
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shiron222 last won the day on January 4 2018

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  1. How To Truly Become Your Pony Self

    It’s been almost 2 years since I joined and 6 months since I left the Equestrian Souls Discord. A lot has happened, some bad most good. I have a feeling that this journal will go unnoticed, or that people will read it and ignore it. Even so, this entry started nagging me, and who I am to ignore the inspiration to write? The problem I’ve had with this community for a long time is specifically they promote an unhealthy sense of helplessness in those of us who want to become ponies. They offer the files and give caveats but rather than offering guidance to people struggling, they just leave them out to dry. This community, in the time I was a member, offered no insight as to what needs to be done for us to become our pony selves. We’re all grasping for anything we can grip to, meaning and focus and an answer to the question “Who am I.” I learned more from my therapist than I ever did from Equestrian Souls. My aim with this entry is not to offer surefire ways to become who we feel we’re meant to be, but rather to offer up the insight that there are universal experiences we all share...man, woman, human, or pony. These insights, I hope, can help people who might want to become their pony selves but feel doubt, or fear, or shame. I’ve come to realize several things about what it means to be a pony in the time I’ve been gone. To be a pony is to have a deep seated belief that you are one. Just like how if you’re religious you believe in god. We can all shape our beliefs. However, to do so we need to learn to be vulnerable. The only way to change who we are is to be vulnerable. This includes experiencing the fullest extent of who we are in any given moment, no matter the shame and doubt and pain we might feel. Accept your emotions, and your desires, and your shame. Even if it might seem painful, or scary. There are three stages I’ve noticed when it comes to making this change, and they can be done without any amount of hypnosis, though hypnosis will certainly help in a lot of people: These stages are as follows: Identify a belief and desire to change it (I believe I am a human but want to believe I’m a pony Believe that you can change your belief on your own without tools or other people Work to change that belief It’s not that simple to change a belief, of course. Like it or not we’re shaped by the world and people around us. As children or young adults who are dependent on family we lack the ability to shape our beliefs, but as an adult we can figure out what we desire and shape our lives around that. Rather than simply meditating, live. Put yourself out there. Risk being vulnerable. It’s hard. PAINFULLY hard. But if a bitter, jaded, fear-ridden old mare like me can do it, so can all of you. We all go about our days, closed off, hiding ourselves from others and fearing change while simultaneously wanting it. When you go to a con, try and connect with people emotionally. I can’t tell you what it means to be a pony. That is the subjective element that differs from individual to individual. I came to realize that I have a lot of trauma holding me back. A lot of my issues with Equestrian Souls exist because of that. This trauma came while I was an infant, and last November when I got arrested. I have trouble dealing with those I perceive to be inauthentic, or those who manipulate and abuse others. I have deep seated trust issues, too, that I hadn’t fully dealt with. When I was writing my entries I was a pretentious nobhead seeking attention and validation. Now? Well I’m still painfully insecure, but I’m getting better. This whole list is to make the point that we all have problems. We all have fears. We all want to find some shred of meaning and acceptance and self love, and we can only do that when we begin to see ourselves reflected in others, like a funhouse mirror. To be a pony is to embrace that and allow yourself to risk being vulnerable. And most importantly of all...accept failure. Accept imperfection. Even now my fear and distrust and shame is preventing me from returning to Equestrian Souls proper. I might never return, though I’m happy now. I’ve got a loving marefriend and coltfriend, and I’ve got purpose in my life now. I’ve got connections and meaning. The sources of trauma...my mother, sister, and ex roommate, are all behind me now. The problems I have linger, but are being dealt with. I have two people I want to apologize to. Dashiefan, I’m sorry for cutting you off. You did hurt me, but I think you know that. Even so, I hurt you in return. Understand that I can’t feel safe just yet allowing people I’ve cut off and run from back into my life, and I may never feel safe. I’m sorry, and I hope that someday you can learn to overcome your trauma, whatever it may be. At the time I was having trouble trusting others, which lead to me making excuses and shoving people away. And Sunbeam? I’m sorry. Oh god I’m sorry. I’ve missed you for a long time. I know it would be a bad idea for us to speak again, and you probably don’t want to. Just...know that I haven’t stopped thinking about you. You may not realize this but you did more for me than you can ever imagine. You helped me begin to accept my gender, sexuality, and let go of the shame I still had over being a furry. The time at Whinny City was wonderful, even if I was clingy and scared out of my skull at being around others. Steel and you were awesome and if we ever meet again I hope it can be on good terms. The incident where I left ES for good, finally…the incident where I lost my temper at you...I was scared. I was scared for you and scared for me. And...it hurt. Because it felt like you didn’t trust me. I lost sight of the fact that you were in just as much pain, if not more, than I was. The truth is, a part of me still views ES as home. A toxic home, a home where I don’t feel safe or welcome due to my past actions and perceptions of a lot of the people in that group, but a home nonetheless. It was where I found my sense of identity, where I began to find hope for the future. There isn’t much else to say, other than to recommend a book called “tuesdays with Morrie” by Mitch Albom. His insights into what it takes to live a good life are essential to figuring out what it means to be a pony. This is kinda long enough as it is, and I’ve gotta get back to work soon, and I wanna post this before I lose my nerve and never send it.
  2. Witty and Deep Title

    I literally just came to the realization that I've spent so long trying to find an answer and solve problems that I might be unconsciously CREATING them. Like, without problems who am I? This kinda thing isn't something I can just stop overnight. I've come to make an entry here because otherwise I'm going to forget. This kind of thing is so facehoofingly stupid, though I don't think it's a unique problem. It's like my body and mind are looking for SOMETHING for me to be anxious over...
  3. Mistakes

    It's been a really looooong time since I've posted and a lot has happened. I feel it's important to post it here. Let's start with the most recent thing. These past few weeks have been...hard. Not bad, just...hard. The problems I had been having built up to the point where AJ verbally lashed out at one of the mods. I've been justly given a 7 day ban and will sit it out with grace. This leads into the specific problems at hand. Back when I finally started getting a handle on hypnosis I thought I was done. I thought that while my growth wasn't complete I had managed to bring to find the root causes of my unhappiness. These causes...lack of confidence, lack of self worth, lack of a goal and the belief that I could change, were in the end not enough. Other problems still remained. One of them, the fact that I hate my family, ended up with me in jail. There was a sense that I had an obligation to them, or that I needed them to get by. That has since been shattered. That...intense disgust and hate is still there, because they blatantly took advantage of the legal system to get me removed because legally they couldn't themselves. This hate isn't something that simply vanishes, but the dependency I had on them is broken, and once I get further closure in the form of my punishment being resolved I can begin forgiving them fully. That said, my new roommate has helped me realize certain faults I have that need to be resolved if I want to continue growing. The biggest of these is taking responsibility. Not just accepting punishment that I deserve but things like getting a job and overall being an adult. I also have trouble with reaching out. A pattern I realized was that most of the friends I made on ES came from others reaching out to me, not the other way around. I need to do that more. Further problems were compounded because I began seeing others as beneath me. Each of us in this server is there because we have problems and need solutions. Some of us are more relaxed over it and that's fine, and even if ES is This is NOT a healthy or fair thing, and it's something that's been around since before I started the RD file. I can't blame that on it, even though it would be very easy to. This next bit is something I've realized over these past few days and accompanies the "not reaching out" part because it deals with relationships. I fear abandonment. It's a lot easier to trust a person that comes to me rather than the other way around. A person that comes to me for advice or companionship is more likely to stick around and not leave me than if I reached out to them. Moreover, I spent most of my life having to reach out to others and it began to feel like I wasn't welcome, and never felt like I belonged. ES is the first place I feel like I HAVE belonged and so the anxiety of being banned for more than a day, even if that was due to my own shortcomings, is painful. The anxiety over feelings of abandonment or betrayal are there, but I know that in the end I need to take responsibility for my shortcomings. The last thing I want to say is aimed at two people in particular. I won't name names but I have a feeling that if they do read this then by some miracle they will understand who they are. This isn't meant to be a "calling out" (hence why I want to actively avoid naming names) merely an expression of yet another layer of problems that I need to overcome. The people in question have hurt me in separate ways that I didn't fully accept until today. This person in question CONSTANTLY goes on about the fact that they're on HRT and as the days pass and my desire to be ON HRT grows and my anxiety over my body increases seeing that person constantly brings it up it HURTS. Moreover there have been times closer to when I first became comfortable with being active that I tried to reach out to them in DM but they ignored me. I have a sneaking suspicion I came across in a way that was unintended and so they ignored me because of that, though I could be wrong. The other person I have a problem with I feel is a lot less intense due to the simple fact that I've had less interaction with them. The incident that lead to my banning came about due to a particularly bad day. Not due to any terrible event, just that my mind was...scattered? I wasn't focusing, had been feeling anxiety straight from the previous day, and had been having slightly poor sleep. These problems bled into AJ being...uncouth. [Now yer just sounding like Rarity]. Ignoring that, I'll use this time the same way I used my mistake with my mother and sister...as a learning tool, a reminder that I have work to do, and as a means to overcome my problems. You've all given me so much, and this happening is a cold splash of water that even more needs to change. Hypnosis has helped me this way, and it'll help me even more. DFTBA Everypony, and here's hoping I can succeed in not being perma banned in the future!
  4. 2/24/18

    Hehe! It's good to hear your progress hun! Keep going, you got this~.
  5.  

    An astounding poem put to music.

  6. The moon, a soothing sight for a soul

    It's glow, grand

    It's beauty leaves me breathless

    My heart sings at the sight of the moon

    Obscured as it is by the inumerable

    pinpricks of light that small

    people use to run from a dark

    that is both beautiful and terrifying

    I sometimes yearn for the chance to see the

    sky unfiltered by the sheen of civilization

    to see the stars dance

    to see the moon bright

  7. As we dance through the day, remember that stumbling and falling is okay.

  8. A New Look

    A lot has changed these past months, for the better. I understand my desires, I know who I am. And above all, for the first time in 26 years of living I understand what friendship can be. My mind is clear, and although my body has in some ways atrophied due to a lack of exercise these past few months, my ability to trance is noticeable compared to when I first started. All these things combined with a sort of "pact" with some friends to exercise and help us reach our goals. That said, making new habits is hard, so I decided to use my file again to help increase my focus and ability to train. The changes were a lot more drastic than when I first started. They felt better, more real and comfortable. Perhaps it's because after all this time using the PBR, this is who I am and who I'm meant to be. That said I also got new perspectives on what it means to "train". I'm facehoofing that I didn't understand before. Before I felt the need to try and tie my desire to be a writer to something that my show counterpart loved...specifically flying and exercise. Training the body AND mind. I'm laughing at my past self so hard right now. She was so utterly narrow in her thinking. Either way, there's nothing special to say other than fuck yeah! As an aside, I'm finally looking into electrolysis for my face. While it won't be SHAPED properly if nothing else my face can be smooth and I'll be able to feel my fur a lot better there.
  9. Belated Intro

    What Starry said~. Pleasure to meet you. I think many of us can relate to the "Social Anxiety" dealie, so you aren't alone. You'll find that many of us are forgiving of mistakes, seeing as I've made many of my own in my time here...and shockingly enough i haven't been banned. Pleasure to meet you yofferson, and I just wanna say your OC looks like a character from a comic called El Goonish Shive if said character was ponified... a character named Tedd...no idea why I felt the need to bring that up, but whatevs. Can't wait to meet ya if you DO decide to join on the shitposting...I mean totally reasoned discussion about the depth of life and the beauty of the world around us.
  10. Even when things are foggy, even when life might become grey, there are sunny skies on the horizon. The winter sucks but it will definitely pass soon. May you all have a happy passing of the year.

  11. Grey

    I've come to the realization that winter is hell. Not directly because of the cold, or because of the snow. Rather, the isolation that comes from it. The lack of ability to run. It's been intensified this year due to my current living situation and my actions last month. I feel this morning live I've lost a lot of what I've gained...I know that isn't true, of course, but that nagging thought is still there. I will keep my hope alive, because I have everypony here. This community is my HOME. As long as I have you all, I will never give up pushing even with this depression. I will always strive to be the best I can. I hope you're all having a good Christmas or Hearth's Warming...DFTBA everypony.
  12. Dreams and Excitement

    This isn't going to be a long entry, because it's the middle of the night and I am far far too tired to stay up. That said I am currently buzzing with excitement, my forelegs and hooves shaking with shock and awe. I had my first dream about Equestria...it wasn't about living there, but rather about going there. I can't remember much other than they were city streets quite similar to our own. The words Manehattan and Vanhoover were used though. I have vague recollection of being with and seeing other humans though, which is odd. Though again, everything was an odd mish mash of images, as dreams tend to be for me, so it's possible I've mis-remembered. Whatever the case may be I'm back off to sleep if I can stop shaking with excitement.
  13. Worry and Pain

    Currently...I'm not doing so well. The stress of living out of a motel and being short funds combined with the fact that the person I love...the person I had hoped to get to know on all levels, good, bad, ugly, and awesome...may potentially be endangering themselves. I've TRIED to have faith in them...and I still do, but that faith is tinged with fear for them, and fear for myself. I love them selfishly, but I respect them too. I have confidence in this person to be okay, to understand the pain they'll cause myself and others if they leave. I love them because of the fact that they helped me...they made ma happy...they helped me ACCEPT myself and my desires. That said I also respect their wishes...if they do not wish to be bothered, then so be it. I will continue to message them, let them know I care and that I miss them, but if they choose to take the ultimate act of selfishness and relief then so be it. They don't want to open about their life...then so be it. It isn't wrong to love somepony selfishly, this much I've learned and accepted. The problem comes when you can't learn to let go, to accept that they are an individual with rights, with the ability to act as they see fit. Desire for suicide fades, but if a person is in genuine pain, and KNOWS that the desire fades, and if they're driven enough a person can plan for this, by removing any ties that might bind them. This person...I feel is doing that. I hope for my sake and the sake of those whose lives this person has impacted positively that they decide to live, but I've resigned myself to sorrow, even as my faith burns brighter than ever. I will only lose hope should news of this person's death reach us. Please, you know who you are, stay strong and stay with us if not for yourself, then for the people who want and NEED you in their lives. A man named Albert Camus once said, "There is but one truly serious philosophical problem and that is suicide"...the answer that he had, of course, was that suicide is wrong. Despite life's pains, despite it's meaninglessness, you can still find reasons to enjoy it. Live it to the fullest, if not for yourself, then for others. And if not for yourself or others, then in a hope that one day you can find something to spend your time doing...as far as I know, this person was atheist, and while I don't carry that view (I believe that although life is inherently meaningless we can and should find or make our OWN meaning...whether it be in a well documented faith, or my own belief in Equestria and inner life as a pony, my identity as an element of harmony, and my cutie mark) I can respect it. All of you who are floundering, in pain, or afraid. Who are desolate, lonely, and filled with self loathing...Live. Live because in the end life is the greatest gift. Whether you believe in reincarnation or the afterlife or not. Every person, whether they be pony, human, or some other species, has so much potential and it would be a shame to waste it. Life is not easy, cut and dry. Motivational posters and speakers...they know nothing. Life is painful and short, full of all sorts of experiences, many bad, some good. I will not sit here and say "Never give up, just have faith in yourself", but I will say "Keep on keeping on, and TRY to see yourself in a better light" Time heals all wounds, as long as you're willing to accept that wounds may scab over then break open as you progress. I say this as I hold back tears at the thought of the Rainbow's source of light, the beam of Sun, lays obscured by the clouds of an uncertain future. Farewell for now and DFTBA.
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